How to talk to dd who doesn't speak linearly

amother

Wed, Nov 01 2023, 9:22 pm

amother Poinsettia wrote:

with my 9 year old who's very smart. I ask her to stop and think about what she she wants to say because it's hard for me to follow when she keeps changing her mind. she seems to be ok with me saying that. don't know if it'll work for a teenager though.

That's what I used to do. Now I get "Why do I have to talk the way it's easier for you? Why can't you listen the way it's easier for me?"

But there has definitely been some good ideas here. I will try doing something while we talk- if nothing else, she's less likely to notice if I'm not following. And it does help some with the mind pain of it all. I wish I knew how to deal better. I do appreciate that it helps me understand to an extent what she goes through.

amother

Hunter

Wed, Nov 01 2023, 9:22 pm

Does she have a therapist? Can her therapist guide you in how best to deal?

Yes teens are different and require a different skill set and approach

Hugs and hatzlocha

amother

Hunter

Wed, Nov 01 2023, 9:23 pm

Honestly op she is asking you an excellent question- she needs to be heard as she is
Listen with your heart

amother

Milk

Wed, Nov 01 2023, 9:44 pm

might be a maturity issue. I know someone like that - she asks me something about myself then interupts me and starts talking about somethign related to her. I don't sweat it; it's just maturity or personality imo

dena613

Thu, Nov 02 2023, 12:56 am

amother OP wrote:

"Because that's how people in the world will be able to listen to you, and because it's frustrating for both of us."

It's stressful just reading your posts, OP!

can you ask her to prepare (write down) talking points, so that she'll be able to redirect herself in conversation?

amother

Amaranthus

Thu, Nov 02 2023, 1:03 am

My 10 year old with ADD is exactly like this. We started therapy for language processing and already I see a huge difference.

amother

Oak

Thu, Nov 02 2023, 2:26 am

You should discuss this with a good speech and language practitioner. I'm an ADHD coach - it can be common with ADHD and I definitely don't see anxiety here but just because it's common doesn't mean it isn't frustrating. There are specific techniques that can help her.

Even if you take yourself out of the picture, imagine her reporting to her boss at work like this. She will quite literally lose her job. How to report on a situation clearly and in order is a life skill she needs to learn.

amother

Cyclamen

Thu, Nov 02 2023, 3:27 am

My husband is like this. He does not have ADHD, but he has some executive function issues, and I am convinced he has some language processing issues as well.

He just thinks differently - sometimes he starts talking about something and I have no idea what it is has to do with the topic. He does get there eventually, but sometimes I only understand what the relevance is 20 minutes into the conversation. Or he will start telling me about something that happened and get stuck on details and has to make sure everything is correct or he get stuck on rememebering what happened. Also gets distracted by other things he wants to trll me. He thinks associately, so he just tells me whatever comes to mind, he sees value in that, sharing all.his thoughts with me and he eventually gets to his orig8nal point, so we covered lots of things and had a great conversation. I would prefer the cliff notes, but his whole perception of sharing is just totally different than mine. He he is sharing all.his thoughts and feelings and events, and that is more important than if he packages the conversation neatly.

Example:
I have some great news! On Wednesday last week, I was talking with Shmuli aboit how to improve our project. No wait, was it Wednesday or Thursday? Shmuli only comes to work on Wednesdays. Thats' the day we take care of our project together. He takes care of the processing part and I take care of the programming part. Do you remember who Shmuli is? So if Shmuli was in, it was Wednesday. Yes, Wednesday. So on Wednesday last week I was talking with Shmulik about how to.advance our project. Then yesterday I ate lunch with my boss Eitan. And guess what? I ordered a salad. A really good one with tuna and bean sprouts. It was big and pretty filling. Arent you proud of me for eting healthy? But later I was hungry again and ate some cookies. I really want to lose more weight, which is why I ordered the salad, but sometimes it doesn't fill me up enough and someone brought cookies so I had some but next time I won't because im trying to eat healthier.when I weighed myself this week, I was 2 pounss heavier than last week, but still less than last month. So I talked to my boss Eitan about my frustrations with my project not going anywhere. Do you remeber that I told you about that last week? DID I tell you? Yes I told you, Iemember now, it was when we were in the car on the way to my parents. No, it was on the back, because the baby fell asleep. So just to remind you of what I told you last week, the problems with my project are that the product doesnt so what it is supposed to do and they redesigned it and now a lot of my work is useless and I am stuck.doing other thjngs but they are kind of boring. So I was telling Eitan how I don't have so much to do and I am frustrated because the team.is prioritizing things differently than I would and I have some suggestions as to how to maximize the lroducts potential. But it turns out that Eitan wanted to talk to me for a totally different reason, he says he knows I have been frustrated but I am doing a really good job, and so guess what? I GOT A RAISE!

Basically, he could have just told me he got a raise without the entire middle of the conversation. But he wss so happy to share all those other things with me and to him they felt necessary to the story, his story is incomplete without the correct day of the week or what was in his salad or how much he weighs today
And also he got to sheare with me how he talked and worked with Shmuli and how he is trying to eat healthier and about his interactions with his boss, he is sharing his feelings with .me through those as well.

Now because I have adhd, he often loses me, but I learned to just keep listening until he gets to wherever he is going and that if he finds value in saying these things, I should just listen. And if at the end I am not enitely sure about something, I just ask questions like in any conversation. If I know I have limited time, I tell him up front so he has time to adjust how long he talks for - jot a prefect system, but he knows in advance jow long I have, so he doesn't take it too personally, though he might atill be disappointed or frustrated if he wanted to talk more. But I make sure to clear time when he can talk to me for a while.

amother

Bellflower

Thu, Nov 02 2023, 4:31 am

amother OP wrote:

She has severe adhd. It's medicated as well as it's going to be. I get where it's coming from, but don't know how to deal. My dh who has mild adhd gets her completely and can just roll with it, somehow.

High doses of omega 3. I take 2-3 capsules every day.
Zink
Magnesium at night:
are all things that help me stay focused and have scientifically shown to work.

Find out triggers for tornado-brain.
For me it is any sugar. I still eat it, but I get very disoriented.
Some people react very badly to colorants and msg.

Writing down thoughts:
You will write down a keyword for each topic she brings up. If she is a visual learner, you can make tiny symbols to represent the topics. Sit next to her while talking.
Point to the one she came to you for and say gently (again and again), 'lets finish with this thought first/lets continue talking about this/ lets close this subject'. After she finds her solution, continue to the next most important subject. When you have to get up, hold on to the list, and tell her that you will continue talking later.

amother

Chestnut

Thu, Nov 02 2023, 5:18 am

amother Milk wrote:

Or ADHD.