Not enough food at in-laws seudas

amother

Ivory

Tue, Oct 03 2023, 9:23 pm

watergirl wrote:

She’s very thin she’s always talking about the latest diet she’s on, but I don’t actually pay attention to how much she or other people eat. She does comment to me about how much food other people took, and how much food people left on their plates. She is the type of person who eats every bit of chicken, so if she served chicken on the bone with skin and people left the skin over, she gets upset they wasted food, food, and comments about it. She also has a tendency to make very old-fashioned food that people left behind in the old country for a reason, so if people don’t take those dishes and she has leftovers of that but not of the cholent, salad, deli (ie more typical food choices), she assumes she made too much food. Her cholent is a tiny bowl for a large number of people.

TBH she sounds like she has an eating disorder.

B'Syata D'Shmya

Tue, Oct 03 2023, 9:50 pm

watergirl wrote:

Yep, my DGM (dear Grandmother) would take the leftover chicken skin from your plate and tell you its the best part. But she went through gehenom and back....we understood.

What kind of old fashioned food are you talking about?

scintilla

Tue, Oct 03 2023, 9:59 pm

Oh my goodness these stories are horrible. I can't imagine being hungry when sleeping over at someone with little kids!! I always always bring food with me, I am really reliant on food. I'm not me when I'm not well fed and my kids are the same. But I'm also pretty blunt and I have picky kids, so I actually ask in advance what the general menu is and tell them I'll bring a few more things so my kids have what to eat. If it's all I end up eating too, so be it...

amother

Crocus

Tue, Oct 03 2023, 10:03 pm

amother Cobalt wrote:

So much dysfunction

The thing is that I my mils case she's so organized. She's on top of everything, runs a very successful business. She has soups and tons of dishes in the freezer. She makes 4 salads. Just all the portions are tiny. She has a meal for 8 people and serves a third of an 8" round Kugel that's four pieces? Her salads also tiny amounts. And then she makes a roast or chicken and puts out some on the platter it's empty before it goes around half the table. But really she has more in the container that she just hasn't warmed up and put out and then she gets to say there's so much leftovers. Banging head

I don't know why it has to be this way. Her mother was probably like this too. My aunt (mil's sil) had us over to visit (not for a meal) and just put a plate of chicken out for us. She knew we'd be starving.

amother

Seashell

Tue, Oct 03 2023, 10:15 pm

I have this issue with my mother and my MIL, both of whom have BPD.

MIL will portion out tiny portions and when I was pregnant constantly commented to everyone at the table that I eat so much. Very embarrassing, especially because DHs family are all very short except him and I am 5'9 and athletic. I'm bigger than all the men and women in the family except DH. So guess what, I'm hungry. But literally if I ate a chicken drumstick she'd go on and on at the table about it if I took a 2nd drumstick even if other people asked for more too. And they are very well to do people who would buy expensive foods like salmon but then just serve out tiny portions and she'd always comment how thin she is (she isn't) and offer me clothes from 'back when I was fat, they'll probably fit you" no they won't because you're not even 5 feet tall but thanks for the body shaming.

The other thing is she likes to sneak things in people's food they are allergic to in order to "see if they are really allergic" and doesn't understand what the big deal is. It's very stressful.

My mother, who is also well to do, not only serves tiny portions but also hoards food and most things in her kitchen have expired years ago. One time my brother complained (nicely) and she literally got violent with him and he called the police. Very fun. Nobody is allowed to cook in her kitchen because "they'll mess it up" and nobody is allowed to bring food because "there might be hidden allergens" but she isn't super allergic or something. It's just a control thing. She also sneaks things to people but in her case she sneaks in things that are hashgacha they don't hold by. At this point we don't go and when she hosts other siblings I cook extra because they always crash at my place after and eat

A lot of the following generation have eating disorders. Shocking.

It's very messed up

amother

Maple

Tue, Oct 03 2023, 10:28 pm

B'Syata D'Shmya wrote:

MIL did the same, many times. I broke down in tears one Shabbos - I was hormonal and pregnant so it is understandable but I WAS STARVING!! Practically ate the tissues. Couldnt wait to get home. Hated visiting so we didnt do it often. The food was a factor and she hovered when we came and unpacked so I couldnt bring food or drinks. She was always out of coffee but my dh said we couldnt bring or she would be insulted.

Once, FIL who volunteers for chessed had to leave just before meal, MIL decided we are all waiting till he returns, no food for anyone. Seriously no food. He returned many hours later. Turned out he was given food where he was and thought we had eaten. Turned that yuntif into YK.

Much later I was told by friends, neighbors and other fam members that they had the exact same experience.
My MIL still tries to control how other pple eat.

I have learned that different homes have different standards and to take care of myself by discretely bringing my own food.

Message to hosts- please make sure you have enough (normal) food or dont invite. If you subscribe to a weird diet- have the decency to have normal food for others or warn in advance.

She comes into your room when you unpack? I buy shelf stable food so I can hide it and I don't have to keep it in the fridge.
Shelf stable Iced Cappuccino, water, nuts, crackers, granola and protein bars, beef jerky, chocolate, etc. I keep it in my bag, don't unpack. Also bring a shopping bag so I can take my garbage home.

B'Syata D'Shmya

Tue, Oct 03 2023, 10:46 pm

amother Maple wrote:

She comes into your room when you unpack?

She thought nothing of opening our suitcase....DH thought it was cute, but I think she was curious how the other half lived. She thought my parents were much wealthier than her. (not true btw). I had to teach her boundaries that my SIL should thank me for!

I buy shelf stable food so I can hide it and I don't have to keep it in the fridge.
Shelf stable Iced Cappuccino, water, nuts, crackers, granola and protein bars, beef jerky, chocolate, etc. I keep it in my bag, don't unpack. Also bring a shopping bag so I can take my garbage home.

So my dh thouht that would be creepy and inappropriate and a lot to have to hide from his mother, he said I should just be happy with what she serves and eat when we come home as embarrassing her would be worse , problem is the food was to my taste dry and tasteless and unappetizing. Others (family, friends and neighbors) told me the same so I know I wasnt crazy. I could handle the hunger until I was pregnant (and the time we waited all day till FIL returned from....) At some point I threatened this was the last time I would go, then dh mentioned the situation to her, so she promised to buy better food, she bought one package of cookies that my starving FIL immediately gobbled up. You really cant change people....

Now that shes older and cant really cook, I bring the food and she criticizes it.... LOL!

amother

Stone

Tue, Oct 03 2023, 11:30 pm

amother OP wrote:

My in-laws have a large family bi”h, with mostly boys in their teens, so as expected they have healthy appetites.
The only thing is I’ve noticed that lately there is simply not enough food. If you don’t serve yourself fast enough it’s all gone. Now I don’t mind so much for me, I’m happy to eat something at home after the meal or by my parents who live nearby, but if I want to feed my kids at the seuda I start feeling as though I’m taking food out my siblings in-laws mouths.
So I have a dilemma, should I just feed them at home before we arrive and bring snacks with in case they get hungry? Is it rude if they notice nobody in my family is eating?
Should I mention something to my mother in-law?
From what I know they are financially stable so it’s not a money problem and they can afford food.
Not sure how to approach this.

How was it for your DH, growing up? Did he have enough to eat?

amother

Melon

Tue, Oct 03 2023, 11:44 pm

My mother used to cook a lot, but somehow as we got older and moved out, her cooking habits changed. Like everyone else’s examples, now she only likes to prepare basics (soup, 1 main, 2 sides) and she hates leftovers so if she has even some leftovers she feels like she cooked too much. She’s also completely off when it comes to planning food amounts. The biggest problem is that she doesn’t want anyone cooking in her kitchen even though we’d be happy to help.

I do try to bring as much as I can with me (I live OOT) and try to go out for meals so she doesn’t have to cook as much, plus I’ll buy some takeout which she’s fine with.

I know it’s an age/stage thing and not intentional. Since a lot of the posts are about MIL’s, I wonder if it’s really an age/stage thing for them too and you just don’t realize.

B'Syata D'Shmya

Tue, Oct 03 2023, 11:52 pm

amother Melon wrote:

There may be great reasons, age/stage/ upbringing/ effects from traumas/ etc etc. Its not that mothers or MILs are doing it on purpost but it doesnt change the feeling. Food is an integral and vital part of us. When scarce, it brings out the worst in all of us (see Maslows theory).

amother

Melon

Wed, Oct 04 2023, 12:21 am

B'Syata D'Shmya wrote:

True, just adding that perspective

amother

Hydrangea

Wed, Oct 04 2023, 9:58 pm

Yikes every single story here is my mil . My husband used to ask me for the menu every shabbos when we were just married and it took me a while to realize why …
How I deal with it - if we move in I shop ALot blame it all on the kids . ( think yogurts cheese lebens snacks etc)
I started off making a soup and a salad , thinking no one else wanted it but when it was always devoured I upped the game .12 years later at this point I menu plan and cook almost everything and mil has more or less given in . The only issue I still have is food being hoarded “for later” or for ( insert fav son name) diet or the dessert she liked hoarded and suddenly it’s done . But I stopped caring or we can’t go anymore . I also heat the food up in the mornings or it would be in the freezer till 2 pm like previous poster. This pesach I was told I wasn’t allowed to serve an entire main dish and to save it for a diff meal. It spoiled by that time and went in the garbage . We also keep snacks in the suitcase for the kids and sowm for me too . ED definitely plays a part as well .