Advice for Chutzpah

amother

Orchid

Mon, Feb 27 2023, 3:58 pm

#BestBubby wrote:

You can put a lock on the outside of the door - like a hook lock.

Or you can do a different consequence like take away favorite toy, no dessert

Locking a kid in their room as a punishment is abusive.

BrisketBoss

Mon, Feb 27 2023, 4:01 pm

amother Orchid wrote:

Locking a kid in their room as a punishment is abusive.

Agreed. They've found time outs look the same in the brain as spanking.

Which doesn't mean you're horrible if you've done either of these things. Just means it's time to change your strategy.

amother

Calendula

Mon, Feb 27 2023, 4:11 pm

amother Orchid wrote:

Locking a kid in their room as a punishment is abusive.

I was locked in my room as a kid. It's degrading, abusive, and enraging and will teach your kid nothing about menchlichkeit and everything about how to hate you.

amother

IndianRed

Mon, Feb 27 2023, 4:36 pm

amother Ebony wrote:

My 6 yr old also recently started. I ignore it. No reaction whatsoever. He's looking for that reaction and if I don't give one he realizes he won't get the attention that way. When he speaks nicely and calmly then I'll react extremely positively.

This is one of the greatest principals in behavior. If you can integrate it into chinuch you will be very lucky. I learned this from a top psychologist when I was still in high school and going to work in special needs camp. It has helped me so much in life. It's not easy to do because you're tempted to give your kid mussar and scream at them but it ends up being a vicious cycle. Sorry but 6 year olds and even 12 year olds aren't interested in hearing about respectful speech bla bla bla. When you react positively to their positive behavior they get the message.

amother

IndianRed

Mon, Feb 27 2023, 4:38 pm

#BestBubby wrote:

You can put a lock on the outside of the door - like a hook lock.

Or you can do a different consequence like take away favorite toy, no dessert

Never, ever do this!! Worst advice ever.

Please parents learn how to ignore negative behavior. A 6 year old doesn't need punishments. Ignoring is enough.

#BestBubby

Mon, Feb 27 2023, 5:15 pm

Ignore a 6 y.o. calling you stupid,

and in 6 years you may come here crying your 12 y.o. is cursing you out, telling you to drop dead

and in 20 years probably screaming abuse at his wife, may end up divorced.

The modern parenting experts are so wonderful, that is why there is a 50% divorce rate.

But don't teach your kids to act like mentchen....

amother

IndianRed

Mon, Feb 27 2023, 5:29 pm

#BestBubby wrote:

You wouldn't know that it works unless you tried it. It's the hardest thing to do but if you ignore negative behavior - as in not giving attention to a child who is misbehaving - your child will quickly learn that to get praise, attention and reward when you do good things. No, they don't learn to be more chutzpadik, they learn to be more respectful and kind.

My youngest child is 11, and B"H my children are respectful at home and at school. Are they perfect? No. But we count our blessings every day.

spikta

Tue, Feb 28 2023, 5:09 am

It's 10PM, the kids are all finally in bed, you've just settled down to eat dinner and talk to DH, when there's a knock on the door. It's your neighbor, who strides into your living room and demands that you immediately pay him the 500$ you owe him for fixing the fence.
- Huh? What 500$? What fence? What are you talking about??
- Haven't you seen that I've had workers here over the past week, fixing up the fence between our yards? What, did you think I'd do it for free?! Stop being so greedy and pay up!

Imagine how you'd feel in such a situation. You'd probably be pretty annoyed that your neighbor barged in on you when you were in the middle of something, made demands for something he'd never even discussed with you and got angry with you for something that feels completely unjustified.

That's how your kid feels if you walk up to him when he's in the middle of something and demand that they drop everything and help. The "what am I, your slave??" response is probably pretty similar to what you'd say to your neighbor in the above story.

This isn't to say that you shouldn't ask your child to help. Absolutely not. Giving children the chance to contribute to their family is wonderful. It teaches them life skills, makes them feel like a valued member of the household, and makes your life easier.
Just like it would be totally legit for your neighbor to ask you for the 500$ if you had discussed it in advance, you need to prepare DC in advance and set up expectations, so your request isn't coming out of nowhere.

During a calm time you explain to DC that running a house requires a lot of work, and that you spend many hours making food, cleaning, driving the kids places, buying things for them, etc. Little children are free to play and not have to think about these things, but now that they're getting older and more mature, you'd like for them to start contributing to the family. You can agree on certain chores that they can do, jobs they're responsible for, times they're free to help you... whatever makes your life easier. This should be a two sided conversation, not you making demands. Come to the conversation assuming that children want to contribute(!). They want to be important and valued and they want to help, because they love you. This isn't something you need to command them to do. You just need to help them figure out *how* to do it.
When chores are planned in advance, and your child knows that after lunch they need to clear the table, and they know that you'll remind them, it won't be an interruption, and they're much less likely to respond to your request with chutzpa.

You can also talk specifically about ad hoc requests for help. It really is annoying to be interrupted, so keep that in mind when making a request. Just like you don't like it when your neighbor barges into your house without warning, don't do that to your kid. Take an extra 15 seconds to say - DC, I see that you're in the middle of a game and I know it's annoying to be interrupted. I really need your help with X, could you please take a 5 minute break and help me? Do you see what a world of difference there is between that and hollering "DC!! Come clean up!!" from the other room? Set your child up for success in the non-chutzpa department by making requests in an empathetic way.

WhatFor

Tue, Feb 28 2023, 5:53 am

Op, the book the Explosive Child is good for these types of situations. You don't need an actual "explosive" child for the tips to work.

Bnei Berak 10

Tue, Feb 28 2023, 7:18 am

amother OP wrote:

What what if he comes out of his room a minute later?

Watch Supernanny. She's great!

BrisketBoss

Tue, Feb 28 2023, 9:16 am

WhatFor wrote:

Op, the book the Explosive Child is good for these types of situations. You don't need an actual "explosive" child for the tips to work.

And he has another good book geared to parents of more typical children, "Raising Human Beings." I read both.

asmileaday

Tue, Feb 28 2023, 10:59 am

I like reading parenting books.
Even if I can't implement exactly what they write or the situation doesn't quite match the one in the book I feel it changes my frame of mind and I react better.
Some books I really gained from:
No drama discipline
The whole brain child
Good inside
The explosive child

I also find that rephrasing what they're saying and doing so with a smile and a gentle tone makes a big difference.
For example if my child says "you must give me milk right now! " I'll smile and gently say "Mommy, can I please have milk I'm really thirsty" eventually it penetrates.
I rarely ever have to tell my kids that's chutzpa. I don't find it beneficial. Find the underlying cause of what's frustrating them and repeat it back to them to show you understand their difficulty.
I will remind them to use a respectful tone if necessary (what you mention you strengthen so tell them what yes to do, not what they should not do. For example "use a respectful tone vs don't be chutzpadig").

The above were all things I did when my kids were younger (and still do) and b"h my kids, teens now, are generally very respectful to us and to everyone around them.

asmileaday

Tue, Feb 28 2023, 11:04 am

HeartyAppetite wrote:

How would you respond when I ask him to do something and he says I’m not your slave! Or your always bothering me!

Read the book good inside by Dr. Becky Kennedy. I think it will give you good perspective.

Also find the time to build a positive connection with him at different times. Play games with him 1 on 1. Take him out for dessert. Create warm memories between just the 2 of you. It makes an impact in the way they interact with you at other times.
Good luck!

https://instagram.com/drbeckya.....0NWM=