She hasn't offered to pay. Do I just let it go?

Java

Sat, Oct 28 2023, 10:18 pm

justforfun87 wrote:

Wow, that's incredibly nervy on her part. I think most people would think it's a bit off to not be embarrassed asking someone to contribute something close to $50. I don't really make kiddushes but this also reminds me of a time I went to someone's house for shabbos lunch and asked what I can make. She said fruit platter, nor a fruit salad. I was a little annoyed.

Someone asked me if I can bring cut up fruit for dessert for a shabbos meal
I cut up a pineapple, half a watermelon and some blueberries
Do you think that's unreasonable? I didn't.

justforfun87

Sat, Oct 28 2023, 10:24 pm

Java wrote:

Someone asked me if I can bring cut up fruit for dessert for a shabbos meal
I cut up a pineapple, half a watermelon and some blueberries
Do you think that's unreasonable? I didn't.

Think that's perfect. To me a fruit salad is more casual than a fruit platter. I was taken aback by the fruit platter response. It's just in my head. Platters are supposed to be pretty and organized while fruit salad is cut and dump.

B'Syata D'Shmya

Sun, Oct 29 2023, 12:20 am

amother OP wrote:

A good friend of mine is making a kiddush, I offered to cut up all the fruit for it. She is very grateful for the help.
I didn't realise that kiwi's were so expensive, as is the other fruit mind you. But it'll all add up to a fair amount including the containers.
We're just getting by month by month (bH, but these extras can be a problem) it's tight.
Do I just swallow the loss, or do I ask her if she can pay for it? Or at least some of it. I've also joined in for a nice balloon arrangement with other friends. That she doesn't know about yet, and has nothing to do with this extra help I've offered. I would've bought her a cake if not for doing so of this.
Wwyd?

You can mention it (and I am sure she will pay you and thats ok since you gave a gift re the balloons) but dont make an issue if she doesnt pay you and says she thought it was a gift.
Consider this a lesson in the future to be clear what you offer, ask for a budget in advance. Preparing a fruit platter(s) is much harder than a cake, if you cant do more than a cake, next time just offer a cake and leave it.

imaima

Sun, Oct 29 2023, 11:29 am

amother Peach wrote:

I would text back “for sure, should I swing by to grab your credit card or do you want to pay me back when I drop off”

But I have no issue looking cheap haha

I don’t think that would be cheap.

The poster was suggesting non-monetary help to begin with. For a family with a newborn, it is still a huge help.

I would have answered: I will gladly stop by the shop and buy a platter for you, this is my Paypal/bank account!“

amother

Cappuccino

Sun, Oct 29 2023, 12:01 pm

B'Syata D'Shmya wrote:

If the friend thought it was a gift, it would be really awkward for her if it’s mentioned now-regardless of what she ends up doing.
Of course if she’s also on Imamother, then she knows all about it, already.

Trademark

Sun, Oct 29 2023, 12:20 pm

If you offer, I think it's expected that you pay. At least that's how it works in my circles.

I did have once a friend asked me if I can make a salad, and she did pay for the ingredients. But the difference is that she asked me and I didn't initiate the offer.

amother

Yellow

Sun, Oct 29 2023, 12:40 pm

Look,

Are you asking what the socially acceptable thing to do is? It’s to pay for the fruits.

However, if you really find this a great source of resentment or financial stress, just tell her as follows

I’m really glad to help you with the fruits as I said. However I didn’t realize how much it would cost and it’s really straining me. Would you order the fruits and have them delivered to me and I’ll take care of the rest?

Being socially correct isn’t worth it if you will carry resentment.

(Sometimes the simplest route is the right route. Just communicate with her.)

amother

Junglegreen

Sun, Oct 29 2023, 1:14 pm

amother OP wrote:

Hi I have not read all the post
Tell her please order the fruit the containers etc all what you need tell her the day time u will need it it's her sincha u are being kind enough to cut it

amother

Bisque

Sun, Oct 29 2023, 1:27 pm

I would probably swallow the cost this time and not offer fruit in future. I would also stick to cheaper fruits, especially where I can bulk up the cups. I like melon as you get a lot of melon and it will fill up the cups. Also I would get smaller cups.
I usually offer baked goods as it works out the cheapest. Fruit is expensive, plus you have to get it just before and it takes ages to cut up, and you can't do it in advance.

tichellady

Sun, Oct 29 2023, 3:53 pm

If money was tight I would not want my friend to pay for fruit for my kiddush. Just tell her that you are wondering if she should buy the fruit or if she prefers you buy it and she pay you back.

amother

Ginger

Sun, Oct 29 2023, 4:14 pm

OP, there is a huge distinction between someone who planned to have fruit cups at their kiddush and told you that and you offered to cut up her fruit vs someone who is making a kiddush and YOU decide she needs fruit cups. Then you offer her cut fruit. I can’t even believe you expect her to pay
Swallow the cost and get over it

amother

Sun, Oct 29 2023, 4:52 pm

amother Ginger wrote:

Hey you're allowed to be nice, it's free as well Wink

amother

Blush

Sun, Oct 29 2023, 6:16 pm

You need to communicate. I had someone offer me to take care of something. and I'm like sure. then she said.. ok, I'll go to the grocery, and check with you for your approval.. then the thought "aaah.. she's taking care of it, but I'm paying" gotcha. It's not a problem. It was something off my schedule. and it was expensive.

If you said it with the intent to pay for it, and then you realized how expensive it is. you cant backtrack and think how you worded it, if it could have possibly meant she should pay for it. typically. if someone says "hi. you want me to cut up fruit for you"? Ok, let me know what to get.. bec. if they are paying for it, they should be choosing what fruit you cut up, no?

amother

Dandelion

Sun, Oct 29 2023, 6:17 pm

Rappel wrote:

So what's the issue? Just ask her "when do you plan on sending over the fruit?"

It sounds like you're the one who's volunteering your money against your will, not her.

I only read the first page of replies.

I think the bolded is a very smart and diplomatic way of showing her that your offer of preparing the fruits still stands but you're not planning to pay for it.

Optione

Sun, Oct 29 2023, 6:22 pm

amother OP wrote:

To be clear, it's not fruit platters. I'm cutting up the fruit into tiny pieces for whoever sets up on shabbos morning, to put into little cups. I offered for the amount of work that it entails, not for her to get out of paying for the fruit at her simcha.

Unless you said something about her buying it and then you cutting it, it's on you. I imagine that's frustrating- sorry!