My daughter hit me

shaqued_almond

Thu, Aug 31 2023, 12:48 pm

amother OP wrote:

Thank you all for your comments and support. It will take time until she and I can see a therapist. I set up a call with relief for a recommendation for early next week and then I am assuming it will take a bit of time until I can get an appointment. How do I interact with her until then?

Don't lecture her. You made your point. She needs a path to move forward.

amother

Coral

Thu, Aug 31 2023, 12:57 pm

amother OP wrote:

I would sit down with her and let her know you will be getting guidance, and are not ignoring what happened.
Something like this:
I know that something is very wrong with our relationship right now, because violence is unacceptable, and you where so angry that you behaved in a way we both know can never happen again, with anyone. I know there is a lot going on and I have made an appointment to get guidance on how to help you, because it I love you so much and we obviously need help as a family.

If you think that will cause another explosion, you can write her a letter.

One caveat: If you or her father are modeling physical aggression you need to acknowledge that she has seen this growing up, and that you realize that you have raised her in a way that made her think this is an acceptable option, and will be going for help as a family.

amother

Cherry

Thu, Aug 31 2023, 1:23 pm

Definitely therapy asap.

Why is she angry about the pregnancy?

My teens are always super excited when I tell them I am pregnant, and they are not such easy teens either.

In any case, does she feel understood and validated about her feelings? That's very very important with every child, but especially teens.

Of course hitting was very very wrong, and it's understandable that you reacted in shock and instinctively, but you should not kick her out of the house. It needs to be dealt with, but not by kicking her out.

Please get some professional guidance, both for her and for yourselves to parent her.

amother

Yarrow

Thu, Aug 31 2023, 1:26 pm

amother Coral wrote:

This is perfect!!

amother

Thu, Aug 31 2023, 2:38 pm

amother Coral wrote:

This is what I needed. Thank you.

One thing I wanted to mention since a few people commented. I did not kick her out of the house, I asked her to leave and come back when calm. She went upstairs to her room. (And is still not really calm but whatever...)

amother

DarkCyan

Thu, Aug 31 2023, 2:42 pm

I wouldn’t let her know I’m consulting with a therapist or thst I don’t know what to do
Don’t let the consulting with an expert undermine your natural parental authority
First talk to one and see what she advises
If anything I’d buy time and say it is so serious what she did that I am giving myself time to think it over how best to address

amother

Coffee

Thu, Aug 31 2023, 2:43 pm

OP you said that your relationship with your daughter is not the greatest.
Can you elaborate on that?
Take aside her recent blowup and her anger at you for being pregnant.
Pre-pregnancy, what kind of relationship do you two have? What is your baseline like?

amother

Brass

Thu, Aug 31 2023, 3:50 pm

amother Canary wrote:

Did you ever have a heart to heart with her about life? Or expose her to other women being pregnant at your age? Do you have open convos? Does she look up to a Rebbetzin figure?

This is besides the point. Her daughter shouldn't be hitting her mother no matter her reasoning behind it.

amother

Yarrow

Thu, Aug 31 2023, 6:19 pm

amother Periwinkle wrote:

Do you guys use hitting as a form of punishment in the house? She might just be responding with what she knows

At 15 I hope she isn't hit!
I was hit a lot as a kid (as were others I know) but would never act this way...
It's not normal for a girl to be so out of control

wantavaca

Thu, Aug 31 2023, 11:04 pm

The best form of therapy is a strong centered mom who does not positively reinforce misbehavior by getting scared or blowing up.

IME when you heal your fears next to this and learn to completely disengage and not give her any sort of audience when she acts this way, the behavior will die down from extinction. At the same time, give 1:1 loving attention during other regular times as much as possible.