Save me from the Gimmes!

mimivan

Thu, May 22 2008, 5:29 am

Buy me this, get me that...Ugh!
And I don't think we spoil or deprive ds...
I learned in a class that they are just fantasizing alot of the time and not to take all their statements seriously as requests...but what am I supposed to say?
I kind of let him ramble about stuff he wants, but feel bad about not really having a response...we can't afford much extra stuff.

He also does this davka when I'm busy, which means it is attention he wants at that moment, not the jeep, plane, helicopter etc...but I still don't quite have a good response...
I don't want to say no, no, no or bli neder bli neder bli neder, or oh how interesting ( Confused

tried that one...kinda weird...oh you want that, that's interesting...kind of awkward)

any suggestions?

mandksima

Thu, May 22 2008, 6:05 am

my kids ask me for prizes and presents all of the time too! The grandparents are generous and usually send a DVD or a toy in the mail or when they come. I get them something for their birthday and small prizes for incentives to behave. It adds up and can really expensive. For my DD, I can get away with buying a tiny notepad and pretty pencil but anything I buy for my DS is junky for that price and he gets upset that it doesn't last past a day. I started making them stuff (macabee sword and shield - okay he has a violent nature and he needs an outlet and every mom may not like that). I made my DD a dollhouse out of cardboard. Okay, I have lots of time because I'm not working but at least the kids understand we don't BUY everything. My DD understands the concept of a bank and how we can't just take out all the cash we want. I also make doll clothes for my DD but there isn't much that I've come up with for DS, although sometimes I'll make dress up clothes for times other than Purim. They do plays together in the house sometimes and love to dress up.

If you tell me things he likes, I can maybe come up with cheap things to make if you want to get creative.

I agree with Grin though, making a list will give them something to look forward to with understanding that they won't get it NOW.

greentiger

Thu, May 22 2008, 6:22 am

mimivan wrote:

he can't write yet, but I could make the list for him (or it could be a way I could divert him by teaching him to write!) He's about the age to start learning. that's of course if I manage to have two hands free sometimes!

How about a list with little pictures if he can draw..? If not he could cut little picture out of a magazine of everything he wants and stick it on one page. LOL

gryp

Thu, May 22 2008, 9:26 am

I tell mine to ask Hashem! Smile

Or I change the topic a bit by talking to him about how neat it would be to do whatever he wants, and we act out what we would do if we were driving an airplane or helicopter or whatever.

Truth is, he doesn't ask for things that often, but when he shows that feeling of entitlement to whatever he decides on, it bothers me because it's not a good middah and I've seen kids go way overboard with it.

mandksima

Thu, May 22 2008, 9:33 am

After Peasch, my DS decided that he MUST have a staff that turns into a snake (but the snake doesn't have to be real) like Moshe Rabbeinu. Hmmmm...I told him only Hashem can make that and he'd have to be a tzaddik like Moshe. So he asked if he does lots and lots of mitzvot and no aveirot, will Hashem give him one??? I told him there's always a chance but it is very hard to be a big tzaddik like Moshe and it might take a long time to get to that level but lets start practicing right away. Do you think I can milk this for as long as possible???

Tamiri

Thu, May 22 2008, 9:41 am

Mimi I don't know how old your "Gimmee" son is. I imagine he does not watch TV which is a major source of gimmee inspiration. Correct? Mine is 3.5 and would not know to ask. If we go to a place like Toys R Us (maybe once or twice in his life) he knows to look, but we aren't buying. If yours is around that age, how does he know to ask? Is he being exposed to too many things?
I feel very comfortable saying "no" to my kids. It's liberating. I don't feel guilty. If I am good enough to be a parent, then my nos are for good reason. They have to trust me on that (of course they argue etc.).
We made a mistake with #1 and bought him a lot of things. Too many. We learned by the time he was 3-4 to just say no and life was much easier.
There are traditional occasions for gifts: Chanuka, afikoman and birthday. It's very easy to stick with those and just say no all the other times. Makes the gifts more special.
Giving gifts do not say "I love you". Saying no when you need to - and sticking to it, thereby teaching your child proper chinuch - says "I love you" loud and clear.

mimivan

Thu, May 22 2008, 6:40 pm

Tamiri wrote:

He knows to ask, because we had some issues with him of various kinds, and we used gifts as positive reinforcements for going a week without hitting in gan etc..(this was suggested by a social worker at the gan)

also, I give rewards for learning. I'm a big believer in this...but I think...with the other kids, rewards for learning will take the form of a nice cake or something I can cook or some ice cream rather than a new toy...

So he says "If I'm a good boy buy me, give me..." and it is constant...now I have to explain he should be a good boy without having to have new stuff all the time. This social worker sounded like she had a good plan at the time, but man...it's gotten out of hand (he's 5)

about the learning, a Rav did stress the imporance of constant positive reinforcement...but he suggested little parties (balloons, cakes, etc...)