Trigger warning - DC spending a lot of money

amother

Natural

Wed, Sep 18 2019, 6:05 am

Personally, if you want to teach your child about the value of money, you have to put more control in their hands as well as teach them basic budgeting. Free money, whether $60 or $20 or $200 doesn't teach budgeting or responsibility.

From my own experience, giving a young married couple a large sum of money doesn't give security or sense. I mean, sure, you don't need to think about the rent. But if expenses are more than income - that's a problem! A cushion will only last so long. At some point, that money will get used up, and you're still left with expenses more than income.

Why don't you sit down with the child and have them write out a monthly budget. How much they plan on spending. $x on food, $x on clothing, etc. Help them learn to plan and stick to a budget. It doesn't have to be low, but it does create a limit

singleagain

Wed, Sep 18 2019, 6:05 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Child not living home. 18

Is the child in college or Israel that you are funding them? Or are they already having a full time job?

18 is an adult by most standards. Unless they are still heavily financially dependant on you they get to make their own mistakes

amother

Apricot

Wed, Sep 18 2019, 6:05 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Child not living home. 18

Why don't you have an actual conversation with your child and find out what he's spending on? It might be very reasonable. You can't just give an arbitrary amount if it doesn't meet his spending needs, and then complain that he's overspending.

amother

Lilac

Wed, Sep 18 2019, 6:09 am

amother [ Apricot ] wrote:

Are you talking about a child in Israel? If so, it really depends on what the expenses are. How many meals are provided by the school, and how many are they on their own. Buying gifts for shabbos hosts, toiletries. Be realistic about what these cost.

Also, my parents have money BH but they are not big spenders either. They're actually very very generous with married kids and also never hesitate to spend when it's something they value. When I was a kid I wasn't told "we can't afford it." I don't see the value in saying that, especially if it's not the truth. But my mother did say, mostly about "stuff," I don't want to buy it because it's a lot of money for a toy (or whatever it was. That taught me that even if you have the money, you have to decide what's worth spending on.

100% this. "We can't afford it" doesn't teach child anything about money.

amother

Wed, Sep 18 2019, 6:10 am

amother [ Apricot ] wrote:

I don't know anyone who can afford unlimited. It is the truth because I feel it. I don't understand this splashing of money the kids do.

I have in Isreal also. That child is doing BH fine on the spending. I don't like to pay favorites. I rather keep them more or less equal.

This DC is not in Isreal. School provides lunch and breakfast. Dinner is provided 3 days a week.
DC will go out for breakfast when there is one I paid for with my tuition. BH it doesn't break the budget to keep up with the spending. But what does that teach so close to marriage?

amother

Wed, Sep 18 2019, 6:14 am

groovy1224 wrote:

Wait, what?

What's he doing? Is he in school? Is he working? Is he dorming?

He's 18 and you're still handling the money he earns? Or this was when he was younger?

DC is in school with a part time job. I am still handling their money. It's quite a lot by this point.

amother

Apricot

Wed, Sep 18 2019, 6:14 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I don't understand what this means. If they have different expenses, they will need different amounts of spending money. It's not about favorites.

Have DC write down all the spending for a week. Then review it together and see if it's reasonable, or he can come up with ways to budget differently.

amother

Wed, Sep 18 2019, 6:15 am

DrMom wrote:

Why on earth does this thread need a "trigger warning?"

Because of how many times a poster will come on here and say the family is living on rice and beans. I am not flaunting finances. I want DC to learn reality.

amother

Lilac

Wed, Sep 18 2019, 6:18 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

DC is in school with a part time job. I am still handling their money. It's quite a lot by this point.

child is 18. Child should decide what do with part time earnings.

talk to child about the value of saving. talking to child about setting financial goals. talk to child about how you will or won't support in early marriage.

child should be able to say - I'm going to put away x% of what I am earning - and I'm going spend the rest how I feel.

18 year old shouldn't have an allowance from his own money dictated by mom. he should be empowered to make his own choices - with good advice.

amother

Mistyrose

Wed, Sep 18 2019, 6:22 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

DC is in school with a part time job. I am still handling their money. It's quite a lot by this point.

YOU are putting away dc's money and handling her finances. Why isn't she handling the saving and learning in the process? You are perpetuating this. Your child can c"v end up like the son in law who extorts his in laws and the single daughter who sits at home without a job.

Mommyg8

Wed, Sep 18 2019, 6:23 am

When I was working before I got married my parents paid for all basic expenses such as room and board (obviously ) and clothing. Anything extra such as buying take out I paid for.

I thought that was very generous of my parents, actually. I think that's a fair deal.

I also think that DC (if capable) should have control of his/her money.

baltomom

Wed, Sep 18 2019, 6:24 am

IME, a teen spending the money that he/she has worked hard to earn is a lot more careful about how they spend the money than if parents are paying. An 18 year old with a job should have control of his own money and should be spending his own money! Yes, you should educate, discuss budgeting and financial realities. He needs to make his own mistakes so he can learn from them--and hopefully they will be small mistakes like wasting his money on eating out. He will learn to be more careful--and evaluate purchases--in the future.

amother

Wed, Sep 18 2019, 6:30 am

amother [ Copper ] wrote:

So why are you so nervous about money for later.
I think at 18 any money a child earns is theirs to spend or save as they choose. Not for parents to decide.
I thought child was younger.

It is not money that I am nervous about. It's the future marriage and entitlements that concern me. How can a future spouse fit in with a person who is used to anything they want?

amother

Lilac

Wed, Sep 18 2019, 6:31 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Summer jobs and part time jobs during school. There's bar and bat mitzvah money.

Forget about the passive income. That's not them earning money - that's their savings/investments earning money - reasonable that you are managing that - and probably shouldn't be spent now if you have other income.

Summer jobs, part time jobs - they should have bank accounts that they control - that they can see.

amother

Lilac

Wed, Sep 18 2019, 6:32 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

It is not money that I am nervous about. It's the future marriage and entitlements that concern me. How can a future spouse fit in with a person who is used to anything they want?

How is it entitlement if your child is spending money earned from a job he or she had?