Teaching kids it's okay to cry

rowena

Thu, Jun 01 2023, 10:01 pm

amother Lightpink wrote:

I have this question all the time. Most of my kids, and especially my very dramatic 4 year old, have temper tantrums and SCREAM when things don't go their way. Even if they fall down and get a little bump, they will prolong the crying and screaming. I understand comforting them, validating their emotions, etc, and I try to do that, but my kids don't seem to have an "off" switch once they start crying and at a certain point it feels like I'm not doing them any favors by allowing them to continue. Especially when they raise their voices to the max deliberately, almost as if they're doing it for attention. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I'm not sure where to draw the line either with kids who get mad more than they get sad.

4 years old might still be young enough to redirect. We don't have to prolong their crying for the sake of validating their emotions, but you'd be surprised. When one of my daughters was 4 telling her that it was okay to cry ironically really helped her calm down.

amother

Gardenia

Thu, Jun 01 2023, 10:56 pm

I feel like I'm too old school (even though I'm only in my low 30s) because as much as I understand the value of validating their feelings and not being dismissive, I just can't get behind this idea that any time they have "big feelings" about every random thing, their feelings are always valid and also simultaneously it's very overwhelming and scary for them to have these feelings.

When my 3 year old is melting down every 30 minutes about something else, I would much rather focus my efforts on getting her to a place where she can recognize on her own that no, it's really NOT that big a deal! There's no need to get all overwhelmed and fall apart because her sister is playing with the toy she wants this minute or because she wanted another slice of cake and I said no! When she's crying hysterically in such a situation, I don't honestly think she's scared of her own emotions, I think she's a bit of a natural drama queen and also that it's easier for her to just collapse in tears and hope she gets her way rather than do the hard work of calming down and accepting she's not gonna be getting her way.

I mean, I'm not totally dismissive. I don't just shut her down and snap, "Get over it, it's not a big deal!" But neither do I want to go into a whole conversation validating how very, very upsetting and unfair it feels, and it's so hard that they don't get xyz, and I would also be very sad and upset if I don't get xyz... No, I'd rather make it clear to them that while in the moment the situation is upsetting, I, and the rest of the world, would not view it as that big a deal. I'm more along the lines of, "I hear you're upset, you really wanted xyz. You're sad because you can't have it now. It's ok, you'll have it some other time. Let's work on calming down- do you want to take a break in your room or should Mommy give you a hug?" And when she is calm later, talk again about how sometimes we don't get what we want and that's ok, nobody always gets what they want, and that while that can make you feel sad, it's ok to feel sad and what can we tell ourselves to make us feel better.

And while being allowed to express your emotions is important, I'm also really not a huge fan of allowing a child to express their emotions to the extent that they're negatively affecting everyone around them. It's not right to anyone else to have to deal with the shrieking and crying just because one child is very upset about something, or to be snapped at nastily by their sibling because they're in a bad mood about something. I'm very into the concept that you're allowed to be upset, but that does not mean you're allowed to subject everyone else to it. If you're so upset that you need to cry very loudly, then you need to cry very loudly in a place where it's not bothering everyone else. You're not punished, you just can't do your crying right here loudly in other people's ears.

rowena

Fri, Jun 02 2023, 10:34 am

amother Gardenia wrote:

I do agree with you that while all feelings are ok, all behaviors are not. What I think we as a society don't understand is that children are not little adults and should not be expected to have the same control over their emotions, and plenty of adults have a hard time controlling their emotions too! If my friend is stressing over setting boundaries, even though it isn't something I've ever struggled with. I can understand her upset without belittling her. I believe that kids should be afforded that same respect.

I wouldn't make a point of getting into a whole conversation every time my kid is upset by something. I just want to make sure that I do it enough that they realize that I believe them and even though I don't understand why something is bothering them, their emotion is real. Very often I can just respond with a concerned "hmmmm" and it's enough for them to feel heard, and sometimes it doesn't and that's ok too. Sometimes I do have to say, "I know you're mad and I need you to be quiet." My aim is too get it right more than half the time; I'm not going to try to be perfect.

amother

Teal

Fri, Jun 02 2023, 11:39 am

amother OP wrote:

What kind of "help"? And why is it kids "these days" specifically?

Really curious, trying to figure this out...

Lots of theories out there about why kids are more dysregulated, mine mostly have to do with our poor diets, environmental toxins and inflammation.

Help depends on what works for the child honestly. I try to stay away from bribes, but it can be a distraction, removing them from the scene, removing yourself, tight hugs if they let, something they choose like a cold drink etc, Bach rescue remedy etc etc. Ultimately it’s about addressing the dysregulation at the root, not in the moment.

What’s helpful for me is just the mindset shift. The understanding that I don’t have to worship my child’s feelings and it won’t destroy them to not follow the gentle parenting script 1000%. Their dysregulation is neurological, it’s not emotional. Letting go of the guilt and fear. Finding a middle ground.