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Forum
-> Parenting our children
-> School age children
amother
OP
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Sun, Jan 22 2023, 9:45 pm
Don't know how this derailed so badly.
I gave her a small, basic picture (when you get older, every month, a small amount of blood will come out etc). and she burst into tears and said I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT INAPPROPRIATE THINGS WITH YOU. Asked me to leave the room and never talk about it again. I didn't get more than a few sentences out before she erupted and there's still a lot more that she needs to know (eventually). She is 10 1/2.
She is otherwise a happy, well-adjusted child.
Feeling devastated - not for me, but for her. Help.
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BrisketBoss
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Sun, Jan 22 2023, 9:47 pm
Sorry. That makes me sad. I wonder what messages she has been receiving from friends and teachers.
I think I read a comment here from someone who grew up knowing (I say 'knowing' but you know what I mean) it was not tznius to discuss periods with your friends. That does make it sound like the topic is inappropriate.
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NotInNJMommy
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Sun, Jan 22 2023, 9:50 pm
Maybe she’s PMSing but no one knows it yet?
Is there a book you’d be comfortable giving her to read to cover basic info that she needs to understand her body and personal hygiene?
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amother
Ebony
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Sun, Jan 22 2023, 9:51 pm
Ouch. Maybe try giving her the book, The wonder of becoming you. And let her know you're available for questions.
Also, maybe you can try another angle and change the order, start with hormones, maturing the egg, and don't mention bleeding until the end.
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giftedmom
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Sun, Jan 22 2023, 9:52 pm
A. That may just be her reaction and shock to the news. She’ll be okay. You’re just a safe person to dump on.
B. What is the general culture in your home regarding sensitive topics? Have you have ever had the safe touch conversation with her? Do you ever talk about private stuff when needed such as when a child’s body goes through changes or a child has a rash, pain, etc? In their privates? Is there a sense of shame surrounding these matters?
C. Does your child have anxiety/ocd or is otherwise neurodivergent?
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amother
OP
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Sun, Jan 22 2023, 9:52 pm
NotInNJMommy wrote: | Maybe she’s PMSing but no one knows it yet?
Is there a book you’d be comfortable giving her to read to cover basic info that she needs to understand her body and personal hygiene? |
I really doubt it. She's physically tiny. I myself got my period at 14.
I think she just has a complex about so-called "inappropriate" topics. It's not from my husband and I. I guess it's from friends or whatever. I don't think it's from the school either.
I guess I can buy her a book and ask her to read it. I can see her refusing to do so.
I'm really so sad. Like I'm in actual tears that this was her reaction.
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amother
Maroon
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Sun, Jan 22 2023, 9:52 pm
amother Ebony wrote: | Ouch. Maybe try giving her the book, The wonder of becoming you. And let her know you're available for questions. |
Yep. Leave it on her bed or desk with a post it.
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amother
Gardenia
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Sun, Jan 22 2023, 9:52 pm
I gave my dds the book the wonder of becoming you and told them to ask me questions after they read it. It worked great. Maybe hand her the book and let her know you’re available if she has any questions.
Her reaction does seem extreme though. I wonder if a friend said something to her?
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amother
Yolk
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Sun, Jan 22 2023, 9:53 pm
Definitely give her a book she can read on her own. Someone posted on this site abt a book written in question and answer form. I forgot what it's called but I got it for my dd. It is small, pink, and written well. Tell her to read it and she can ask you any questions whenever she wants.
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amother
Leaf
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Sun, Jan 22 2023, 9:54 pm
If she didn’t start puberty maybe give her more time to mature. It can be more traumatic forcing the information on her.
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amother
Calendula
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Sun, Jan 22 2023, 9:55 pm
Write her a note telling her you're sorry, and that all mothers discuss this with their daughters. It's part of growing up. Tell her you're glad she knows not to discuss inappropriate topics with just anyone, but a mother does discuss these things with her daughter as they're important for her to know.
And I agree, the book sounds like a good idea.
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amother
Calendula
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Sun, Jan 22 2023, 9:56 pm
amother Leaf wrote: | If she didn’t start puberty maybe give her more time to mature. It can more traumatic forcing the information on her. |
It depends if she started showing signs of development already. OP may not have much time to inform her.
ETA I see that OP wrote she's still tiny.
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amother
OP
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Sun, Jan 22 2023, 9:56 pm
giftedmom wrote: | A. That may just be her reaction and shock to the news. She’ll be okay. You’re just a safe person to dump on.
B. What is the general culture in your home regarding sensitive topics? Have you have ever had the safe touch conversation with her? Do you ever talk about private stuff when needed such as when a child’s body goes through changes or a child has a rash, pain, etc? In their privates? Is there a sense of shame surrounding these matters?
C. Does your child have anxiety/ocd or is otherwise neurodivergent? |
I think our general culture at home is very accepting. No shame - just matter of fact.
She probably has some anxiety.
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amother
Leaf
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Sun, Jan 22 2023, 9:57 pm
amother Calendula wrote: | It depends if she started showing signs of development already. OP may not have much time to inform her. |
Puberty is development. That’s what I said. If she didn’t start anything.
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amother
OP
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Sun, Jan 22 2023, 9:57 pm
If I can do it all over again, I'd just give her the book and tell her I'm open to discuss after she reads it.
Now with this visceral reaction, I'm afraid she won't read the book.
PS- I do think we have plenty of time.
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amother
Calendula
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Sun, Jan 22 2023, 9:59 pm
amother OP wrote: | If I can do it all over again, I'd just give her the book and tell her I'm open to discuss after she reads it.
Now with this visceral reaction, I'm afraid she won't read the book.
PS- I do think we have plenty of time. |
So you can give her a few months before you try again with the book, if you don't think she'll be traumatized by incomplete information. Honestly she sounds not ready for the topic, though.
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giftedmom
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Sun, Jan 22 2023, 10:00 pm
amother OP wrote: | I think our general culture at home is very accepting. No shame - just matter of fact.
She probably has some anxiety. |
Anxiety can be exacerbated by the onset of puberty. It may be wise to get her some help to get her through these changes.
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amother
Starflower
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Sun, Jan 22 2023, 10:01 pm
amother Leaf wrote: | If she didn’t start puberty maybe give her more time to mature. It can be more traumatic forcing the information on her. |
I agree. I remember when I first brought up the idea of shaving her legs to my dd and she was horrified and furious with me. A few months later she came to me and asked me if she can start shaving her legs.
Some kids just need a little more time to be ready for sensitive topics or topics that seem foreign to them. Give her a few months and try again. If she's only 10.5 you probably have the time to wait.
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amother
Narcissus
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Sun, Jan 22 2023, 10:03 pm
Can it be she is too young? If she has 4 more years until her period why did you need to tell her now? My mom told me at 10 bc she got it then.
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amother
OP
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Sun, Jan 22 2023, 10:03 pm
amother Calendula wrote: | So you can give her a few months before you try again with the book, if you don't think she'll be traumatized by incomplete information. Honestly she sounds not ready for the topic, though. |
She is generally very mature, thoughtful and sensitive. Example: a teacher needed help getting a somewhat socially-off girl accepted into the general group, and would enlist my daughter to help, since she's well-liked, mature, sensitive and friendly.
But I guess there were some undercurrents that I never thought would manifest itself in this way. A) the slight anxiety, and B) ideas about tznius that are not in-line with our family's hashkafa. It all kind of blew up on both of us tonight.
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