I feel like I'm not cut out for motherhood

amother

cornflower

Fri, Apr 28 2023, 11:47 am

Like the previous poster I'm wondering if it's more of an issue of not being able to be present. Constantly needing to be distracted via a book or something else.

I love kids and have the same problem as you. I know that it's an issue of me not being so regulated.

amother

Winterberry

Fri, Apr 28 2023, 11:52 am

amother Burlywood wrote:

Sigh.
We live in a society where presence and connection to oneself is the greatest challenge. And that is a prerequisite to connecting with our children.
Although I can totally relate to OP, I don't find it validating that there are so many of us in the same boat. But, I also don't beat myself up for it. It is what it is, and I accept that, while also working on inner healing. I can clearly see that on days I gave myself all the compassion and love I deserve, I automatically find that I have more patience with my kids.
It also helps me if I view my kids as little human beings, who depend on me to fill their needs, rather than me raising kids to grow up healthy. Not to see them as "my project". I just try my best not to hinder their growth, if that makes sense.

What I meant by validating is that we need to let go of perfect.

Being a good parent is good enough, infinitely better than not having kids at all.
I disagree that it’s all about healing and trauma, I’m a healthy person bh and that’s not the issue.
Raising kids is a demanding task and we should cheer ourselves on.

amother

Clover

Fri, Apr 28 2023, 12:01 pm

giftedmom wrote:

Seems like you’re just really overwhelmed

Not really the crux of the issue, Op wrote:

"Even when they are in good moods, I''m finished after 10 minutes, and I don't like playing with them. I love them so fiercely but I just don't like spending time with them. Even when it's calm, I'd prefer to do laundry or clean than play with them."

That's more than just being overwhelmed.

#BestBubby

Fri, Apr 28 2023, 12:16 pm

amother Clover wrote:

Parents prefer different ages.

Some love babies and preschoolers.

Some enjoy older children more.

OP's kids are baby to - 6 years.

amother

Burlywood

Fri, Apr 28 2023, 12:24 pm

amother Winterberry wrote:

We can agree to disagree.
I agree with your last sentence. And I definitely agree that we should let go of perfect.
That being said, based on OP, this is an issue with being present. Not having patience to our kids, and rather wanting to do chores, that to me is an indicator of trauma (not necessarily due to any major traumatic events). It's an escape from having to practice presence and connection.
Acknowledging that, being aware and willingness to heal is an act of kindness to ourselves. This does not mean were striving for perfection.
We can cheer ourselves on when we make mistakes, or when we work hard and are stressed out. But this is a core issue and the brave thing is to take responsibility for that, not in a shaming, blaming, guilty way, but with compassion.

613mitzvahgirl

Fri, Apr 28 2023, 1:59 pm

Maybe ask a Rav to speak your husband about helping you.. you’re obviously stressed and it’s understandable.. if this doesn’t work, ask some responsible girls in your neighborhood.. they gave chesed hours.. this is exactly what it’s for.. Hatzlocha Rabba