Imperforate hymen | Imamother

amother

Magenta

Tue, Jan 04 2022, 5:45 pm

amother [ PlumPink ] wrote:

Over vacation? No.
Bad enough to have to have surgery, also missing vacation is unfair.
My mom used to make our dentist appointments on midwinter as she couldn't take off work for both. It felt like the worst at that time.

If you have day trips planned, there is plenty of time to enjoy vacation. She wouldnt be "missing" it. This way she doesnt have to be worried (perhaps unnecessarily) about people talking about her - why is she missing school, etc. Of course this is a personal decision and not a big part of the matter.

amother

Jade

Tue, Jan 04 2022, 6:05 pm

Definitely agree that it can help for you to process and plan with a therapist (or a mechaneches that you trust) how to talk to her. Staying calm but not minimizing or invalidating.

Gurentee her her privacy and follow through- no reason anyone but you , her and your husband should know what’s going on. Not your mother or your best friend either. I’m always shocked when ppl disclose private information about their kids lives. ‘She needs a minor surgery’ is enough for anyone that needs to know. If they are really yentas I would say she’s having her appendix removed. She might be more comfortable telling her friends this also. Ask a rav if you’d like but I believe this is a time when it’s appropriate to bend the truth.

Physically this can feel very violating, reminding her that this is done with the utmost respect for her privacy and being appropriate etc.

It will probably be too overwhelming for her to start with a therapist while all this is going on physically but at some point in the future somatic therapy can be helpful to process this.

Also, every parent has their own hashkafa when it comes to this but mine were very indulgent when I went through hard times and I was not spoiled otherwise in any way. I went to Florida after a very stressful season where I had mono in highschool and it sticks out in my mind as something that helped me get through and past it. Thinking of little or bigger things she can look forward to can be helpful. Also things she can use to pass the time- if you don’t do eloctronics then maybe books and audiobooks, plays on a DVD player etc.

amother

Tue, Jan 04 2022, 6:13 pm

amother [ Magenta ] wrote:

I agree with every thing you say. I also really wanted to postpone till vacation but the dr today said it must be done with a day or 2 because of not it could start getting dangerous because the blood is stuck.

amother

Quince

Tue, Jan 04 2022, 6:22 pm

I would recommend calling a s*x therapist and asking what can be done to make sure your daughter is not emotionally scarred towards that area of her body when she goes into marriage. I think it's something that should be done ASAP. Like maybe right after surgery if you can, while she's healing, to start therapy.

My husband and I were talking about what we would do if it happened to our daughter, given my own experience. He said that therapy shouldn't wait until a girl who goes through that is dating or even a teenager. The experience definitely affected me as a 21 year old, and she needs to know that area should NOT just be associated with pain!

I'm recommending my s*x therapist, Pamela Klein, to ask how to go about healing your daughter emotionally - 718-395-9185.

amother

Junglegreen

Tue, Jan 04 2022, 6:30 pm

I had a microperforate hymen which I discovered 2 weeks after I got married.

My gynaecologist felt it was better to perforate the hymen than to fully remove it. It was a quick, simple procedure and the recovery was relatively easy. I was out of the hospital the same day and then stayed home for a few days after to rest. BH I really did not have very much pain at all.

My mother also had the same thing when she got married (it can be genetic) but she had a very different experience. Her hymen was completely removed and she had a much more painful recovery. It’s definitely worth discussing the different options with the gynaecologist to see what’s best for your daughter.

I can’t imagine having to deal with this at such a young age though. Let your daughter know that you are there for her and ask if she has any questions. Also pamper her as much as possible, have her favourite foods available and get a nice gift, do whatever it takes to make her feel better. It’s not easy but iyh she’ll be okay.

amother

Quince

Tue, Jan 04 2022, 6:56 pm

[quote="amother [ Junglegreen ]"]I had a microperforate hymen which I discovered 2 weeks after I got married.

My gynaecologist felt it was better to perforate the hymen than to fully remove it. It was a quick, simple procedure and the recovery was relatively easy. I was out of the hospital the same day and then stayed home for a few days after to rest. BH I really did not have very much pain at all.

But then doesn't it hurt the first few times you have s*x if you don't remove the hymen completely? So you would spare the girl some pain now so she can have it later? Or am I completely wrong about that?

I honestly have no clue - just asking because I had a different kind of abnormal hymen.

mom of 8

Tue, Jan 04 2022, 6:57 pm

My daughter had a different type of surgery for something else ..she was very nervous. The child life specialist in the hospital was great. She explained how things would go to my daughter before the surgery. And I spoke to a social worker in chai life Lin e on how to speak to her from a mother's point of view

BrisketBoss

Tue, Jan 04 2022, 6:57 pm

[quote="amother [ Quince ]"]

amother [ Junglegreen ] wrote:

But then doesn't it hurt the first few times you have s*x if you don't remove the hymen completely? So you would spare the girl some pain now so she can have it later? Or am I completely wrong about that?

I honestly have no clue - just asking because I had a different kind of abnormal hymen.

I have a hymen. I don't remember whether it hurt a little or not at all. But if it did hurt a little, I don't think it was due to the presence of a hymen. (Anyway, as I said, I don't even remember. It's not a very memorable event for me.)

amother

NeonPurple

Tue, Jan 04 2022, 7:08 pm

You mentioned that you don’t think that she would want to speak to a therapist.
That is 100% okay - you know your daughter but I would urge you to make sure that she’s aware that it’s an option to talk to someone if she wants - whenever!
Even if it’s something that she finds embarrassing (and please please please do not give her those words, she might have her only opinion on it) make sure that she is aware that although it is something that is private - it is NOT secret and she should be comfortable talking to someone if she wants to even a few years down the road.

I would also echo the idea of you talking to someone to support you with being able to talk to her about it

amother

Junglegreen

Tue, Jan 04 2022, 8:32 pm

[quote="amother [ Quince ]"]

amother [ Junglegreen ] wrote:

Yes it was actually extremely painful when DH broke the rest of it a few weeks later. I almost fainted. But the pain lasted a few minutes instead of days/weeks of painful recovery. We also preferred for it to be broken in the natural way. But it’s really a personal preference.

amother

NeonPurple

Tue, Jan 04 2022, 8:43 pm

Quote:

["amother [ Junglegreen ]"] We also preferred for it to be broken in the natural way.

Please please please
OP, do not allow things to be black and white that something is unnatural with her.
Naturally it is broken many different ways prior to marriage.
Halachically there is nothing wrong with having an non intact Hyman.
V*rginity is a social construct - and not based on a sometimes present piece of skin

amother

Powderblue

Wed, Jan 05 2022, 6:45 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Thanks so much everyone for your replies! Surgery is iyH tomorrow morning. She is SO SO nervous. How do I calm her down? How do I get her to sleep tonight? She keeps telling me she's not going to get in the car tomorrow morning to come for surgery. What do I do?

I know, it's so scary. I'd also be really scared and overwhelmed.

I will be with you the whole time until they kick me out, and then I'll be waiting for you the whole time.

Is there something special you want me to have waiting for you when you wake up?

Are there any questions you have that we can find the answers to?

Even though it's not so common a lot of girls have needed this surgery before, and maybe we can find out from them so you don't have to be so scared.

I love you and I know this is really hard for you. I'll be right here the whole time.

amother

Jade

Wed, Jan 05 2022, 8:33 pm

I don’t know if you can reach out to your doctors emergency line to get a script and go to a pharmacy still but it sounds like she can really use something to take an hour before to calm her nerves. It can really help her in the moment and how intense the memories are.

Sorry if I didn’t mention it in my last post. They aren’t quick to give it to kids but if you have a ped that’s smart and sensitive they might be willing.

amother

Powderblue

Wed, Jan 05 2022, 8:38 pm

amother [ Jade ] wrote:

Versed, right? They can usually give that in the hospital shortly before the procedure. Ask a nurse as soon as you get there.

myname1

Thu, Jan 06 2022, 4:36 am

Wow, hatzlocha! The morning, surgery, and recovery should go smoothly and successfully! Does she understand about her period and what was causing her so much pain? I'd think you could focus on that to encourage her- I know this is really hard. but B"H we found the problem, they know how to fix it, and bez"H you'll be good as new soon after. Of course empathize and be as warm and comforting as you possibly can, but it sounds like she knows she needs to do this.