Anyone intentionally stop at 2 kids and happy with decision?

amother

Mayflower

Mon, Oct 23 2023, 8:18 pm

amother Azalea wrote:

I have 2, Im finding it very very difficult. Why would it be easier to have a couple older kids and a couple babies. The older kids demand so much too.
I feel so much dread about the future, I don’t want to deprive my husband of children and my children of siblings, but it’s all stress very little joy.

When I had one baby/toddler, I remember going to the library and seeing a mom there with a baby the same age as mine and a bunch of older kids too. I told her how I was so in awe of her, that my one baby takes up ALL my time and energy and I have no idea how I'd deal with even one older kid, forget about more. She said "Oh yeah, I remember those days. When my oldest was a baby, I was the only entertainment around! She always needed my attention, I could never get anything done. Now there's always something else going on for my baby to look at, and when we're home alone I think she's happy just to play in the quiet house on her own, I have to remind myself to sit down and play with her because she's so content."

I now have six kids ka'h, including an almost-one year old. I get it. This is a million times easier than when I had a couple of little kids and no one else. It's also much less mind-numbing and enjoyable for me. I enjoy my baby more since I'm in "big kid" land so much, and the things she does are cute rather than frustrating.

amother

Amethyst

Mon, Oct 23 2023, 8:33 pm

I'm in the same boat. I also have 2 and considering not trying for a third. My 7 year old is so difficult. She has so many phobias and her constipation is causing us such trouble. I find them easier when they're babies. Part of me wonders if we're done.

salt

Tue, Oct 24 2023, 1:36 am

People are not babies or kids forever. It's just a few years - they might be hard years, admittedly, with stress and not much free time, but remember you have all their adult years as well to enjoy be"H, and all the generations to follow...

I'm not saying have loads of children if you're not able to cope, but I wouldn't stay stop at 2 because your not a "kids type".

amother

Orange

Tue, Oct 24 2023, 5:10 am

salt wrote:

Agreed very much, in fact I’m looking forward to older years than younger years. Younger years are probably going to be hard for me, but I know it’s a short time and need to enjoy it while it lasts and watch my baby grow.

amother

Starflower

Tue, Oct 24 2023, 6:04 am

My sister in law has a 14 year old and a 12 year old. She’s in her 40s and claims she’s very happy with her decision. She’s a typical American working class type. Sends to the community’s bais Yaakov and boys school. Personally I think she’ll feel it when her kids are out of the house but I think her comfort and space is more important than having more kids. She travels ALOT and doesn’t want to be tied down to anything.

amother

Ghostwhite

Tue, Oct 24 2023, 8:32 am

salt wrote:

I disagree, I actually think it’s really smart and mature to have a smaller family if that’s what you can handle. Not everyone is cut out to have a large family, and there’s too much pressure to have one.

amother

Seafoam

Tue, Oct 24 2023, 9:59 am

amother Orange wrote:

If you start at 25 and have one every other year, you can have 10 by 45.

Most people I know (I'm yeshivish) don't want 10 kids even if it"s technically possible. I don't think double digit families are as common now as they were in our parents' generation (post holocaust)

Anyway this whole "10-15 kids" is reminding me of a thread last week...

amother

Seafoam

Tue, Oct 24 2023, 10:02 am

amother Orange wrote:

This is what greatly bothers me, stopping due to finances. Aren’t there organizations that help couples that won’t have more kids due to finances? I’m thinking to connect my husband with them. He doesn’t want so many kids because of finances and his MO.

No there are no such organizations. There are general tzedakah organizations like tomchei shabbos and hachnassas kallah etc but nothing specifically for people who won't have kids due to finances. That is the craziest idea ever.

amother

Yolk

Tue, Oct 24 2023, 10:18 am

Just another perspective/food for thought:
I hated the first year when it was just me and my baby. I was bored, frustrated, tired, and sick of doing the same things again and again.
Now she's 3 and I'm enjoying it so much more, and can't wait till she's even bigger. I have a person to 'shmooze' with, we can actually do things (even things like making dinner or laundry, I don't feel like I'm all alone). Plus I'm actually enjoying the cuteness! When she was a baby I barely wanted to look at her if I didn't have to...
Pg with #2 now and even though after #1 I was like, never again, once she turned 2 I started considering it. I think that as my oldest gets older and I'm no longer in the baby only stage, it'll get easier for me, mentally.

Yes its still a ton of work but it's not my whole life anymore and to me that's really important.

amother

DarkGray

Tue, Oct 24 2023, 10:57 am

"having 2 kids vs. having 3-4 kids is totally different -- more work, more chaos, more stress, more fighting, less free time, less hobbies, etc."

Something else I thought of - you might want to think about whether and how much you plan to work. When I said earlier that my experience was not that different going from 1 kid to 2 to 3 and up, that may be because DH and I both work full time and always have since before we had children.

Because we both work full time, it has been a given for us that much of our time is already not free, and that we will spend our time with our family from the end of the work day until the children's bedtime. Having one young child would fill that time, and having four young children also fills that time. As the children get older and stay up later, we spend more time with them. But having fewer children wouldn't create any more free time, practically speaking.

Maybe for a SAH or a part-time working parent, there would be a more perceptible difference between having 1-2 kids and having 3-4.

amother

Arcticblue

Tue, Oct 24 2023, 10:59 am

My first 2 are 13.5 months apart. I wasn't sure if and when I want another one. Once my younger one was 3 and went out to school, I felt it's time for a big change. It was such a difference experience, both the pregnancy and baby stage, I loved it. I had so much patience. Baby #2 and 3 are 4 years.

With baby number 4, born when previous child was 3.5, was a hard pregnancy and far from easy newborn stage. Now she's 20 months, insanely cute but has been keeping on my toes all day every day ever since, and it's so draining. I am not deciding now on further having kids. I will let some more time pass first.

Don't make a permanent decision during a temporary situation. (Or however else the saying goes.)

amother

Oatmeal

Tue, Oct 24 2023, 11:05 am

amother Orange wrote:

older years also have their struggles. just different

amother

Broom

Tue, Oct 24 2023, 11:14 am

I had 2 babies a year apart and told myself that I'm done. But when they were 6 & 7, I felt that I'm ready & wanted to have another baby. I bh got pregnant within 3 months of going off BC & I'm so thankful for the precious gift from hashem. The best decision ever. Our son is lighting up our home and lives. I'm on long term BC again, till I feel ready for another baby. My older kids are begging and asking when we'll have another baby.

justforfun87

Tue, Oct 24 2023, 11:31 am

Both my husband and I only have one sibling. My sister and I are very close and watch out for each other. For my husband I can't say the same. I only get mopey around chaggim and simchas that we are such a small family. We share caring for our parent but an extra sibling would probably be more helpful... maybe not.