Life is not fair ir equal

imaima

Sun, Nov 08 2020, 2:46 pm

amother [ Blue ] wrote:

I don't agree. It's a parent's job to give each child what they themselves need, not what the other children need. If I'm giving out candy or presents, of course I'll try to be fair and equal. But for other life matters, it goes according to their individuality and personal needs.

I've had one daughter of mine complain to me that it's not fair. Why am I asking her to do something, and I'm not doing the same for another dc. I explained to her that each child has their own strengths and weaknesses and the parents have keen insight what each child needs to grow and develop themselves. I then asked her if she wants me to base my considerations on her personal needs or view her needs in context of the other kids. She agreed with me that it's not wise to go with the latter. But I also followed up with her that anytime she thinks something is really not fair, I'm always ready to have a respectful conversation about it with her.

It really worked. She became so much more understanding and agreeable in this area.

I think that this explanation is different than saying "Life is not fair". It is too simplistic and frankly speaking, pessimistic.

It is ok to say, I am providing according to your needs, or I am trying my best.

But I think that we should strive to be fair if possible. Otherwise, the next question: How do you choose whicvh child to disadvantage next time?

And why do you want your child to experience all the bad things in the world while still in your family? Why do they have to associate unfairness with their mother? Why not give them a mostly fair and pleasant home and let the outside world be "unfair"?
I just don't get it.
There is no value in practicing feeling unfairly treated from an early age.
Why is it better to experience unfair treatment at 5 and not at 15? Ok it will hurt in 15 and they will learn the lesson. What is the value to having felt this at 5, and from 5 all through the years?

amother

Olive

Sun, Nov 08 2020, 5:44 pm

flowerpower wrote:

Huge motto of mine- “Life is not even, equal, or fair”.
They should get used to it at a young age. See how to solve the issue theyre unhappy about....

I have grown up with pessimistic mottoes and let me tell you, it is a gloomy place.
Mom would always say: Don't have any hopes and you will not have any disappointments.

Guess who has a difficulty manifesting ANYTHING in her life and when I daven I cannot even formulate a wish, just not to get my hopes up (subconsciously).
I have done many things wrong in my life by not even knowing what I want, because I never hoped and wished, was hardly ever proactive.

Why train your child to be a victim and a loser from the start?

flowerpower

Sun, Nov 08 2020, 11:16 pm

amother [ Olive ] wrote:

No way. That is not what I do!!!! When there is a disappointment we discuss it so its a positive learning experience. But I have seen the other extreme and it’s awful. The kids can’t cope in life as an adult. They are used to being coddled.