Chinuch experts- please weigh in

amother

Khaki

Sun, May 14 2023, 9:32 am

I wouldn't get involved between dh and ds. Let them have their own relationship dynamics while you have yours. He's the father, let him do what feels right to him.
Do I think it's the right thing? No I would not give ny child silent treatment. It's extremely hurtful.
I will tell you that I have a 16 yr old who a few years back tried to physically assault dh for something as stupid as a slice of pizza. Dh had a hurt arm at the time and understood where this was going and what he had to do. He quickly grabbed my son in self defense and wrestled him down holding him to the ground yelling at him not to ever try that on him, especially not when he knows he has an injured arm. My son was angry but you bet he never tried that again or anything like it. He actually started to respect dh like never before and their relationship has only flourished.
So if my son tried to hurt me, I wouldn't think to take him down first. Let the dads take care of their sons the way they know how.
And if it's truly wrong, the therapist you go to will let dh know that. But I would not get in between. There's nothing worse than being stuck in a triangular relationship, pulled by both sides.

amother

Jade

Sun, May 14 2023, 10:13 am

Ignoring is definitely not the right way to deal with it. Boundaries, yes and that is a must. There is no way that your dh should have let this slide by with a smile.

As another poster said, it's possible that from your end it's best to stay out of it and let your dh deal with it. On the other hand if your DH is ready to do what's right now matter what.. even if it feels uncomfortable then I'd contact a professional like avi fishoff and ask him how to proceed in this situation where he's right now.

amother

Tan

Sun, May 14 2023, 10:17 am

Op, this is tough. I am sorry. But heres my honest opinion.

Silent treatment is abuse plain and simple. Sorry.

This is symptomatic of a larger lack of communication.

Why are you even asking about his tefillin in the first place? Leave it alone.

amother

Green

Sun, May 14 2023, 10:43 am

Don’t ask about his tefillin at all OP. His spirituality is not your business. I was a teen who struggled spiritually and it was like nails on a chalkboard each time one of my parents told me to do something spiritual. It made my behavior and emotions a hundred times worse.

Ignoring is never the right move. It’s an immature way to deal with conflict. You want to be modeling healthy communication for your son and this is not it.

amother

Sun, May 14 2023, 11:21 am

amother Cerise wrote:

You say you've down twisted parenting - then you shouldn't be ignoring him and mentioning tefillin. You need to stick with a method to see results. It's a good method.

We did stick with it. He was doing well for a while.
This past year he slid back and is doing worse than ever.

gottago

Sun, May 14 2023, 11:48 am

Does DH have a plan for him to go back to having a relationship with DS? Does DS know about that plan? If yes, then I can see this as a way to get your son to take ownership of the fact that his explosion caused a rift in this relationship. If not. It's not teaching him anything.

amother

Sun, May 14 2023, 12:13 pm

amother Firethorn wrote:

Stop asking about tefillin and benching, even in a calm voice. He's not dumb, he knows about it, and you asking is not gonna inspire him to do it

That’s really not the issue here and I wasn’t asking for advice on his spiritual decline.

How can you explain that it is not okay to gently mention tefillin sometimes but it is okay to suggest that he apologizes to dh?

giftedmom

Sun, May 14 2023, 12:50 pm

Physical aggression is a big red line IMHO. Especially coming from someone with the physical strength of an adult. All things aside, physical aggression is not okay and should not be tolerated. You can be next. One of your other kids can be next. It doesn’t matter why. It is not okay and should not be tolerated.

behappy2

Sun, May 14 2023, 1:30 pm

amother OP wrote:

One is crossing a boundary (his spiritual boundary) and one is setting a boundary (of having a safe home)

ValleyMom

Sun, May 14 2023, 3:00 pm

Give him a pad of paper and a pen and tell him to write an apology to his Dad.
Sometimes when kids are so defiant they cannot verbalize an apology- ask him to write about his feelings on paper.

amother

Sage

Sun, May 14 2023, 5:29 pm

Stay out of it. This is between your dh and ds. We women don't always know better and bossing your dh is just going to cause a rift between the two of you, which is the last thing you need now.
Men have their own language and oftentimes fathers get through to their sons that way.

amother

Hibiscus

Mon, May 15 2023, 10:46 pm

This is a very difficult question. Your husband was disrespected and it is difficult to deal with the chutzpah. Your son is obviously in immense pain and perhaps feels that his getting ignored is just showing that people do not understand him. I feel for both your husband and son. The question of whether ignoring is right or wrong is it working. Has it created the situation that your son has now come to the realization that he was wrong. Was there something that occurred that caused your son to throw an item and therefore the situation is getting exasperated because of the ignoring. These situations need someone who knows the in and outs of your family or a therapist to help you help your son. Much Hatzlacha

amother

Bottlebrush

Tue, May 16 2023, 4:35 am

OP, you're asking us to tell you what to do, which is the same dynamic of what you're dealing with in a way. There's too much control and power being given to the wrong side, if you get what I mean. You're asking us what you should do. You are the one that should be figuring this out. All we can do is help you see your situation more clearly.