I spoil my kids AMA

amother

Bluebonnet

Mon, Oct 11 2021, 10:51 am

amother [ Babyblue ] wrote:

I guess to me spoiling means you don’t say no. Or rarely say no.
You get most of what you want when you want as long as it is affordable.

I do know ppl that are crippled by that as adults.

But allowing kids to learn how to make decisions and make independent choices and budget is great.

You're right. Allowing kids to make choices and not expecting them to clean up after themselves and to pitch in is 2 different things.

amother

Firebrick

Mon, Oct 11 2021, 10:52 am

mommish613 wrote:

I think the foundation of all good parenting is endless love and affection. What happens after is merely a by product of this. You can have two moms who buy their kids the exact amount of toys, go on the same vacations etc but one is loving, kind, patient and models such behavior and the other might be giving so much to make up a lack in other areas.

Healthy kids are the ones that feel loved and secure. I don’t really think it’s measured by how much “stuff” their parents buy

But love and affection isn't enough. I have an in-house experiment. MY DH believes that only love and affection is needed, no discipline, give the children everything they ask for, etc. I believe that while love and affection must underline every action, children need boundaries, need the occasional no, & need encouragement and direction to reach higher for accomplishments.

What ended up happening was that my boys were raised in according to my DH's perspective, and the girls in mine. My DH involved himself more in the boys' lives, but not so much in the girls. (I had a few boys first, then a couple of girls). My boys are all laid back, lacking a drive, to different extents. They have few goals in their lives, and don't push themselves to accomplish much. Everything is ok, and consequences are just shrugged off, without much thought how to avoid it again. "So I lost money, big deal, dishes in the sink for days wont harm anyone (thats instead of helping his wife), not sure if I'll take the promotion, it involves more of a workload, etc.." They're very happy and settled in life, feel loved & secured - but the people around them not so much.

My girls on the other hand, are doing phenomenally well. They're not married yet, but they're racking up achievements one by one, while behaving like mentschen with outstanding middos. Yes, I'm their mother, but even the school is astounded by their middos and character. To quote a teacher, "in all my years, I've never seen a child display such middos & maturity at this young age'. My point is that love and affection works better with discipline, boundaries and encouragement.

Yep, I agree with my husband that love and affection is better than discipline. What I don't agree with is that love and affection is enough to raise children with.

amother

Firebrick

Mon, Oct 11 2021, 10:53 am

mommy3b2c wrote:

Lol. The other day my son saw the mail man putting mail into our mailbox and he tells him a big hearty THANK YOU!

Mailman “your welcome”

Son: “but really, thank you!”

Mailman: “your welcome little buddy”

Son: “I mean THANK YOU SO MUCH!!”

😂😂😂😂

This was all on his own. I didn’t say a word from beginning to end. He’s six.

Because you're teaching him middos, so he's doing great in that aspect. But what about the other stuff in life. Middos, while critically important, is not the only thing in life.

amother

Aster

Mon, Oct 11 2021, 10:57 am

amother [ Wallflower ] wrote:

That's what I was trying to say. My father and my husband both grew up in all boy households and they had to clean. I have not caught either one of them cleaning a thing in all the years I know them (dh will pay lip service to cleaning, but honestly, I can't tell the difference before and after he cleaned something). We've had a lot of discussions about this and he's gotten better, but the point I'm making is - training children only works as long as the authority - the mom - is in the room. Older children may have the potential to make bigger messes, but they are also old enough to have conversations and be reasoned with. And I'm not going to say I've NEVER bribed them to clean. I don't see anything wrong with that - it works.

Lol and dh is the youngest and never had to do anything. And cleans better than me and is more obsessed with the cleanliness of the house than me.

Orchid

Mon, Oct 11 2021, 11:20 am

So..you're training your kids to see you as the maid? They make a mess, and then mom swoops in and cleans in up? I can't think of a worse way to help a child grow into mature adults. At what point will they clean up their own messes? Or is the plan for your married sons to just have their wives do it all, since that's what you "modeled" (your word)?

Just FYI..in my house (and many houses), we have lots of laughter, love, time spent together reading and bonding. We ALSO happen to tell kids they have to clean up a mess they made.

Anyway, thanks for this post. I am starting to compile shidduch questions as we head into that territory and you better believe I want to know if the son pitches in or just expects mom to do it all.

Sewsew_mom

Mon, Oct 11 2021, 11:27 am

Orchid wrote:

LOL. I'm not gonna lie this went right on a shidduch list of questions 😂😂

amother

Mon, Oct 11 2021, 1:03 pm

Parenting is a personal thing. Everyone has a right to parent as they see fit (as long as you aren't abusing your kids or teaching them to be violent). Everyone has a right to marry their child off to whoever suits their fancy (with child's agreement) but guess what? I wouldn't want you to be my child's mother in law either. I asked that the thread be locked. I started this thread Bec I am going through a hard time and wanted a nice way to pass the time. I had forgotten that when parenting is involved everyone's claws come out. How ironic.

amother

Wallflower

Mon, Oct 11 2021, 1:05 pm

amother [ Bluebonnet ] wrote:

Same here. Especially know that I see that there are really people like this. No one wants their daughter to marry someone that expects her to be the live in maid. And no one wants their child to marry someone that lacks basic manners and mentchlichkeit.

I agree. The judgment and middos I have seen on this thread are way over the top. I'm pretty sure none of your kids would be redt to mine in any case (and I have my own criteria).

Sewsew_mom

Mon, Oct 11 2021, 1:52 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Sorry your going through a hard time. I hope things get sorted out fast.
In general don't post in imamother if your feeling vulnerable or dealing with stressful things, unless you need advice or help with something. People can come across rude online even when they mean no harm.