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-> Interesting Discussions
Frenchfry
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Mon, Dec 09 2019, 7:35 pm
I've been following the threads about infertility and everyone having their challenges.
My question is...... Really? I feel like that's the cliche that we use when it looks like someone else has it better. I wonder though if it's really true. I don't really believe that "everyone has their pekel"
I know that you never know what's going on in another person's personal life, but really when I compare my life to those who I feel I know really well:
Some people seem to have it made, compared to a lot of the things I deal with. I feel like they really do. On the other hand some people have so much on their plates I can't imagine how they cope.
I feel like in the Olam haemes it'll all balance out, but here..... Not so much.
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allthingsblue
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Mon, Dec 09 2019, 7:46 pm
Yes. Really.
I don't think it balances out necessarily but everyone has, had or will have something.
I am thinking of people whom everyone thinks has it perfect. What I know about them (different families):
One person lost her mom and dad at a young age and basically functions as a mom to her siblings in addition to her own kids.
One person has severe depression and cannot keep control of her life and family, despite lots of paid help.
One person has a husband who is financially very successful but also very arrogant and treats her like garbage sometimes, in public.
One person had birth control fail 3 times so life is very hectic and stressful with 4 under age 5.
One person had IF (b"H they had a happy ending!).
One person has a terribly negative Dh who insists on living in a certain place where she hates life, and the negativity comes through every day in many ways and ruins things.
One person has a very difficult mother and had an abusive childhood.
One person's Dh doesn't have a job and neither does she.
One person's Dh has severe depression to the point that he cannot function despite treatment.
One person is still single.
One person lost her husband unexpectedly.
You'd never guess any of this about any of the people I know. They may look out together, happy, successful despite their incredibly difficult challenges.
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amother
Seafoam
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Mon, Dec 09 2019, 7:47 pm
Frenchfry wrote: | I've been following the threads about infertility and everyone having their challenges.
My question is...... Really? I feel like that's the cliche that we use when it looks like someone else has it better. I wonder though if it's really true. I don't really believe that "everyone has their pekel"
I know that you never know what's going on in another person's personal life, but really when I compare my life to those who I feel I know really well:
Some people seem to have it made, compared to a lot of the things I deal with. I feel like they really do. On the other hand some people have so much on their plates I can't imagine how they cope.
I feel like in the Olam haemes it'll all balance out, but here..... Not so much. |
I understand your point and agree somewhat - BUT - I have it really hard. And no one would guess. I’m very pretty, have two great kids, appear to have some money... but no one would guess the terrible shalom bayis issues I have, the suicidal states I’ve been in, the intense pain of not having more children, the financial struggles... So yes, I also look at people and think they have it better, but the cliche exists for a reason. It’s kind of true. But I agree to the extent that there are definitely those who are better off and those who have it worse.
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leah233
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Mon, Dec 09 2019, 7:48 pm
I don't believe "everyone has their pekel".
However I do believe that you can't know what is going on by someone else .
There are some people who seem like they have everything but in reality have very difficult lives.
Conversely there are some people with difficult lives who have redeeming factors that you wouldn't realize. Those factors do in fact in somewhat balance things out but given thier difficulties they themselves don't sufficiently appreciate them.
Last edited by leah233 on Mon, Dec 09 2019, 9:20 pm; edited 2 times in total
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thunderstorm
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Mon, Dec 09 2019, 7:54 pm
I believe that what’s a pekel for one person is just part of life for another . They could have the same thing happening to them and they each deal with it differently so it seems worse for one person more than the other.
I do think that lots of issues are closeted and we don’t know about them. No matter how close we are to people , whether it’s friends or relatives you still don’t know everything. Lots of things are hidden intentionally. My therapist told me that it’s usually the people that appear to have it all going for them who are the ones we should worry about .
Last edited by thunderstorm on Mon, Dec 09 2019, 7:55 pm; edited 1 time in total
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amother
Orchid
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Mon, Dec 09 2019, 7:55 pm
It's not that a person whose life looks perfect must actually have a perfect life, but one problem doesn't protect from another. The woman who suffers from severe depression is not immune to cancer and infertility.
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amother
Peach
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Mon, Dec 09 2019, 8:01 pm
I believe it's possible that some people don't have issues but it's rare and you can't tell who does and who doesn't by looking at them!
And even if you think you do know it might not be true because you only know what they share with you! Even your best friend and even your next door neighbor!
Most people have some kind of problems in life. (Look at this site to confirm: Chinuch, health, parnassa, some have too many kids, some not enough or not at all, some hate the place they live, some have family relationships issues....who doesn't have any problems???)
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marina
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Mon, Dec 09 2019, 8:17 pm
Everything is relative.My life challenges would be a dream come true for entire populations of people currently living in third world countries.
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GreenEyes26
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Mon, Dec 09 2019, 8:21 pm
I don’t know if any of you belong to the FrumGirlProblems group on Facebook, but they had a series the last couple weeks called “#personbehindthepost” where women shared their stories. It was so, so eye opening and really reminded me that EVERYONE has struggles. It’s useless to compare who has it worse, but everyone has something. Some of these women, they were gorgeous and looked so perfect, and their stories were heartbreaking.
Everyone has a story, but their story doesn’t have to be a tragedy for yours to be a success.
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amother
Blue
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Mon, Dec 09 2019, 8:33 pm
Frenchfry wrote: | I've been following the threads about infertility and everyone having their challenges.
My question is...... Really? I feel like that's the cliche that we use when it looks like someone else has it better. I wonder though if it's really true. I don't really believe that "everyone has their pekel"
I know that you never know what's going on in another person's personal life, but really when I compare my life to those who I feel I know really well:
Some people seem to have it made, compared to a lot of the things I deal with. I feel like they really do. On the other hand some people have so much on their plates I can't imagine how they cope.
I feel like in the Olam haemes it'll all balance out, but here..... Not so much. |
I agree 100%. I was actually going to post something like this in response to those threads, but I didn't get around to it, so I am glad you did.
While it is true that no one has a perfect life, problems are definitely not distributed evenly, and some of us (like me) seem to constantly get the short end of the stick. I am in my high twenties, and I have siblings a decade older than me who have not experienced even one quarter of the challenges that I have (several rare health conditions in both myself and a child, pregnancy loss, IF etc). I absolutely believe that some people have better mazel, and things just work out well for them. While for other people...not so much.
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amother
Salmon
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Mon, Dec 09 2019, 9:09 pm
marina wrote: | Everything is relative.My life challenges would be a dream come true for entire populations of people currently living in third world countries. |
Actually that is a very good point....
I am a chabad shlucha, andlive in a third world country. Most people here have horrible lives......
Not like some really bad stuff. Everything is horrible. For real. I know people who aside from the fact that they are alive, there isn't really too much good they can boast, and everything else is plain horrifying in there lives.
But that's life and they live it. They cry and move on , and continue fighting with there challenges.
(No work, destitute, in crazy debt, very very sick, abusive drunk husband, sick kids....and alot of ppl this is not even half there problems.....)
Bh I'm lucky, I have life ALOT better then most ppl.
And no, I still have the right to complain and cry when something is hard for me.....
Despite the fact that I do have bread on my table (even though the monthly salary for my family is 400 to 500 $, and I bh have a family.
I'm even allowed to complain to one of the locals....
Big challenges dont cancel out small challenges.
But in the end of the day, its important to remember to say thank you to hashem for what I DO have.
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leah233
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Mon, Dec 09 2019, 9:16 pm
GreenEyes26 wrote: | I don’t know if any of you belong to the FrumGirlProblems group on Facebook, but they had a series the last couple weeks called “#personbehindthepost” where women shared their stories. It was so, so eye opening and really reminded me that EVERYONE has struggles. It’s useless to compare who has it worse, but everyone has something. Some of these women, they were gorgeous and looked so perfect, and their stories were heartbreaking.
Everyone has a story, but their story doesn’t have to be a tragedy for yours to be a success. |
People without major problems aren't posting on FrumGirlProblems group on Facebook.
You are only seeing the gorgeous people with problems there. Not the ones without
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Mommyg8
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Mon, Dec 09 2019, 9:18 pm
I think that anyone who went through the Holocaust had an objectively harder life than someone who didn't. That's just a fact.
Someone who had a miserable marriage, multiple miscarriages including a stillborn, and destitute has an objectively harder life than someone with a good marriage, the right amount of kids, and an easy parnasah.
I just don't think it's true that everybody has something terrible that they're hiding. While no one goes through life scot free, and of course everyone eventually dies, some people really do have better mazal than others.
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Bleemee
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Mon, Dec 09 2019, 9:19 pm
I don't think we all have "equal" challenges, and I also don't think we can look at someone who doesn't seem to have any challenges and have any idea about what's going on with their life.
I don't assume that "behind closed doors" everyone, even those who don't seem like it, MUST be dealing with something horrible, but I do believe that behind closed doors everyone, even those who don't seem like it, CAN be dealing with something horrible.
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amother
Ruby
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Mon, Dec 09 2019, 9:27 pm
My hub between his friends has what is called a "perfect life". He has a career, makes nice money, owns a home, has kah a big family who he can support without struggling, yet nobody knows what my parents are like. How we have to think every word we say to them, and what are next move will be cuz how will they react. Yes my hubs father in law gave him some money for the house, but this same man put in in tremendous debt cuz of the house, how there were strings attached to that money, but we took it cuz we were beyond desperate to move. So yes we are living comfortably, but we have these set of parents that I promise you with all my heart is a baggage on its own. I hate my father with all my heart. To this day I mean seriously, whenever my dh walks into the house and my kids get excited I'm excited too and thank hashem again that they love their father cuz I didn't have that.
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chestnut
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Mon, Dec 09 2019, 9:31 pm
leah233 wrote: | People without major problems aren't posting on FrumGirlProblems group on Facebook.
You are only seeing the gorgeous people with problems there. Not the ones without |
Nope. The group name is about problems unique to frum women (hand shaking with men at work, etc.)
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amother
Slateblue
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Mon, Dec 09 2019, 9:33 pm
No one has a perfect life but some people do have more perfect than others.
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GreenEyes26
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Mon, Dec 09 2019, 10:07 pm
leah233 wrote: | People without major problems aren't posting on FrumGirlProblems group on Facebook.
You are only seeing the gorgeous people with problems there. Not the ones without |
I’m assuming you don’t have Facebook, but if you do, you should check out the group. It’s not at all about problems. It’s just a fun big group of frum women talking about everything. Not sure where it got the name honestly.
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Ravenclaw
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Mon, Dec 09 2019, 10:13 pm
I don't think we all have equal problems, but I believe that we all experience them equally.
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amother
Cyan
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Mon, Dec 09 2019, 11:33 pm
of course some people have problems that are bigger than others. everyone has their own problems yes. but there is no way you can say everyone struggles equally. some people most definitely struggle and have pain filled lives that are far greater than others. Maybe one person struggles with a difficult parent and yes that is difficult , but if they have a husband and children and a home and decent jobs , you absolutely cannot compare that to the single divorced woman who is 36 years old, has no children, is about to be thrown out of her home any day because she has a difficult landlord, and has no family support whatsoever both financially and emotionally and is living completely on her own.
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