Anonymous chessed vs teachable moments

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Forum -> Parenting our children

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amother

Thu, Jun 29 2023, 11:06 am

Today I went grocery shopping and parked in an area that is notorious for being frequently patrolled by meter maids. I got out of my car with 2 quarters to feed my meter and was pleasantly surprised to see that there was a significant amount of time left. I was just about to slip my now extra quarter in my pocket when I noticed that the meter for the car in front of me was flashing red. So I just put my quarter in that meter so that whoever was parked there would be spared a ticket. The vehicle happened to have a Hatzalah designation, but I would have done it for anyone.

So now to my question. If my kids would have been with me I would have used this as a teachable moment and explained how we could help a stranger with something as small as a quarter and the person would never even know that we had done them a chessed. However my kids are all in camp. I feel like if I bring it up over dinner tonight then it just sounds like I'm bragging over my good deed of the day. It's nice to have our generosity acknowledged, but this was really minor in the grand scheme of things,

So where do you draw the line between telling people, especially your family, about the nice things you do during the day vs keeping quiet about your little or big acts of chessed? This is not a question about my specific silly quarter situation, but that was the springboard for me to ask the general question.

mushkamothers

Thu, Jun 29 2023, 11:07 am

Tell your kids, it's not bragging

amother

Blushpink

Thu, Jun 29 2023, 11:13 am

I bring it up when it makes sense. Next time they are with me and I'm paying for the meter would be a time I tell them about this story.

ima22

Thu, Jun 29 2023, 11:15 am

Your kids - you should always tell. They are learning. In fact, we go around the table at dinner and everyone shares something nice they did for someone else.

amother

Cherry

Thu, Jun 29 2023, 12:27 pm

You could share it at the dinner table tonight as a cool Hashgacha Pratis experience you had today. You took 2 quarters to feed the meter, but Hashem gave you a meter that only needed one, and the next car, which was right there needed one so you had an opportunity to do a mitzva!!! Don’t you love when Hashem gives you these special opportunities to do extra mitzvahs and sometimes they are so easy too! I felt like Hashem was looking out for me extra special today. I love Hashem!

Of course it depends on what your typical voice is and the age of your children. Mine are teenagers and would not bat an eye with this coming out of my mouth. If DH said this they would think he had taken drugs or something 😂

Additionally, I think they learn about the mitzvah and the importance of helping others, but it is not look what I did, it is how cool is Hashem.

amother

Hyacinth

Thu, Jun 29 2023, 12:47 pm

I don't think it is bragging at all. It is sharing with your family, your values and giving them an example of a concrete way of how you applied those values. You can phrase it as you were so lucky to have the opportunity to do a small thing to help someone today. Or funny thing happened today...

If you still consider it bragging, but don't mind stretching the truth you can say that "you saw someone doing this...and isn't that nice"

but I think it would be more impactful if they knew that you did it yourself.

amother

RosePink

Thu, Jun 29 2023, 1:44 pm

I like your question op! It's a really good one.

I vote not to tell the kids. The kids spend enough time with you that they get to see the little and big acts of kindness you do. They are learning from you.
If it comes off as boastful, that's also modeling something to them.

amother

RosePink

Thu, Jun 29 2023, 1:48 pm

I just want to add that random people come over to me on a regular basis to thank me for things my hudband has done for them. They usually assume that I know about them, but I never do. My husband doesn't talk about himself. I think it's a special midda.

In the end of the day, things become revealed even if you don't actually verbalize it. And if not, that's ok too.

This is just my own feeling, it would be out of my comfort zone to tell another person, even my family, about a small act of chessed I did.

effess

Thu, Jun 29 2023, 1:50 pm

I vote yes tell.
But tell in a way that you are thankful to Hashem for putting this mitzvah in your lap.
Then ask: what are Mitzvah opportunities that come/came your way?

amother

Jetblack

Thu, Jun 29 2023, 3:14 pm

I had the exact same thing today. Took part in a chesed project and was thinking if I should just keep it to myself or share it and inspire others because I get inspired when I hear the good that others do.
At the end I decided to share with my kids by supper.

amother

Pewter

Thu, Jun 29 2023, 3:27 pm

Sorry but I can't help but ask, where do they have meters like this anymore? Isn't it muni meters now? No way to do this anymore.

amother

Phlox

Thu, Jun 29 2023, 3:49 pm

I heard Rabbi Pesach Krohn speak about this, he feels parents should definitely tell their kids about acts of Chessed they have done.

amother

Thu, Jun 29 2023, 4:51 pm

amother Pewter wrote:

Sorry but I can't help but ask, where do they have meters like this anymore? Isn't it muni meters now? No way to do this anymore.

Suburbia

ShishKabob

Thu, Jun 29 2023, 6:09 pm

Also, you can point out the good feeling that you had when you helped out someone, this is a good feeling that comes from doing something good, it’s not bragging imo.

amother

RosePink

Thu, Jun 29 2023, 8:38 pm

I guess I'm outnumbered here, but I would feel that talking about the good deed I did in private would slightly taint it. It's just my feeling, not an objective reality.

Also, it could be I am remembering all the stories told over about great people, whose spouses heard these stories only at the Shiva for their spouses. I conclude that the practice of great people is not to talk about their chassadim, even to their families. Of course, regular people may feel there is great benefit in chinuch. But I'm just putting another view out there.

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