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Forum
-> Parenting our children
thegiver
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Mon, Oct 12 2020, 6:33 am
How do you create a happy atmosphere in your home? I have the opposite situation. For instance I can't wait for yom tov to be over or the day to be over. So I can be alone relax read a book. For the mess to be gone. Even though this is that case now, I want the opposite. I want to be with my kids in the mess. To enjoy them when they are young and to enjoy being around them. (the little ones are easier to enjoy because they are naturally cute but the older ones bicker and dont listen and I get annoyed with them more).
Also, Besides for self care, how do you maintain your own happiness? My kids are under ten and I feel like I have an atmosphere of tension in my home and demands and threats when kids don't listen to my pleas for help or instructions. Generally I'm giving instructions or demands so my older kids have learned to ignore my requests or tune me out. (My sister said the atmosphere in my home seems to be like walking on eggshells)
Recently I just learned to engage in conversation before making a request. That was helpful. I want them to be happy being home and not always kvetching to go to a friend. How do you make playtime fun without worrying about the increasing mess? How to you make the shabbos or yom tov table fun when kids are tired or it's been a long day in the kitchen for you? How do you keep them happily engaged and preoccupied during long days of yom tov without friends? (Special time is helpful and playing chase and outside but what about the other 11 hours of the day lol)
Also, How do I show my kids love even when they don't do what I want? Like my son kept tickling me today and I seriously hate it. Or he called me stupid. Try to create a happy atmosphere in your home when the older kid is antagonizing the middle child and someone is always shrieking STOP IT and crying. HELP!!
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DVOM
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Mon, Oct 12 2020, 6:46 am
Oh dear...
You sound very overwhelmed, OP. I'm guessing from your post that you guys are at least semi locked down right now (you mentioned no playmates).
Would it help if you carved out zones of action for your day? It's helped me a lot. My nature is to be a constant cleaner, but that's a tense way to live with kids. Instead, I imagine I'm running a playgroup. This is playtime, or meal time, or outdoor time, clean up time with be later. Because I'm not nagging my boys to clean up all day they listen better when I ask for help.
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amother
Babyblue
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Mon, Oct 12 2020, 7:07 am
I got nothin’ , sorry. It’s so hard. I hate doing this with no break or help. I hate “taking it by the day”. I’m definitely not the happiest mom. I read all the gentle parenting books and blogs, so I implement all that, and my kids are ok. But it’s way too exhausting for me. I get zero breaks, I shower maybe 2x a week because I’m so dead by the end of the day. I don’t eat real meals, just whatever’s leftover on my kids’ plates. My husband is unavailable. Y”t was miserable because it rained both days straight, so we were indoors the whole day and couldn’t even take a walk. At 3:00 I was completely burnt out and couldn’t even sit quietly in the couch because one of my kids needed me, and my 1 yr old kept poking at my closed eyes.
Every single say is so hard. Gentle parenting is exhausting and takes way too much patience. I do it, but I don’t like it, and I’m drained all day long. Energy is gone. My kids woke up at 630 today (an hour early!), which is just perfect because I didn’t go to sleep until 2. I feel my blood boiling, and I want to scream and tantrum, but I can’t.
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thegiver
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Mon, Oct 12 2020, 11:34 pm
Sleep is a necessity to be A good mommy good luck!
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NotLazySusan
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Mon, Oct 12 2020, 11:39 pm
thegiver wrote: | How do you create a happy atmosphere in your home? I have the opposite situation. For instance I can't wait for yom tov to be over or the day to be over. So I can be alone relax read a book. For the mess to be gone. Even though this is that case now, I want the opposite. I want to be with my kids in the mess. To enjoy them when they are young and to enjoy being around them. (the little ones are easier to enjoy because they are naturally cute but the older ones bicker and dont listen and I get annoyed with them more).
Also, Besides for self care, how do you maintain your own happiness? My kids are under ten and I feel like I have an atmosphere of tension in my home and demands and threats when kids don't listen to my pleas for help or instructions. Generally I'm giving instructions or demands so my older kids have learned to ignore my requests or tune me out. (My sister said the atmosphere in my home seems to be like walking on eggshells)
Recently I just learned to engage in conversation before making a request. That was helpful. I want them to be happy being home and not always kvetching to go to a friend. How do you make playtime fun without worrying about the increasing mess? How to you make the shabbos or yom tov table fun when kids are tired or it's been a long day in the kitchen for you? How do you keep them happily engaged and preoccupied during long days of yom tov without friends? (Special time is helpful and playing chase and outside but what about the other 11 hours of the day lol)
Also, How do I show my kids love even when they don't do what I want? Like my son kept tickling me today and I seriously hate it. Or he called me stupid. Try to create a happy atmosphere in your home when the older kid is antagonizing the middle child and someone is always shrieking STOP IT and crying. HELP!!
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I don’t have advice but find your self awareness and desire to do better very inspiring. Your kids are lucky for that.
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amother
Coral
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Tue, Oct 13 2020, 12:22 am
I could’ve written this post. All I can say is put on some music and paste a smile on your face. Try to dance and sing and make things fun. Kids will enjoy and bicker less. It’s difficult. I’m with you completely. We all gotta hang in there
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amother
Coral
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Tue, Oct 13 2020, 12:23 am
Also get as much household help as possible. I have four full days a week so I don’t have to deal with laundry or dishes or basic cleaning and can focus on keeping kids happy
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amother
Babypink
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Tue, Oct 13 2020, 2:14 am
I have a laid back personality that helps me. I don't get upset if the house isn't perfect and it is what it is.
Also helps that my kids love when I tell stories, or drawing, and if I sense they are getting agitated I just take them to the park or biking, or dancing around the house, and they have fun and tire themselves out!
And.. pick your battles! They don't want to eat broccoli? They'll eat it next time! Better to have a peaceful home!
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amother
Burgundy
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Tue, Oct 13 2020, 8:43 am
OP, you sound like you're doing great. Your kids will remember this. IyH you'll get more tools to do even better.
A mechaneches I know who's a mother of a fairly large family said that when this started, she had to carve out some non-negotiable times (as much as possible. Also, she has teenagers already): Ten minutes to daven, and in the evening a few minutes to have a quiet tea. I don't know what's possible for you but maybe you can do something like that.
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amother
Royalblue
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Tue, Oct 13 2020, 9:58 am
And make it part of your routine that each child say three positive things about today, including yourself. Seeing the positive in day to day life will change the atmosphere to a positive one.
Loads of luck. It's not easy.
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tichellady
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Tue, Oct 13 2020, 10:20 am
I am a big fan of Janet landsbury’s parenting approach- she has books, blog and podcast
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behappy2
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Tue, Oct 13 2020, 10:28 am
This is not to say I am always happy with my kids around. That said I am happy with my kids when I'm having fun with them. This is easy with little kids. Play tag, peek a boo, tickle them, laugh with them, do if you're happy and you know it, dance with them, do exercises with them, make them rides...
That said of course basic and advanced self care as you mentioned.
I really enjoyed the book playful parenting.
Don't worry so much about making the atmosphere happy. Make YOU happy.
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mha3484
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Tue, Oct 13 2020, 10:54 am
I am overall a very laid back person. I dont want to raise my kids in a house that looks like a museum to me its stifling. I want them to come home at the end of the day and relax and if we spill, we wipe it up, if my 3 year old gets overly creative with crayons, we wash the wall. I am very matter of fact and dont loose my cool over small stuff that can be easily cleaned.
Also, I dont take myself seriously. My 3 and 5 year olds were running in front of our house on yomtov and wanted Ima to race them so I did. Who cares if the neighbor thinks I am wacko my kids thought it was awesome. We make up funny songs, rhyming names, we dance.
I use a lot of collaborative problem solving. I really try to see my kids perspective on why they behave how they do instead of micromanaging. This has really helped me to appreciate them as people and I really like being with them. They have great personalities and are really interesting to talk to. Ask them questions, see their perspective on the world, have real conversations with them. My almost 10 year old is a really deep thinker and we talk about all kinds of stuff. He loves when I sit with him while he chazers his school learning. Sometimes I will fold laundry or do some light cleaning but he knows I am listening and I dont see it as a burden.
Sorry if this is a ramble its just some ideas before I drank enough coffee
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dankbar
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Tue, Oct 13 2020, 1:19 pm
You are not supposed to manage because you are not a manager.
Your kids are tuning you out because you keep making demands on them & threatening them.
If you can't fight them, join them.
Make everything into fun instead of hearing barking orders from their general.
Make cleanup into a race, contest, game with you involved as well.
Let's see who can get the most legos into a bucket, in a happy sing song!
Reward them! Praise them!
Be proactive! Do fun projects or give them something constructive to do, so they don't tear down the place from boredom or tear each other's hair out.
Shabbos, you can read stories to them or play board games with them.
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amother
Amber
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Tue, Oct 13 2020, 1:24 pm
amother [ Babyblue ] wrote: |
I got nothin’ , sorry. It’s so hard. I hate doing this with no break or help. I hate “taking it by the day”. I’m definitely not the happiest mom. I read all the gentle parenting books and blogs, so I implement all that, and my kids are ok. But it’s way too exhausting for me. I get zero breaks, I shower maybe 2x a week because I’m so dead by the end of the day. I don’t eat real meals, just whatever’s leftover on my kids’ plates. My husband is unavailable. Y”t was miserable because it rained both days straight, so we were indoors the whole day and couldn’t even take a walk. At 3:00 I was completely burnt out and couldn’t even sit quietly in the couch because one of my kids needed me, and my 1 yr old kept poking at my closed eyes.
Every single say is so hard. Gentle parenting is exhausting and takes way too much patience. I do it, but I don’t like it, and I’m drained all day long. Energy is gone. My kids woke up at 630 today (an hour early!), which is just perfect because I didn’t go to sleep until 2. I feel my blood boiling, and I want to scream and tantrum, but I can’t. |
I really appreciate you being honest about gentle parenting...I see all over Instagram the reviews from moms who apply it and how they home became a peaceful place after they started implementing it ...
I still couldn’t implement it but I’m learning about it and I always wonder ...ok fine so I can’t scream ,I can’t give consequences ,I can’t make them feel guilty for something they do , I can’t bribe them it’s only empathy empathy and empathy for them ,but who is going to have empathy towards me ?
(I do agree with this approach and I prefer it over mainstream parenting I just don’t think it’s all roses like some people make it look like on Instagram )
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amother
Olive
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Tue, Oct 13 2020, 1:26 pm
Best of luck in figuring it out!! You sound so aware and determined to figure it out I’m sure you will with Hashem’s help.
Just want to share something insightful I heard - you can pick any 2 of the following 3 but you can’t have them all: perfect house, happy children, happy mother.
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small bean
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Tue, Oct 13 2020, 1:29 pm
What I find helps me enjoy my kids is by doing activities with them that I like to do also. I buy games that I enjoy playing. I read books that my kids will enjoy also, so we can schmooze about it. I cook food that I like, so I sit by the table with them to eat. I talk to them about topics that interest me, so thr conversation keeps me listening.
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metacognizant
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Tue, Oct 13 2020, 1:32 pm
I don't have great advice for you but here are a couple of things that are making a difference for me:
1) I have a 4 year old who is VERY defiant. Like, if I tell him to do ANYTHING, no matter how much it will benefit him, he will fight me on it. Recently I embraced this and invented the character of "The Monster" who only tells him what NOT to do. For example, every morning when he wakes up, my son is in tears, throwing an epic, destructive, violent, endless tantrum because his bladder is full but he does not want to pee pee in the potty. Who knows why he can't just do it and move on with his day? But this is a big challenge in our family. So this morning, "The Monster" (who is me but with a funny, raspy voice) tells him "Do NOT pee in the potty! Only responsible boys pee in the potty! I want you do pee all over the floor RIGHT NOW and then make the baby crawl in it!" And what do you know, my son, who was kicking and screaming on the floor a minute ago, starts laughing uproariously and RUNS to the potty to use it. And this goes on and on, The Monster tells my son what NOT to do, and my son thinks it's hilarious, and he does the right thing, to spite The Monster.
It seems to make a very big difference to find your kid's sense of humor, whatever they truly find funny given their ages and interests, and use humor to bond with them. Humor relaxes everybody, and it may inspire them to do what you tell them to.
2) Sleep. When my kids go to sleep, I go to sleep. I almost never stay up past THEIR bedtime. My house is a truly disgusting and sometimes dangerous mess. And I would rather it were clean. But when I'm sleep deprived I'm too moody to enjoy a clean house anyway. So I prioritize my sleep.
All your issues are so so normal for all of us, though. It's never easy.
Last edited by metacognizant on Tue, Oct 13 2020, 3:23 pm; edited 1 time in total
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