DD says I make her think she's insane

voiceofreason

Fri, Sep 01 2023, 7:27 am

I have experience with this. In my case, the teenager in question has dyslexia and ADHD. Not sure if that's the only reason- this child also has a strong emotional need to be perceived as extremely brilliant and intellectual. I eventually started actually verifying via a 3rd party or other evidence. For example- on a shopping list, when items were omitted and this young adult said I forgot to put them on the list, I actually checked the shopping list and pointed to the items, which had been written clearly on the paper. Then I would say something like, "actually, you can see the items were written on the list, but I understand you didn't manage to get everything. We all make mistakes, and grocery stores are distracting. Next time maybe double-check the list before you pay. That's a technique I use."

Or- this only works if you have cameras in your house- go back and replay the audio. I know some people might say this is creepy, but there is a much deeper issue here: DD cannot admit she is fallible, and this will wreck her relationships. I personally would be fine with keeping a camera or recorder in my kitchen for these teaching moments. It really is important to eradicate this flawed self-perception before she is an adult and the opportunity passes. It will only take 2 or 3 objective examples before your daughter is forced to confront the fact that she does, like all of us, make mistakes. And she will also confront the fact that despite her mistakes, you still love her.

Of course, you need to do it kindly and model for her how to rectify/prevent/recover. For example, not in the moment, but when you are sitting together at some point and chatting about your respective days, share a story of a time you made a mistake and how embarrassing it was, but then you got over it because everyone is human. Do NOT frame it or relate it obviously to your daughter's situation- if you do, she will hear it as a "teaching moment" and of course choose to ignore it. Just share it as though you're schmoozing and giving insight into how you felt. That is the truest way to model fallibility and recovery.

It's important for parents to discuss their own shortcomings or mistakes with their children, so that their children don't grow up with a false narrative of perfection. So you can do this genuinely. But also make sure to have evidence of the things she says. It's the only way to help her gain insight.

myname1

Fri, Sep 01 2023, 7:29 am

amother Cobalt wrote:

I actually have a similar thing with my five year old.
So if I would do what you wrote above and say “No, size 5”
Her reply wouldn’t be “Oh, Size 5” . It would be
“That’s what I said to begin with ! I said size 5! You heard size 2 , but I said size 5”.

After reading the OP, it made me think that there might be something deeper going on.
I thought perhaps she’s super sensitive to not being 100% right , and she often switches the story so that the other person appears to be the one in the wrong. That’s how she fights with her siblings . When she misbehaves , she blame shifts and says “So and So caused her to misbehave , otherwise she would not have done it”. And we get absolutely no where until she’s calmed down .

Well I think everyone does that to some degree. Anyone who does something wrong claims to be provoked. And it's probably true. Most people don't go up and smack someone (or whatever) for no reason. The victim did something to provoke. This is just a bit of an extreme degree, not being able to admit to a mistake or being wrong at all, not only when one does something really wrong.

As an aside, I'm really impressed if your 5 yo really would verbalize “That’s what I said to begin with ! I said size 5! You heard size 2 , but I said size 5”. That sounds like something a teen would say defensively, but not really a 5 yo.

amother

Winterberry

Fri, Sep 01 2023, 8:15 am

amother Cobalt wrote:

My 7 year old is similar. But that’s fine for little kids. Op’s dd is a teen.

amother

Petunia

Fri, Sep 01 2023, 10:30 am

Is it possible that you’re the one remembering incorrectly? My sister used to do that, either not remember things correctly or manipulate the truth so that I was always in the wrong with my parents. She told it so convincingly that I legitimately thought I was crazy. I could have sworn up and down that I remembered things differently than she claimed but I was never believed because “(my name) remembers things that never happened”

It took a few years and eventually we were both married. Now any interaction I have a witness to. Either my husband or hers is witness to the truth. She would try to gaslight me into thinking I’m the one misremembering but then her husband or mine would gently say “actually, she’s (meaning me) right”
I can’t tell you how relieving it is to have witnesses to these interactions since I always had this fear in the back of my mind that I’m a pathological liar but am unaware of it

amother

Petunia

Fri, Sep 01 2023, 10:40 am

amother Petunia wrote:

Actually, taking a spin on that, but her a recording device. Tell her you don’t want her feeling like she’s crazy. Let her record every conversation until you’ve had 5 such interactions. And then see who was right most of those times and take it from her. If she’s the one remembering incorrectly, be gentle with her and tell her it’s ok to have a faulty memory and ask her if she’d like to a) see a therapist/psychiatrist if she’s really concerned and b) work on memory improving exercises.
If you’re the one mostly in the wrong, admit to being at fault and apologize for making her feel like she’s crazy. Then take the above advice and use it yourself. If it’s split 2:3 then both admit that your memories aren’t perfect and be kinder to each other

amother

Brass

Fri, Sep 01 2023, 11:53 am

myname1 wrote:

I have a very verbal and expressive 6 year old and I related to this post a lot. He’s quite similar and would definitely express himself similarly
My older kids are not as expressive as he is