DS10 has very poor boundaries

amother

Wed, May 03 2023, 9:14 pm

How can I teach boundaries to my son who just doesn’t get it?
We have TONS of boundaries at home. No phones, no computer unless supervised for school, modesty boundaries you name it we have set the boundaries clearly and there are consequences for when it’s violated.

He goes through my purse, sneaks in to my closet. Looks to try to figure out my phone passcode, goes through grandparent’s kitchen cabinets. He is an insatiably curious kid but he is infuriating. Just found out on a playdate he read a family members emails. The list is endless.
So he hasn’t been allowed to go to friends houses anymore.

Anyone have experience, wisdom?
I think we have very good role modeling in this area (other ways in parenting we can improve).
At a loss

amother

Broom

Wed, May 03 2023, 11:20 pm

I wouldn’t say it’s too many restrictions, as much as I tell my kid also keeps crossing boundaries and he doesn’t get it. I don’t give consequences, maybe that’s my problem. But he never took consequences either in the past. Some kids get it and some don’t, the ones that get it you don’t have to keep telling. My son does have sensory issues and some spectrum behaviors. So not sure if it’s related. Like he isn’t processing what I’m telling him. So I get you and it’s very frustrating, he also gets physical with me and uses his hands. And he’s way older. If someone doesn’t have such a child they just don’t get it. I can see from your post it sounds like restrictions, but it’s just basic social interactions that other people just get it but he doesn’t. I see how friends can tell their kid to stop doing something and their kids are just compliant while mine that approach doesn’t work. I don’t have answers and keep reminding. Lately he just came laughing at me when I told him he crossed a boundary, that he doesn’t know what a boundary even means that I’ve been telling him. I’m hoping he will still learn as he disregards what I say and isn’t getting it.

amother

Thu, May 04 2023, 2:09 am

mommy3b2c wrote:

Sounds like you are pretty dysfunctional and emotionally neglectful/abusive to be honest . Maybe I’m not understanding correctly.

Wow there are strong words.
I’m looking to improve as a mother and would not think of myself this way.
Can you please explain?

Re: too many restrictions, some of these happened as a result of losing trust. We used to step away from the computer but he’d download programs without permission or use our credit card to buy something etc.

I’m scared to send him on playdates because he couple potentially use computers in a way he shouldn’t.

amother

Hosta

Thu, May 04 2023, 4:17 am

Instead of stating the boundaries and consequences, perhaps try to have an elaborate conversation with him.

Explain why these things are not acceptable and what he thinks about it.

He sounds socially off in some ways but could do well with a therapist who could teach him social cues.

amother

Ginger

Thu, May 04 2023, 4:34 am

amother OP wrote:

This sound extreme for a 10 year old. I would do a couple of things:
1. Consult with an educational expert - I only know of Rabbi Brezak as we consulted with him and I thought he was excellent. Was definitely worth it. I do think professional advice is needed here. You need to understand why he has a such a great need to do these things. He also needs to learn the difference between breaking a rule and doing something illegal. But first and foremost you need to figure out how to join his team so you can work together.
2. Have him evaluated. A diagnosis may also help you understand him better.

amother

Ginger

Thu, May 04 2023, 5:15 am

mommy3b2c wrote:

Sounds like you are pretty dysfunctional and emotionally neglectful/abusive to be honest . Maybe I’m not understanding correctly.

Your comment is really hurtful, there are ways to give advice without being mean. I must admit that I'm pretty surprised that you've posted with your screen name.

DrMom

Thu, May 04 2023, 5:21 am

amother Ginger wrote:

Your comment is really hurtful, there are ways to give advice without being mean. I must admit that I'm pretty surprised that you've posted with your screen name.

Why wouldn't she post with her screen name? It would be an abuse of amother otherwise -- she is not posting any personal info.

imasinger

Thu, May 04 2023, 6:24 am

People generally don't perform well when surrounded by too many rules and consequences -- especially if they can't see the benefits of the rules, and the reward for breaking them outweighs the reward for keeping them.

You might need some help planning a more positive approach, focusing more on rewards than consequences. You don't want DS to reach the mindset where he figures he's just going to fail at making you satisfied anyway, so he'll do whatever interests him in the moment. And if he's already reached that, you'll want to change it.

I'm fond of the Nurtured Heart Approach but many parenting classes offer good strategies. You might want to look into finding one that sounds good to you.

amother

Oldlace

Thu, May 04 2023, 6:32 am

amother OP wrote:

The actual “boundaries” you mention here are no phones which I assume means no personal cell phones for kids, no unsupervised screen time, and tznius rules. All of these are typical for a yeshivish family.

Your usage of the words boundaries and restrictions seems excessive but I will assume you’re trying to match the kinds of words often used on this forum.

It sounds like your son has some sensory seeking behaviors and lacks social skills.

DrMom

Thu, May 04 2023, 6:50 am

amother Oldlace wrote:

It's hard to figure out exactly what is going on.

On one hand, I also didn't think the rules themselves sounded so unreasonable.

On the other hand, the phrasing

Quote:

we have set the boundaries clearly and there are consequences for when it’s violated

sounds very rigid and authoritarian.

On the other hand (too many hands!), reading friend's parents' email, snooping in your parents' closets, stealing passwords, etc. it totally unacceptable. What is he looking for?

amother

Thu, May 04 2023, 7:54 am

I meant to be clear in my OP that we aren’t wishy washy with boundaries and expectations. So it shouldn’t be a surprise for him that the choices he makes are unacceptable. I don’t feel kids at age 10 should have smart phones and I’m not yeshivish/chassidish.

What is he looking for?
In my purse and in grandparents cabinets he’s looking for sugary snacks. On someone else’s email? No clue. He really really wants a smart phone and is driven by this urge.

I agree his social boundaries are poor. He has started counseling but isn’t saying anything in the sessions but it’s early days. We live a long walk from other Frum families and he has very few friends.

amother

Burgundy

Thu, May 04 2023, 8:32 am

amother OP wrote:

He Sounds compulsive. This is different from impulsive.