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Forum
-> Relationships
-> Simcha Section
amother
Amber
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Fri, Jan 03 2020, 5:35 am
My mother wants to put me up in a bedroom upstairs in her teeny weeny (semi-attached Flatbush walkthru house)
A 10x10 bedroom. Upstairs with all my baby siblings (I'm the oldest of a lot, and my youngest sibling is 5). Me, hubby, and kids sharing this ONE teeny room. With a door with no lock on it. And ONE. BATHROOM. FOR ALL.
And THENNNNNN she gets angry at me that I'm being "high maintenance" and "not so nice" when I said "nooooo thank you."
Wanna switch?
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DVOM
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Fri, Jan 03 2020, 6:07 am
amother [ Yellow ] wrote: | Nope. No slack.
You can't take care of other people before your own child without making said child feel very hurt.
If OP had volunteered to take care of herself and was a take-charge person, that would be different. But she was relying on her mother, who already booked everyone that OP knows in the neighborhood for other people. Who is OP supposed to call now?
I've been in this situation, with a 1.5 yo and an aufruf and no eruv. I didn't go. Just couldn't make it. And it was the right call. | [b]
I think that's true if your child is a child. Here the 'child' is a grown woman, with a child of her own. Is it really too much to assume she can tolerate not being set up with accomodations first?
It sounds to me like OP's mom is still working on arrangements...take a deep breath, OP. It's ok for your mom to cross extended family, new family members, off the list first, to make sure they are taken care of before taking care of her own married kids who she must assume are a bit more flexible and need less impressing.
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amother
Lime
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Fri, Jan 03 2020, 6:37 am
Can you take the accomodations offered and arrange your own sitter to come and babysit there?
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rae
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Fri, Jan 03 2020, 6:41 am
amother [ Amber ] wrote: | My mother wants to put me up in a bedroom upstairs in her teeny weeny (semi-attached Flatbush walkthru house)
A 10x10 bedroom. Upstairs with all my baby siblings (I'm the oldest of a lot, and my youngest sibling is 5). Me, hubby, and kids sharing this ONE teeny room. With a door with no lock on it. And ONE. BATHROOM. FOR ALL.
And THENNNNNN she gets angry at me that I'm being "high maintenance" and "not so nice" when I said "nooooo thank you."
Wanna switch? |
What is your mom supposed to do in her “ teeny weeny (semi-attached Flatbush walkthru house)”
Is she supposed to move all her kids in her room? should she move out of her bedroom?
Should she put the chassan or kallah on floor so you can have privacy.
If it’s for a shabbos, it’s one night. Can you reframe and think that my mom wants me part of the family. That maybe I can help her at my siblings simcha, just like I’m sure they all helped at yours.
Your mom is a person too, she married you off. This is the home she has and you grew up in. What do you want her to do?
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Sebastian
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Fri, Jan 03 2020, 6:58 am
The same way she s.placing the chosson s side by relatives and neighbors , she can place op
I would be hurt
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littleprincess
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Fri, Jan 03 2020, 7:06 am
Maybe if u post the location of the simcha one of us can help u find a comfortable accommodation
I live close to some halls and a lot of times host guests just for shabbes . (Not in New York though)
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amother
Magenta
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Fri, Jan 03 2020, 7:21 am
amother [ Amber ] wrote: | My mother wants to put me up in a bedroom upstairs in her teeny weeny (semi-attached Flatbush walkthru house)
A 10x10 bedroom. Upstairs with all my baby siblings (I'm the oldest of a lot, and my youngest sibling is 5). Me, hubby, and kids sharing this ONE teeny room. With a door with no lock on it. And ONE. BATHROOM. FOR ALL.
And THENNNNNN she gets angry at me that I'm being "high maintenance" and "not so nice" when I said "nooooo thank you."
Wanna switch? |
Honestly, I come from such a family with such a setup. We never go for weekends or yom tov for this reason but hopefully when my siblings get married we will move in for shbbs Sheva brachos. Yes it will be uncomfortable but it's a sacrifice I will make to be part of the simcha.
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amother
Amber
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Fri, Jan 03 2020, 10:18 am
rae wrote: | What is your mom supposed to do in her “ teeny weeny (semi-attached Flatbush walkthru house)”
Is she supposed to move all her kids in her room? should she move out of her bedroom?
Should she put the chassan or kallah on floor so you can have privacy.
If it’s for a shabbos, it’s one night. Can you reframe and think that my mom wants me part of the family. That maybe I can help her at my siblings simcha, just like I’m sure they all helped at yours.
Your mom is a person too, she married you off. This is the home she has and you grew up in. What do you want her to do? |
????
You're joking, right?! She could put me up by a neighbor. I'm coming in from an 8 hour drive. I offered to put MYSELF up and find MY OWN babysitter. But no, I'm being too high maintenance. And also, we (FIVE. PEOPLE.) would be sleeping in my sisters' room, so they (my sisters) would have to sleep out by friends/neighbors.
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amother
Smokey
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Fri, Jan 03 2020, 10:32 am
I guess in my family we wouldn’t even have such a problem.
Sisters a I would be making all the phone calls and the accommodations for all the guests.
It’s OUR simcha and we would help our mother with some wedding prep. Accommodating guest is one of the biggest jobs.
My mom has so many things to do as is.
Gosh, too many snowflakes today
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amother
Olive
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Fri, Jan 03 2020, 10:47 am
Amother amber, I don't get the issue with FIVE PEOPLE sleeping in one room for ONE weekend. What is the big deal????? And what's wrong with nebach sharing a bathroom with your siblings?? Sorry to say, you do sound pretty entitled and high maintenance. Most people I know don't get their own bathroom when staying at their parents.
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amother
Amber
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Fri, Jan 03 2020, 11:17 am
amother [ Olive ] wrote: | Amother amber, I don't get the issue with FIVE PEOPLE sleeping in one room for ONE weekend. What is the big deal????? And what's wrong with nebach sharing a bathroom with your siblings?? Sorry to say, you do sound pretty entitled and high maintenance. Most people I know don't get their own bathroom when staying at their parents. |
It's a 10x10. It's basically wall-to-wall mattress.
The door doesnt lock, or even close all the way. And my siblings are young and dont understand the concept of privacy, so they'd be in and out all shabbos, even if I explain to them that they cant.
All of our stuff, clothes, shoes, would have to stay in the car because the closet and drawers in the room are way overpacked, and theres literally no room.
My kids are gonna wake up from the (newborn) baby every 2 hours.
We would be upstairs with my parents and 4 other siblings.
Sharing a bathroom and shower (theres only 1 working shower) with like 10 other people. And I'm postpartum.
All my brothers sleep in the basement, so no moving anyone downstairs. We would also be kicking my 2 sisters out of their own bedroom and into different houses.
Don't tell me I'm being unreasonable.
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amother
Smokey
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Fri, Jan 03 2020, 11:24 am
amother [ Amber ] wrote: | It's a 10x10. It's basically wall-to-wall mattress.
The door doesnt lock, or even close all the way. And my siblings are young and dont understand the concept of privacy, so they'd be in and out all shabbos, even if I explain to them that they cant.
All of our stuff, clothes, shoes, would have to stay in the car because the closet and drawers in the room are way overpacked, and theres literally no room.
My kids are gonna wake up from the (newborn) baby every 2 hours.
We would be upstairs with my parents and 4 other siblings.
Sharing a bathroom and shower (theres only 1 working shower) with like 10 other people. And I'm postpartum.
All my brothers sleep in the basement, so no moving anyone downstairs. We would also be kicking my 2 sisters out of their own bedroom and into different houses.
Don't tell me I'm being unreasonable. |
With three of your own kids in the room, I don’t think you’ll need the lock or privacy.
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amother
Bronze
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Fri, Jan 03 2020, 11:31 am
amother [ Smokey ] wrote: | With three of your own kids in the room, I don’t think you’ll need the lock or privacy. |
Why doesn't she need privacy? She may be nursing. May be not tznius as she sleeps. Her husband doesn't want an audience of his wife's sisters and parents as he sleeps.
10 by 10 is tiny. My boys share a room that size, and we only were able to fit two twin size beds in the room by removing the door altogether. I can't imagine physically fitting 5 people, unless maybe the room is empty and you have sleeping bags. And even then, it would be ridiculously tight.
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amother
Indigo
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Fri, Jan 03 2020, 11:39 am
amother [ Amber ] wrote: | My mother wants to put me up in a bedroom upstairs in her teeny weeny (semi-attached Flatbush walkthru house)
A 10x10 bedroom. Upstairs with all my baby siblings (I'm the oldest of a lot, and my youngest sibling is 5). Me, hubby, and kids sharing this ONE teeny room. With a door with no lock on it. And ONE. BATHROOM. FOR ALL.
And THENNNNNN she gets angry at me that I'm being "high maintenance" and "not so nice" when I said "nooooo thank you."
Wanna switch? |
Ha! Sounds like my life. In the beginning we would sleep out (my husband was very overwhelmed lol he got over it) but now with kids I actually find it much easier to just sleep in the house, lack of privacy and all. In the morning I send my kids to play with my sibilings without having to move a muscle.
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Chayalle
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Fri, Jan 03 2020, 11:45 am
amother [ Olive ] wrote: | Amother amber, I don't get the issue with FIVE PEOPLE sleeping in one room for ONE weekend. What is the big deal????? And what's wrong with nebach sharing a bathroom with your siblings?? Sorry to say, you do sound pretty entitled and high maintenance. Most people I know don't get their own bathroom when staying at their parents. |
When you're exhausted from traveling or a Simcha, that extra night of NO SLEEP makes a big difference (in the wrong kind of way.)
I remember going for Shabbos and Y"T to my in-laws with my girls when they were little, in a small bedroom...none of us slept much, my kids were cranky, I was zonked, etc...that was the biggest push for me to start making Y"T at home.
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amother
Amber
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Fri, Jan 03 2020, 11:57 am
amother [ Smokey ] wrote: | With three of your own kids in the room, I don’t think you’ll need the lock or privacy. |
Shkoiach.
That's the exact reason I don't wanna do it.
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amother
Gray
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Fri, Jan 03 2020, 12:08 pm
This simcha is about your sister. Your mom is understandably under pressure to make sure her new family is accommodated nicely, so it makes sense she worked on that first.
Have you ever tried to place several families for 1 shabbos? Not an easy task and very stressful. In addition to all of the other arrangements I'm sure she is very busy with. Especially if everything is on her. I would cut her some slack. It may not be easy for you, but I'm sure she is the one who will be exhausted by the work and prep by the time things are done and then will have major cleaning and organizing to do, while you go back home and in a couple of days will be back into your routine.
You don't seem to have a realistic understanding of the workload she is dealing with.
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amother
Periwinkle
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Fri, Jan 03 2020, 12:15 pm
amother [ Beige ] wrote: | Huh. We always serve our guests first. |
Seriously? You send like my mom who is known as the biggest baalas chessed and everyone thinks she’s amazing. BUT this is all on the expense of her own children!! We were emotionally neglected and are all scarred. It’s dysfunctional! Please change your attitude for the sake of your children!
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amother
Purple
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Fri, Jan 03 2020, 2:33 pm
I slept with 4 children in one room for three weeks by my in-laws for Yomtov. Also one bathroom, and this room led to the succah so it the grand central station. Additionally, I was nursing my baby. To me one night, no big deal!
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amother
Dodgerblue
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Fri, Jan 03 2020, 2:45 pm
amother [ Amber ] wrote: | It's a 10x10. It's basically wall-to-wall mattress.
The door doesnt lock, or even close all the way. And my siblings are young and dont understand the concept of privacy, so they'd be in and out all shabbos, even if I explain to them that they cant.
All of our stuff, clothes, shoes, would have to stay in the car because the closet and drawers in the room are way overpacked, and theres literally no room.
My kids are gonna wake up from the (newborn) baby every 2 hours.
We would be upstairs with my parents and 4 other siblings.
Sharing a bathroom and shower (theres only 1 working shower) with like 10 other people. And I'm postpartum.
All my brothers sleep in the basement, so no moving anyone downstairs. We would also be kicking my 2 sisters out of their own bedroom and into different houses.
Don't tell me I'm being unreasonable. |
I have a similar situation at my parents. Here are my solutions: Come as rarely as possible. When I have to come I buy a lock for the door and install it on Friday (which is inevitably broken by the next visit, so yes, I know never to come without stopping at the hardware store.) Bring a mirror, paper window shades, and anything I might need. Expect little to no sleep. And then deal with a smile
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