Paying Back Parents-Only Child

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amother

Grape

Tue, Aug 24 2021, 7:24 pm

I learned a hard lesson with this. My parents are upper middle class and would give the shirts off their backs to help me and my siblings. They would never consider loaning any of us money. If we needed some money they gave it with a smile and graciously.

My in-laws are well to do. I assumed everyone was like like parents because that was all I knew. My in-laws never helped us and never felt the slightest achraiyos that we are their children and it's nice to help family. For many years I was very resentful of them. I've come to learn that everyone is different and many others have their philosophy when it comes to helping their children. I no longer resent them for their attitude. That being said I know that when my children are adults and they need help, I won't be lending my kids money. I will be giving them money with a smile.

amother

Snowdrop

Tue, Aug 24 2021, 7:42 pm

amother [ Papayawhip ] wrote:

On the flip side, I've picked up groceries and such for my mom and MIL, and then they ask me for the receipt and count out exact change to pay me back, despite my protests. Really, I would fargin it, it doesn't even feel like something that goes in the category of things to fargin. People are comfortable with different things I guess.

My iIS are like this. They have limited means but are generous as they can. But when it comes to shopping everyone pays back. They pay me and I pay them regardless of bill amount.
(My parents would never take money from me for a small grocery order they would pick up for me. That doesn’t make in laws less wonderful or loving)

amother

Tue, Aug 24 2021, 7:47 pm

amother [ Denim ] wrote:

I think for the sake of avoiding lashon hara, you shouldnt tell anyone that your parents made you pay back.....bec as you said, a few friends were surprised as if to say that your parents are well off and only have you as a child, so its bad of them to make you pay back(and this is lashon hara or motzei shem ra)

so, there are many possibilities here which are 1) you may not know if your parents have debt or.......I took over my fils finances when he was away on business one summer and although he spends like he is wealthy and has a good paying job, I saw he had 30k of debt
2) you dont know that your parents dont need to save more money or retirement

3) even if they have no debt and enough $ for retirment, you dont know their chesbonos(calculations) maybe they would rather save that $ to "gift" you or your children in the future to pay for weddings or ....its their $ so their choice how to spend it

there is always a possibility that some parents are selfish and dont want their kids to have any of their $ or....but this is unusual and I guess you would know this based on how they act in other areas....

but, even if you are correct that your parents are selfish(which you wouldnt know for sure), pls dont discuss with your friends about your parents loaning you $, it only leads to sins of talking bad about your parents and causing you to think bad of them....im talking from experience...I try to avoid talking to my friends about my relatives and my feelings about $ regarding them.

Thank you. I think you are right. I was talking about finances with a very good friend. We were talking about monthly expenses and that is why I mentioned we pay back a loan to my parents every month It isn't something I usually talk about.

In the past it was friends or acquaintances making assumptions about my parents paying for things because I'm an only child. That sometimes made me feel I'm the only one whose parents don't buy them gifts or pay for things for my children. It didn't bother me the same way because I know my parents aren't lavish people so it's just not their style.

This time it was a really good friend who was so shocked it made me second guess things a little.

notshanarishona

Tue, Aug 24 2021, 8:20 pm

My husband comes from a small family, his parents have lent us money, never occurred to us to ask for a handout. They know our financial situation and have co-signed for us many times for gemachs and other financial documents. if they wanted to give we wouldnt say no but I wouldn’t put them in the uncomfortable position of asking .

mirror

Wed, Aug 25 2021, 1:28 pm

This is why we all need to daven for rich parents.

amother

NeonPurple

Wed, Aug 25 2021, 1:51 pm

I never borrowed money from my parents but they gave me money for a down payment, medical expenses, appliances and those kinds of major expenses. I never asked but they offered and it wasn’t a loan but a gift.

They didn’t give me money for vacations or expensive clothing although everyone might get a generous holiday gift or birthday present. Nor would I have dreamed of asking them to lend me money for those kinds of thing.

Maybe it is semantics because obviously if someone lends you money, whoever the person or the relationship is, they expect to be repaid or they would say it is a gift. The only time I could imagine is if circumstances change like you lose a job or the person forgives the loan.

FWIW, my parents left me in excess of a million dollars but I never presumed to think of it as my money while they were alive. They were generous but we were expected to be independent but knowing there was a safety net for emergencies. I was a trustee for my father’s living trust and towards the end of his life, I took care of his finances but his money was his although he would sometimes joke about spending my inheritance when he splurged on a pound of cherries or a bag of pistachios. 😂

lora

Wed, Aug 25 2021, 1:55 pm

my in laws loaned us money to buy a house and we have every intention of paying it back even if honestly they really do not need it, they wont miss the money if we dont pay back, but we are the ones who bought the house and parents do not owe there grown kids anything.

amother

Oxfordblue

Wed, Aug 25 2021, 2:07 pm

Not an only child, but the youngest. My parents lent us money when we bought our house. Yes, I plan to pay it back and have already paid a nice chunk. We have 20 years to return the money. My father was very clear about the terms. Even made one of my siblings draw up a plan how they plan to pay it all back.

amother

DarkPurple

Wed, Aug 25 2021, 2:18 pm

Are you asking for a gift or for a loan?
If you want a gift, ask outright.
Why ask for a loan if you don't want to pay it back?

Also, it seams like you are doing this repeatedly.
They may not be able to afford constant gifts, I'd you would be constantly borrowing and not repaying.

Last edited by amother on Wed, Dec 22 2021, 9:20 am; edited 1 time in total

amother

Watermelon

Wed, Aug 25 2021, 3:24 pm

Why would you want to take money as a gift? Don’t you feel that your parents are giving you the gift of dignity by NOT giving a handout?
שונא מתנות יחי-ה

amother

Pewter

Wed, Aug 25 2021, 3:41 pm

My parents did something I think is very smart- they offered all of us money for a down payment but they would take that money out of our inheritance. My sister and bil in chinuch who really didn't have a cent took them up on it and my parents are so happy to see them comfortable in her own home, they enjoy that the money was used while they are alive b'H. We are looking to make some renovations and they offered us the same deal- use some of the inheritance money now- we will probably take them up on it. Baruch Hashem they have enough to live well until120, I realize not everyone is in a position to give away savings like that, but I think its a nice cross between a loan and a gift.

amother

Wed, Aug 25 2021, 3:57 pm

SafeAtLast wrote:

I'm not asking for anything. For example we needed a new car. When I told my parents, they offered to loan us the money so we wouldn't have to pay interest. I will repeat I didn't ask them. I actually would have preferred to be independent but my husband thought it would be crazy to turn the offer down.

They have done this multiple times. They always expect us to pay back on a schedule. It's not that we can't afford to buy things. We can't afford to buy things outright.

This is separate from gifts. Their love language is not gift giving. They almost never give me or my children any gifts.

amother

Oak

Wed, Aug 25 2021, 4:34 pm

Everyone has their own cheshbonos. My parents may lend money for a child's central a/c or a car or even a business startup but they won't think twice about paying for all my personal shopping when I visit them. I can't even buy my own tampons without my Mom pulling out her credit card on a visit to their hometown. LOL

mirror

Wed, Aug 25 2021, 5:46 pm

Imamother has taught me that every parent has extra money just sitting in a bank somewhere. Banging head

amother

Lime

Wed, Aug 25 2021, 8:05 pm

I'm an only child. My parents have lent me money, and I have paid them back. Only child , or not, a loan. Unless your parents specify not to pay it back, that's a different story.
I'm still not understanding what only child has to do with it

amother

Wed, Aug 25 2021, 8:22 pm

amother [ Lime ] wrote:

My friend thought it was weird because I'm an only child. Most people think only children are spoiled and their parents lavish everything on them. She thought it was weird that they loaned us money instead of offering us the money as a gift. People can understand if there are siblings who would get jealous if one child got more gifts/money than the other. People don't seem to understand that if someone is an only child.

amother

Lime

Wed, Aug 25 2021, 8:57 pm

We need our own only child club ;-)

amother

Wed, Aug 25 2021, 9:38 pm

amother [ Lime ] wrote:

We need our own only child club ;-)

We do! It's very uncommon in the frum world though. I think you are the only "only child" that actually responded.

amother

DarkOrange

Wed, Aug 25 2021, 9:42 pm

eh your friend should myob

its ugly to help doubt raise its head or interfere in parental relationship

sometimes people are jealous consciously or not that one is even getting a loan with no interest and available money

would not pay attention to comments

be grateful and say thank you and pay back on time

and sometimes it has to do with taxes and the like

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