Teen Dd's hair is paralyzing her

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amother

Jean

Thu, Sep 29 2022, 10:24 am

Using conditioner helps a lot with frizz. And don't brush it when dry. What happens if you dampen the hair like with a water spray bottle and then brush it into a pony? Or wear a hairband? Hairbands neaten the front of the hair and will make it look smoother.

amother

Honeysuckle

Thu, Sep 29 2022, 10:25 am

My daughter stresses about her hair too. She uses gel and mousse and brushes and smooths and does and re-does her hair every morning.
I buy any products she asks for. And these are not cheap.
But she knows that 820 she is out the door. I learned to stay very calm. Empathetic but detached. I help her with other things in the morning such as preparing her lunch or snack. If she wants to go nuts about a strand of hair I don't go along for the ride.

amother

Tanzanite

Thu, Sep 29 2022, 10:28 am

Get her a hair treatment. Pro addiction is the keratin treatment popular here. It will make the hair more manageable.

But that only takes care of the hair.

Then you have to help her deal with being ok with who she is and how she is. Also. Does she have friends?

ohmygosh

Thu, Sep 29 2022, 10:33 am

amother OP wrote:

I hear. Realistically, she'll miss the whole day (no way to get there once she's missed the bus) and then fall apart over all the work she missed, and not make any if it up because what's the point since she can't go the next day either because her hair is horrible. But I guess that's just what will happen.

Any good advice to tame basic frizz and bumps in pony tails for wavy hair? Specifically that don't take too much time, and for a girl who is sensory (she hates feeling anything gooky) and finds making a neat ponytail physically difficult.

I know this is not what you want to hear, but I think you're missing the forest for the trees.

She sounds like she is really struggling with anxiety.
The sooner you get her help, the better.
I know you said she doesn't want to see a therapist, but it sounds like she really needs it.
Hatzlacha.

amother

Firebrick

Thu, Sep 29 2022, 10:37 am

She needs a therapist even if she doesn’t want to go. You need to find someone who is amazing with teens. It’s a pity for her to suffer like this.

amother

Copper

Thu, Sep 29 2022, 10:57 am

ohmygosh wrote:

This. please see a therapist with her. Based on what you wrote, you are helping her get to school, but not helping her to learn to function independently and not helping her to learn to overcome anxiety which affects her ability to go to school and to manage stress in general. Please get support. Much hatzlacha!

amother

Smokey

Thu, Sep 29 2022, 11:04 am

Chickensoupprof wrote:

I think just explain to her that ok she is stressing about a new school and everything

This. Let her know it's ok to be stressed out. Don't make a big deal about it. The bigger deal you make ("Nobody cares what you look like, your hair looks fine, stop being so stressed out...") the more anxious she will be.

LovesHashem

Thu, Sep 29 2022, 11:17 am

ohmygosh wrote:

Agreed, also based on her comment that her daughter has sensory issues and is difficult with other areas it definitely sounds like there's something deeper at the surface. It might not be anxiety though, I think she really needs an evaluation because this could be coming from other things as well.

amother

Caramel

Thu, Sep 29 2022, 11:30 am

My gut reaction as a therapist is telling me you need to dig a bit. A 14 yr old should be perfectly adept at doing her own hair. Does she have other motor issues? Is she less coordinated? What are her social skills like?

I agree it sounds like there is both sensory and anxiety here but are those the cause or the result? I wouldn't jump to a therapist, I'd start with consulting a child development specialist and trying to pinpoint where her skills are behind her age group.

amother

Black

Thu, Sep 29 2022, 11:33 am

Her hair might actually be curly.

paperflowers

Thu, Sep 29 2022, 11:37 am

Parts of your description make me think body dysmorphic disorder, which is related to OCD. Obviously I’m not diagnosing, but it’s something to keep on your radar.

If she wouldn’t get stuck, what would she consider an appropriate amount of time to spend on her hair in the morning? How much longer than that is she actually spending fixing her hair?

While you don’t want to reinforce the dependency on you to get to school on time, you can always validate how she is feeling.

amother

Snapdragon

Thu, Sep 29 2022, 12:02 pm

That was me! My hair took over my life! Only difference is my mother definitely didn’t help me out. I was stuck with dealing with my frizzy hair on my own. I definitely woke up early every day to blow out my hair- even when I didn’t shower. I HATED my hair when it got a drop frizzy. I remember asking Hashem to help me get married so I don’t have to waste so much time with my hair.
In my days there weren’t so many good products out there.
There thing that works the most is a hair iron. Even my 9th grade daughter who has very poor fine motor skills has learned how to do her hair and use the hair iron before she leaves. Yes, she will sometimes leave before her hair is perfect and says- my hair is so bad today! No way will she risk being late and having to ask for a late note.
I would suggest buying a hair iron and telling your daughter you will only help her with her hair until succos. Also make sure to compliment her even if her hair isn’t perfect.

amother

Aubergine

Thu, Sep 29 2022, 2:43 pm

Big age difference--but my daughter is 9. She has thick, curly, frizzy, kinky hair. In theory she can make her own hair, but in realty there is just a lot of it. We can't keep it short as she'd look like a lion.

On bad hair days we do buns or braids. A few years ago buns and messy buns were very in in high school. They are easy and neat. Tell her to just put her hair in a bun and nobody will see the frizz. Teach her how and let her do it on her own.

LovesHashem

Thu, Sep 29 2022, 2:59 pm

amother Aubergine wrote:

Off topic but you should try the curly girl method. Hate to be super preachy but it changed my life and so many people I know.

I only regret finding out about it two years before I got married because I could of spent so many more years with my hair out looking so much nicer.

amother

Phlox

Thu, Sep 29 2022, 3:25 pm

Get a treatment There are so many treatments are there for curly frizzy hair that some of them just team the frizz they don’t really take your curls out . My daughter has super curly frizzy hair got a treatment this summer her hair is wavyish now . It’s Not like it used to be where if you got a treatment you at stick Strait thin hair.

amother

Magnolia

Thu, Sep 29 2022, 4:09 pm

As a mom of an anxious slightly obsessed perfectionist teen this sounds all too familiar. Get it treated or get guidance from a therapist.

Just to explain things, do I think it will all end when her hair gets perfect or she will continue obsessing about it or find another unhealthy body image obsession?

cookier

Thu, Sep 29 2022, 4:42 pm

I’m surprised no one has mentioned that clean hair is really hard to work with. If she’s washing her hair every day, she should stop. Wash it like Erev Shabbos and maybe once during the week, and use dry shampoo in between. It will be much easier to get a tight pony because it’ll have some grip.

You can also have her sleep with her hair in a loose bun so that the hair is already in a backward position, which should help it lay flatter.

And as someone who also hated bumps in my ponies and struggled with it well into middle school, she’s just going to have to practice a lot to get the dexterity/muscle memory to do it herself.

amother

Teal

Thu, Sep 29 2022, 5:11 pm

Op, today it’s her hair, next it will be something else.
This is not about her hair- she needs real help.
I have a few hs and post hs daughters. This behaviour is not typical teen stuff and the longer you’re busy with her hair, and not the real issue, the longer she will not be ok.
Figure out a way to get her to therapy- you’re the adult not her.

amother

Cyclamen

Thu, Sep 29 2022, 5:35 pm

It could be OCD. I have OCD and extremely frizzy hair and I couldn't handle if there was a little sticking out, if there were bumps, if the ponytail and the rest of my hair wasn't even, etc. And then I would have a total breakdown, crying, insisting it needs to be redone, just incapable of getting out the door. Doesn't mean that is what your daughter has, but OCD can look different than people think. If it is OCD, really therapy is the only thing that will help enough.

Another thing to look out for, even if not OCD, is whether you daughter's crying is actually a panic attack. Although there are classic symptoms of panic attacks like feeling like your dying or the world is ending or hyperventilating, panic attacks can also mimic a regular crying breakdown or throwing a fit. Your daughter might not even be aware that that's what it is. But it sounds like it could be. Again, therapy is what really helps. But there are other things you can do to help your daughter learn calm coping mechanisms in general (very difficult to apply during a panic attack without professional help, but doing them regularly not during panic attacks can sometimes help prevent them from coming on). I recommend, for panic attacks or just overwhelm/breakdown, getting a book like the one linked below and learning the practices with your daughter, and doing some a few times a day (not when she is upset), to increase her ability to cope in general.

https://www.amazon.com/Resilie.....ss_tl

There are other things she can learn as well- relaxation techniques, meditation, mindfulness practices, etc., doesn't have to be this book or its exercises. But this book helped me in general.

Also, important to note, as someone with frizzy hair, but also true for straightened hair: No amount of hair care can make frizzy hair behave every time. So trying to control her hair is likely to backfire at least part of the time and it will also just feed the underlying issue to make it worse, instead of dealing with the problem. More important to focus on helping your daughter herself than in helping her hair.

However, she may really need therapy, and being resistant is normal, you may need to coax her there and it may not be quick or simple, but don't give up on trying to convince her just because she says she won't. It is for her and your benefit to keep trying.

amother

Eggshell

Thu, Sep 29 2022, 5:43 pm

If she tends towards anxiety, perfectionism or ocd then this is just another manifestation. There will always be something to obsess over and it needs to be treated at the root. Therapy can help, or maybe something like cbd gummies, Bach remedies, or l theanine

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