5 yr old becoming really aggressive

amother

Thu, Oct 03 2019, 5:00 pm

He’s shy and big for his age. Until this yr he kept to himself out of the house. At home he was sweet n gentle. His teachers last yr were concerned that he’d be a target for bullying because he didn’t speak up for himself and he’s clumsy around the play yard.
Bh he had a great counselor this summer and a really successful camp experience. But now he’s become really loud pushy (literally) and aggressive. He grabs things, destroys his siblings toys n projects, and is really hard to be around. The bus driver complained and I just got a call from school about his behavior.
He’s also extremely stubborn so I can’t have a meaningful conversation with him about my or his feelings... and He just doesn’t listen so I can’t ask him to leave the room, return a stolen toy...
He’s my third child. But the first Time that I’m just a loss

FranticFrummie

Thu, Oct 03 2019, 5:07 pm

Please find a therapist or parenting coach who is familiar with Narrative Therapy. It's amazing. Neither you or he will be blamed or shamed, and the therapist can "make him the boss of his Temper Beast". It's very empowering for both parents and children.

Get the book "Playful Solutions for Serious Problems."

amother

Teal

Thu, Oct 03 2019, 7:39 pm

I have a similar issue with my 5 year old, and would also love some advice. With mine it seems like it's just an anger management thing, combined with a low frustration tolerance. But he doesn't act up so much in school- seems like he just learns it from there. I am trying to do time outs for any violence, and seeing if we can break the habit of always reacting to frustration by hitting/kicking.

You said your son had such a shift during the summer? Have you ever spoken to him about why? I would start with that. Have a conversation about how he used to behave, playing nicely, behaving nicely on the bus and at school. See if he sees the difference and can verbalize what changed or why he now behaves this way. Maybe take one situation (not taking place right then) to compare. Say, "When you were 4 and your sister brought home a nice project, you said 'wow it's so nice' and it made her feel so good. Yesterday she showed you her project and you broke it. That made her so sad. Why do you think you acted so different?" You said he's stubborn and can't have a meaningful conversation, but why would stubbornness prevent him from discussing feelings when he's not in the heat of the moment? If he won't with you, is there anyone he would speak to openly? Maybe an aunt or grandparent?

amother

Teal

Thu, Oct 03 2019, 7:53 pm

Sorry, one more thing- you said before you/teachers were worried he would be a victim of bullying. If he is reacting to being taken advantage of or hurt- meaning defending himself or sticking up for himself to some extent, I would tell him you're proud of him for that, and maybe try to come up with more appropriate ways to do it. But don't make him feel like he needs to be a victim and can't stick up for himself. Doesn't sound like the change is all bad in that way.

amother

cornflower

Thu, Oct 03 2019, 8:22 pm

amother [ Fuchsia ] wrote:

check for strep/strep antibodies

This!!!
My sons behavior always escalates when he has strep (It’s actually become one of his symptoms - when he suddenly starts acting out we make sure to swab him.)

In general, rule out anything medical before taking the behavioral approach.