Kids severe phone addiction

amother

Beige

Sun, Oct 22 2023, 8:09 am

Go cold Turkey
Cut service
Addiction means no exposure for them
You will be happy you did it
Replace the “loss” with lots of TLC treats activities etc
They will get through the withdrawal
Refuse to discuss it beyond a wash and rinse repeat sentence like “this is what’s best”
Also while we use sharp knives we don’t let our little ones use them kwim

amother

Sun, Oct 22 2023, 8:55 am

spikta wrote:

Echoing above - go cold turkey.

This will be much harder for you than it will for them. Just remember that. Don't feel guilty about not giving the phone to them, any more than you'd feel guilty about not letting your teens partake in the joys of cigarettes. Children don't thrive with phones, they become stunted, you see that. It is your job as the responsible adult to make the hard choices and deal with the consequences.

We had a nasty time as parents over the past few years having to work and function without our regular support networks - schools and daycares, and limited community support and human connection - so it makes sense that this happened. Not all kids are addicted like this (your husband is being blind to the problem, and sounds like he's a bit addicted himself), but it's not uncommon, because of the circumstances we were put in, being in on and off lockdown for so long while still having to function at 110%. We turned to screens because they shut our kids up, and unfortunately that's what we needed. Now we're paying the piper, because children aren't supposed to shut up for hours on end. They're supposed to run around and make noise and messes and play with others. It's great that you noticed the problem and are willing to change.

This change will demand a lot of you. If you expect to be able to work when they're around, kiss that idea goodbye, at least for the near future. They're used to dopamine spiking games and they don't know how to entertain themselves without them. You'll need to be giving them ideas for activities and *doing them together*. You'll need to be breaking up fights and reminding them how to communicate. You'll need to be modeling how to have fun by moving your body.
Most of all, you'll need to put your phone away when you're with your children. If something is urgent, you'll either get a phone call, or the tzeva adom app will alert. Don't kid yourself that you have any other reason to look at you're phone. If you need to get work messages, see above: you won't be able to work with the kids around for some time, until they're regulated. When you are with them you are offline, end of story. Add a lock to your phone (fingerprint, password, whatever), so even if they do swipe your phone they can't open it.
Make sure your husband is on board with all of this, particularly the no phone around kids and adding a password.

You can decide if you want to do some other screen time with the kids like videos, but make sure it's not on your phone, and that you decide and let them know in advance how long it will be, and don't do games. That will defeat the purpose. Games are what cause the dopamine addiction.

Good luck! It's worth it, really!

Thank you, I needed to hear this.. Yes, I can pinpoint when it started in 2020 during the covid period, we were also renovating and we needed a convenient fallback option to 'keep them quiet' while we discussed renovation matters. Boy, are we paying the price now. First it was covid, then the summers and the chagim, and now a war. My son now has ADHD-like symptoms and I swear he wasn't born with adhd.

My husband and I put locks on our phones ages ago but its just become another game for my kids to see if they can 'figure out the code'. Can't Believe It

the time that I had it the most under control (and that was barely) was when I told them they could only have the phone at 5 when Abba comes home from work, because he would give them more time even if they had time prior in order to have peace and quiet. But this hasn't been sustainable

amother

Aubergine

Sun, Oct 22 2023, 8:59 am

I "officially let" on Friday afternoon after kids are showered and house is ready for shabbos!! It motivates them to help clean up, set the table and get ready!
I would say go cold turkey but be prepared to offer many alternate activities!
Delete all games from all phones so it's not very interesting.

Sewsew_mom

Sun, Oct 22 2023, 9:09 am

Lots of great advice here.
And I want to reiterate... It will take a lot of energy from you to be present emotionally and physically for your children. It'll be a huge change for you as well. Don't be fooled to think cold turkey will work unless you do the hard work(and it may becomes expensive)
Learning how to break up fights, how to help them regulate themselves, doing loads of activities, basically being the ON mom whenever they are around. Otherwise there will be chaos and behavior issues.
It is possible. I didn't have it that extreme.. But I did take away most electronics in my home and the days there are no school I get to be wiped from the amount I need to be present.
I'm grateful I can do it. My kids are way better behaved and don't snap every 10 seconds. But boy is it a lot of work.
And the one time you give in to let them use electronics-u gotta start all over again.

listenhere

Sun, Oct 22 2023, 9:52 am

I think the advice upthread is great and going cold turkey is the best option.

I’m chiming in because I’ve had this issue with my 3 year old. A lot younger so it is different, but my experience with clock or time limits is that it doesn’t work. They are too young to really understand the concept of time or really know the clock, and to be honest it doesn’t work with adults either. You just wait with bated breath for that time, it totally defeats the purpose.

What we did with my three year old is only allow on one day of the week. It solves the issue of fixating on it because it’s a full day, and it’s not totally restricted because we felt that it was unrealistic and comes with its own set of issues. We chose Friday because that’s when the house is busiest and we can use the distraction as well.

It was much easier to implement because it wasn’t a total ‘no’, and it didn’t take too long before they weren’t so interested on Friday either. We still have this rule, but most Fridays they don’t even take advantage of it.

amother

Beige

Sun, Oct 22 2023, 9:55 am

Don’t let them touch your phones ever! Just like playing with matches! Enforce it

And just think…you want them reading your text messages etc? That comes now or next too
Take it seriously
Do you let them riffle through your private papers? Wallet? Bedroom?
Boundaries are crucial! And healthy

amother

Broom

Sun, Oct 22 2023, 9:55 am

amother OP wrote:

My husband's issue with that is they will see us with the phones so how can we ask that of them

Ummmm no sorry. Not everyone’s kids are like this. 6 and 8 year olds???
My kids play with toys and board games and card games. They play basketball and football and bikes and scooters
Once it a while I’ll let them play on my phone for about 5 mins
Sure I’m on my phone, that’s my nisayon and I work on it, but that’s not an excuse to expose your young young child to something that literally can act like a drug (trigger dopamine receptors)

amother

Melon

Sun, Oct 22 2023, 2:49 pm

I was going to recommend the Friday idea

We had this issue after covid and it has been working for us. Friday is unlimited ( so they don't feel deprived and can be up to date with whatever the friends have) and it helps us because that is the most stressful day.

The rest of the time cold turkey. That means you and your husband are also cold turkey while they are awake. You need the discipline to only use the phone for calls and text/ whatsapps when they are awake. We also have fingerprint codes on our phone and there is no access.

For friday, there is a kids tablet with games and downloaded movies, with a code, and only on friday.
We took it to Tag to get the browser removed, and there is no downloading more or browsing. 20 minute turns with timers.

It will also take a week or two for them to get back to normal behavior - the addiction is what is making them act out. You will need to be a super "on" mother for a bit until it is no longer there go to and they re- learn how to be creative and keep themselves busy.

Some idea's that worked for us during the detox period:
- after school activities or chugim ( we did a drum chug, and they practiced alot)
- invite friends over - and have a fun activity for them to do (sounds like the friends also wont know how to entertain themselves if they all are addicted)
- invest in fun physical activities and you guys need to do them with the kids
- lots of books and projects, even comic books if that's what they like
- cook and bake together

We also did a lot of trips like a zoo, aquaruim, trampoline park, bowling, took roller blades, ribstick and scooters to a skateboard park, icecream trips, pizza trips, drove to new/nice parks.....

Obviously most of that stuff is off the table in the current climate - but some of it is possible

erm

Mon, Oct 23 2023, 1:46 am

I find that when my kids have screen time it makes them want more screen time. Its easier not to allow it all. Parents doing something should not be reason to allow children to have to do it. There are differences between adults and children. that said, adults should be cognizant regarding their own screen time,
btw I think an hour a day for such young children is too much

amother

Lotus

Mon, Oct 23 2023, 8:14 am

Allow them access to the games only on a computer. Set a specific time that they can play (30 minutes, 3x a week for example). This way they can be included with their friends without the addiction and sneaky behavior. No smartphones or iPads.

amother

Firethorn

Tue, Oct 24 2023, 11:50 am

What happens on shabbos?