S/o messy house - should I not have any guests?

zaq

Sun, May 21 2023, 10:37 am

OP are you neat on the outside? If your outside matches your house, then people already know you're not neat, and I would invite. If they find even so that your house is too dirty for their taste, they don't have to come again. OTOH if you're one of those people who can put themselves together and look great when they leave the house but the house is a disaster zone, I would invite only people who are themselves messy. It would be too much of a shock for other people, who would expect cleanliness based on your public appearance.

You sound like a really nice person who sincerely wants to have guests. How about you, together with your whole family, make a heroic effort to clean the parts of the house that guests would see? Kitchen, dining/living room and bathroom? The rest of the house can remain a churban. At least hide the worst of the mess. Dump things into closets or drawers or get some bins or boxes, even if it's just cartons from the liquor store. Throw in everything you don't want people to see as well as anything unnecessary to have around like decorative doodads that just make it harder to clean the surfaces on which they stand. It's ok if the place ends up looking like you're about to move. You're not going for "tastefully decorated" now, just "clean enough to sustain life."

Next, clean what's left, starting from the top and working your way down so you don't mess up freshly cleaned floors with junk from higher surfaces.

The process might take a few days if the situation is as bad as you describe. I wouldn't worry about stains at this point, just get stuff clean and sanitary. That means:

1. Kitchen: Clean all food prep and consumption surfaces: sink, stove, fridge (at least the outside), counters, table. If there are obvious splatters of food on walls or cabinet doors, get rid of those, too. Clean off whatever surface you use to drain dishes: counter, mat or tray.

2. VERY IMPORTANT: Wash dishes, silverware and serveware unless you're going to use disposables, ( in which case you can hide the dirty stuff in cartons, though I don't recommend that. ) Use scrub pads, detergent, and the hottest possible water. Soak them first in water to soften any dried gunk. Get dishwashing gloves because they let you use hotter water, which cleans better. Dawn detergent seems to remove grease better than other brands. Greasy plastic needs to be washed twice with detergent, even with Dawn. Sometimes even three times. Trust me on this. After washing, check to see that no grease or food particles remain. Re-wash if they do.

Sweep or vacuum, then mop floor. Protect the clean floor with newspaper if you're going to cook afterwards, then throw out the paper.

3. Bathroom: Wipe down toilet seat and outside of bowl, scrub inside bowl. Use soap, baking soda or scouring powder inside the bowl. Use bleach to remove stains unless they're from rust, in which case pour in a bottle of Coca Cola , regular or diet, brand name or generic, and let set for an hour. Scrub and flush. Do NOT mix with bleach. Wipe down sink and counter, also faucets while you're at it . Takes only seconds more.
Take a rag or tissue or something and wipe firmly around the base of the faucets and the drain. See all that brown or black gunk? Sweep or vacuum and then mop floor.

4: Dining/living room: Clean table as above. Remove obvious gunk and crumbs from chair seats and backs, also couch and coffee table. Remove couch cushions, shake off whatever's on them, replace. Sweep, carpet sweep or vacuum floor, them mop
if needed.

Launder tablecloth or replace it with a clean flat sheet; if you use a plastic protector, wipe it down with a clean cloth soaked in a little diluted vinegar to cut grease.

2. Empty out the kitchen and bathroom trash cans. Replace hand towels and dishtowels with clean, dry ones.

Extra credit: either put toys away in another room, corral in a box or basket, or pile together in an inconspicuous corner. If leaving in the living room, remove any toys or books with obvious crud stuck to them.

Extra extra credit after you've done all of the above: consider dusting surfaces like bookcase shelves and windowsills. Normally this should be done before the floors, but in this case it's a refinement that can be omitted. You're doing emergency cleaning here to make the place presentable.

This should be enough to satisfy most guests except those with military standards of order and cleanliness.
Enjoy your guests!

.

amother

cornflower

Sun, May 21 2023, 10:38 am

While on the topic, thought I'd mention that even if a house is pristine, if the hostess tastes the food and puts the fork/spoon back into the food, to double taste or whatever, it is way worse than a messy and dusty but hygienic home.

amother

Nasturtium

Sun, May 21 2023, 10:45 am

amother cornflower wrote:

Absolutely!!
I was at asimcha the other night and my sil who is quite a meticulous homemaker and runs a home based food business did not stop double dipping.
Not only was I completely grossed out and couldn't eat any of the salads, but I hate to think what goes on when she prepares her products for sale 🤮

amother

Chocolate

Sun, May 21 2023, 10:46 am

amother Sand wrote:

Unless your oven is like mine and has a light that turns on when you open it and no way to override...

Unplug it before Shabbat if it's a gas stove. I plugged mine into an adaptor switch thingy that lets me switch it off without unplugging. Once the blech is on, I switch off the power and the oven door is no problem. It also prevents accidents like something on the blech touching and activating the control panel.

amother

Sand

Sun, May 21 2023, 11:01 am

amother Chocolate wrote:

Interesting idea. Unfortunately the plug is all the way behind the oven so idk if I can get in there to unplug it, and it’s the same fuse as my hot plate plug so I can’t just turn the fuse off for shabbos

amother

Cornsilk

Sun, May 21 2023, 12:00 pm

I used to beg my ex husband to let me babysit so that this pressures me to clean .
He didnt agree,
To bad
I feel that if I now im getting strangers t helps me.
You do what works for you and when it works for you .

amother

Chocolate

Sun, May 21 2023, 12:08 pm

amother OP wrote:

My house is messy. Full stop. I'm not good at cleaning, my kids help but can only do so much, I don't have cleaning help. (can't afford and not good at delegating)

The house is not atrocious I don't think but it's definitely not spotless or shining. There are cobwebs and dust and yes even dirt depending where you look. There is clutter and stuff lying around and some things are broken. It's an old house and the owners don't maintain it well so even when a room is clean it doesn't look great.

Would you invite guests? I used to a lot, but second guessing myself. Should I not?

If things are broken, either get rid of them or fix them. What, exactly, is broken? If your sofa is missing a leg, put a thick book under it. If the veneer is peeling off your bookcase, camouflage the bare spots with dark crayon or shoe polish--or leave as is. Nobody will be nauseated and refuse to eat at your table because of a splintering bookcase, broken sofa leg, or worn-out linoleum. These are not at all the same thing as a floor carpeted in used tissues and dirty diapers and a sofa laminated with dried yogurt, jam and snot, you should excuse the expression. Frayed but clean hand towels are acceptable; damp and dirty ones are another story.

Of course you know that you need to declutter, but until you do, clutter is easy enough to hide temporarily. Move it to another room, stash it in some sort of container, slip it behind the couch, pile it under a small table that you cover with a cloth that reaches the floor, or stick it in a corner and cover it with a clean throw or blanket.

I have vivid childhood memories of "tidying" my room in an emergency by taking everything that was lying around and shoving it into a dresser drawer or the closet. Obviously that won't do as a permanent solution, but when you need to neaten things up fast before company comes, it works.

amother

Copper

Sun, May 21 2023, 12:15 pm

I have a relative whose house is always dirty, messy, and falling apart.
She has more cleaning help than I do (daily) and it still always looks like a hurricane hit.
They can afford to replace things (or minor repairs that really don't cost but they pay big time!) but their carpets are horrendously stained, their chairs are all broken and I'm afraid to sit on them, and half of their kitchen cabinet doors and drawer fronts are dangling or cracked.
Her kitchen hygiene standards are well below standard.
I will not eat there or sleep there if I can avoid it, and when I do have to go there, I bring some dishes so that my family can eat something. Sometimes I'll offer to bring fancy plastic too so that I don't have to worry about what's on my plate or fork.
This is not the same as having some dirty dishes in the sink or a little dust on top of the cabinets, or some toothpaste on the bathroom mirror. My house isn't perfect either and I don't have super-high standards, but there's a big difference between a couple of sticky spots on my kitchen counter and the trainwreck that is their kitchen.
If your house is like that, OP, then you may want to prioritize basic cleaning before inviting guests.

amother

Eggplant

Sun, May 21 2023, 12:19 pm

amother Snow wrote:

I would rather not be your guest.

If I was hosted by someone untidy and unhygienic (it goes together many times) then I would put a smile on my face but then excuse myself from any future invites if I get any.

I don't mean mildly untidy and a lived in house with toys scattered, I mean tipsy and crazy. Huge piles of dishes lying on the counters, filthy floors, grimy oven and fridge, soiled bathrooms.

And I would rather not be friends with someone as judgemental as you.

Conversely, I wouldn’t care if a host’s house is a state, I would just be honored that they invited me and my family.

amother

Copper

Sun, May 21 2023, 12:46 pm

amother Eggplant wrote:

And I would rather not be friends with someone as judgemental as you.

Conversely, I wouldn’t care if a host’s house is a state, I would just be honored that they invited me and my family.

Really? It wouldn't bother you if things were filthy and your plate has food residue on it and the hostess tossed the salad with her hands without washing them first? If you couldn't sit anywhere without getting your clothes dirty? If you couldn't walk without stepping on something squishy? If it smelled awful and there were crumbs in your bed?

amother

Eggplant

Sun, May 21 2023, 12:53 pm

amother Copper wrote:

Not if the host was kind and I enjoyed their company and I felt welcome there.

I have been to spotless, pristine houses where the talk is all about success, gashmius, Lashon Hora etc. I have hated being at those people’s houses. They can keep their impeccable hygiene, I don’t want to hear LH.

amother

Copper

Sun, May 21 2023, 12:57 pm

amother Eggplant wrote:

These things are not mutually exclusive.
I am terribly uncomfortable in truly dirty homes (not just sort of messy) and I think many if not most people are. It's not a judgment thing. It doesn't make someone judgmental to want to avoid dirty places. I think you may be the exception to truly not mind.

amother

DarkOrange

Sun, May 21 2023, 12:57 pm

amother Sand wrote:

Unless your oven is like mine and has a light that turns on when you open it and no way to override...

True.

amother

Currant

Sun, May 21 2023, 1:00 pm

amother Eggplant wrote:

I guess u are very holy

amother

Eggplant

Sun, May 21 2023, 1:00 pm

amother Copper wrote:

It’s not that I don’t mind, it’s that the company I keep is more important to me than their housekeeping.

amother

Eggplant

Sun, May 21 2023, 1:02 pm

amother Currant wrote:

I guess u are very holy

Not at all. I am sure my house’s hygiene standards isn’t up to the clean police’s standards on this thread. And while there is sadly LH in my home from time to time, I go out of my way to stop it. To me LH is worse than an unhygienic house.

amother

Nasturtium

Sun, May 21 2023, 1:08 pm

amother Eggplant wrote:

On the spectrum of sin severity you are right. LH is worse than being a bad housekeeper. Doesn't make the house or the food prepared in it any less off-putting.

amother

Currant

Sun, May 21 2023, 1:11 pm

amother Nasturtium wrote:

On the spectrum of sin severity you are right. LH is worse than being a bad housekeeper. Doesn't make the house or the food prepared in it any less off-putting.

Yes literally nothing to do with each other. A house that feels dirty and feels gross to eat from has nothing to do with whether or not there is lh

Cheiny

Sun, May 21 2023, 1:13 pm

amother Nasturtium wrote:

That depends.
Of course people shouldn't be rude and comment disparagingly on other people's homes. ( I'm assuming this comes on the tails of the recent thread about young girls commenting on the state of the bathroom) But let's face it, people including children are judgemental and as we need to be aware that the way we present ourselves, keep our homes an all other externals are going to be judged and reacted to, rightly or wrongly. Obviously there are levels of cleanliness and hygiene, but I would say that if you are even somewhat embarrassed about the state of your home, it's time for you get some tools to get on top of things .
If you are not embarrassed, there isn't really a problem, is there?....but when kids get older there might be ....

I disagree that if OP isn’t embarrassed then there really isn’t a problem. It’s not healthy, physically or emotionally, to live with a dirty, cluttered environment. There’s a saying about cluttered house, cluttered mind, orderly house, orderly mind, which definitely has some truth to it.

OP, how’s your kitchen? Is it sanitary? Does your lack of cleanliness extend to your cooking? Guests might definitely get turned off and have issues with feeling comfortable eating your food if they feel the conditions in the kitchen/cooking/ food are unsanitary or could even be unsafe. It’s not a matter of judgmentalism.

There’s a reason restaurants and food establishments are checked periodically for cleanliness and sanitary conditions. Most people wouldn’t go back to a restaurant if they saw it was outright dirty. That’s something to consider.

OP, is there some way you can get some basic cleaning tips and enlist your kids to help maintain a satisfactory level of cleanliness. Clutter is one thing, but getting rid of actual dirt really should be a goal to try to maintain.

Cheiny

Sun, May 21 2023, 1:18 pm

amother Sand wrote:

Am I the only one who has half a shabbos of dirty dishes on my counters when we hit shabbos lunch? We don’t wash dishes on shabbos so I have all the Friday night dishes on one counter and all the breakfast dishes on another. What am I supposed to do with them? Are people really judging me for that?

Having dirty dishes from the same Shabbos is understandable. Do you have nowhere to store them out of sight for when guests come, ie dishwasher?

The problem is when Thursday night’s dirty dishes are still out.