Help for violent explosive child

amother

Wed, Jul 12 2023, 11:25 pm

amother Crystal wrote:

If he is a highly sensitive child he may have been scarred by the bullying. Highly sensitive children take emotional pain deeper and the care givers in child’s life need to address that.
Highly sensitive children can act more angry in self defense because the pain of making mistakes hurts more than the regular child. To much being called out as the bad guy and the child starts acting like it and the anger and hate only intensify.

If not a result of bullying and being highly sensitive he may have ODD which is extremely challenging. You must get support for yourself first and then you will be able to care for him-get in touch with the right professionals to guide you. ODD children have a very specific ‘rule book’ that helps them and it’s not talk therapy.

Hugs and hatzlacha.

For my own son it was a case of being in a very traumatic situation, and not ODD. He calmed down after getting 1-removed from the traumatic situation, 2- direct love, 3- response vs reactions from adults around him, 4- adults around him learning his love language aka how to parent him per se.

ODD is highly genetic, and you may want to look back on the family tree to see if there was an ancestor who was tough, and anti-authoritarian.

He is extremely sensitive. But he doesn’t show it it’s all inward. He shows it by getting violent and defiant. So adults around him think he’s macho and try to break him more which of course does more damage….

amother

DarkMagenta

Wed, Jul 12 2023, 11:31 pm

He doesn't necessarily need a real pandas diagnosis to treat him with antibiotics. I'm treating my son now with a 30 day course and it's been really helping his behavior.

All you need to do is either find a different doctor that will give you a prescription. Or explain to your doctor that you see an improvement with Motrin, so you believe there must be inflammation and can he please prescribe.

Before you start with psyc. Evals... Try the medical route first. Better to try to treat inflammation than to use other meds that control behavior.

amother

Aster

Thu, Jul 13 2023, 12:36 am

amother OP wrote:

So what do I do about this?

Op, you wrote that he was always very sensitive. Bullying can make things worse but bullies also sometimes specifically gravitate toward bullying kids who lack certain skills because they're easier to pick on and may give a more rewarding reaction. Also, kids missing certain skills may not intuitively know how to avoid the bully like other more attuned kids might. This is not to blame the victim or justify bullying. It's to warn not to blame everything on the bully without addressing the other issues. My parents did that with my brother who had delays, instead of addressing the delays. They were in denial his entire childhood and adolescence and didn't get him the skills he needed. He's not independently functional today. Please have your child evaluated.

amother

Latte

Thu, Jul 13 2023, 7:06 am

amother OP wrote:

So why do they even do blood work?

For drs who don't understand how pandas works, they test because they think it's a good way to diagnose. For drs who are true pandas experts, they test just because it gives them clues towards treatment, ie which infections you may be dealing with, is the treatment working, etc. But they are not relying on the specific number to make a diagnosis or decide to treat. That's all in the symptoms, and even more importantly, how they respond.
OP in my experience this is a route worth pursuing. No amount of evaluations and therapy will make a significant difference if there is brain inflammation going on. You can do therapy alongside, but it's always best to treat the cause.

amother

Thu, Jul 13 2023, 7:57 am

amother Aster wrote:

He is not delayed in any way. And not lacking skills. He has leadership qualities. It was a very severe case of bullying with an unhealthy adult involved. And since then I’ve seen him in other settings and yes by now the bullies might gravitate towards him because he gets triggered…..

amother

Crystal

Thu, Jul 13 2023, 10:06 am

amother OP wrote:

you know your child which is a great start.

The main thing is, thought that you must take action which you are doing and it’s great .Right now when you do not know yet, what is causing his anger - it is on your shoulders to do something for him and kind of save his life.

The next question will be what kind of learning do you like to do?
Many people like to go one on one to a parenting expert to help them, learn how to parent an explosive child. (I want to reiterate that you cannot do it alone.)
Others like to watch YouTube videos from professionals.
Others like to read books.
Some people do all of the above.(I was one of those.) Cool

A few things are possible. He is bottling up his emotions because of the bullying he experienced. He does not trust others to show his emotions because showing emotion is not safe. Or he does not know how to show/Xpress emotion. Or he has a diagnosis children with ADHD often do not know how to express emotion and piles up on until they explode in negative behavior.

I want to add another very important parts, which is self-care. Please take care of yourself at this stage. You will not be able to help you yourself when you are extremely drained. Especially in the hot summer months.

If you want to start small, I love attitudemagazines podcasts, and YouTube videos on children with explosiveness and emotional dysregulation. You can listen with an earbud while you do your house work etc…

Hugs. Remember to tfila.
R’ Nachman m’breslov said the thing H’ wants most is to hear us tell Him our worries in our own language.

amother

Aster

Thu, Jul 13 2023, 11:05 am

amother OP wrote:

I'll take your word for it. Just in case you misunderstand what I'm saying, "delayed" and "missing skills" isn't necessarily referencing anything academic or that would show up on a test. I was an A+ student who barely had to study, was also a leader, and I still had ADHD. (A+ in everything but conduct.) Here's a sampling from the book the Explosive Child just to explain what I mean. The reason I had suggested it is because a child who is routinely resorting to violence may have lagging skills with regulation or communication. But if none of this applies to your child, then never mind.

amother

Crystal

Thu, Jul 13 2023, 11:10 am

amother OP wrote:

It sounds so much like my son.

Leadership qualities but so much impulsive anger and physical aggression too.

Do the work- it’s so worth it.

amother

Thu, Jul 13 2023, 12:53 pm

amother Crystal wrote:

Thank you so much!!! Really nice post I will check out the podcast. I am an avid reader and ordered the explosive child book but still didn’t get myself to read it. I’m so overwhelmed from my sons behavior right now that when I get to read I need a break from it all. Hopefully will get around to it soon IYH

amother

Thu, Jul 13 2023, 12:54 pm

amother Aster wrote:

Yes these skills from the chart he is lacking. I thought when you were talking about your sibling you were referring to more like social skills…..

So to get help with these skills what kind of help does he need and does help actually help?

amother

Crystal

Thu, Jul 13 2023, 1:09 pm

amother OP wrote:

Totally!

Remember to put the oxygen mask on yourself first, when the plane is in emergency mode Smile

Hatzlacha rabba

mha3484

Thu, Jul 13 2023, 1:17 pm

amother Chambray wrote:

That’s amazing! What school uses it?

I live in Chicago. The Menahales of the Bais Yaakov elementary had all of the moros trained in Collaborative Problem Solving. She also organized a mothers group precovid to learn it. The boys school affiliated with it also does but they came to it later but it has really become the default method of the hanhala when dealing with the boys.

amother

Chambray

Thu, Jul 13 2023, 1:30 pm

mha3484 wrote:

Amazing! What is the boys school YTT?