Big sister bullying the other -WWYD

amother

Lightcoral

Fri, Nov 10 2023, 9:22 am

amother Valerian wrote:

I doubt it. She's doing it because it's genuinely hard for her. Maybe to bring attention to that fact, but I doubt it's her main goal.

Many kids do things for attention, it’s just part of life. But if they are hurting someone in the process it needs to be stopped. And it is very likely don’t know why you doubt it.

amother

Valerian

Fri, Nov 10 2023, 9:25 am

amother OP wrote:

What exactly should I be doing?

I have talked to older sister about how hard it is etc. I've done the empathy thing many times. She's been to therapy many times to help her process and to get tools for managing her emotions around all this.

My expectation is for my 11 year old is to not bully her sister. That's all.

The 11 year old has friends and is quite popular.

I was thinking, one area where you can be firm is, let your daughter know what you are the parent. You are dealing with all chinuch, behavioral, etc...issues with your younger daughter. Let your older daughter know that it's not her place to instruct her younger sister - that is your place, not hers. (if she has any issues, she can come to you with them of course, but she should not be trying to change her sister on her own.)

She probably thinks she can instruct her sister in how to behave, what she should say, what she should do. Typical adolescent. But this plays into an unhealthy dynamic, so it's a good idea to stop it if this is taking place.

amother

Valerian

Fri, Nov 10 2023, 9:27 am

amother Lightcoral wrote:

Many kids do things for attention, it’s just part of life. But if they are hurting someone in the process it needs to be stopped. And it is very likely don’t know why you doubt it.

Yes, many kids do things for attention, but in this case I doubt it, because I have been there.

She wants out of this situation. One day as she grows up she will realize she can't change the world.

amother

Fri, Nov 10 2023, 9:31 am

amother Khaki wrote:

Think about what she really likes. It might mean not going out with friends for a certain amount of time (or once, if there's one time during the week that she always goes out with friends and will really feel it). It might mean not having a certain treat (Shabbos party, if you have that) or not being allowed to ride her bike, or confiscating her sticker collection for a certain amount of time. It might mean losing phone privileges, any screen time she might have, or being allowed to stay up late on weekends. It might mean having an earlier bedtime for a few days or missing the weekly trip to the library or not being allowed to leave the house (remember the concept of being grounded?) for a certain amount of time.

It just has to meet the criteria of making a big statement, being something she cares about, but not completely shattering her (e.g., making her stay in her room for an entire Shabbos).

Thank you for these examples. I'll have to think about this. I appreciate your post.

amother

Fri, Nov 10 2023, 9:39 am

amother Valerian wrote:

Yes! And we talked about this many times and this was one of the parts of her therapy was that I am the parent and she can't make her younger sister act a certain way and it's not her responsibility. It really comes from wishing she was different and hoping that if she yells at her or corrects her, younger sister will improve. The embarrassment is another thing. She wishes for a "normal" cute younger sister. I get it, I understand the why, it's still not ok. Older sister is not getting that message.

I would prefer positive reinforcement but I'm not sure how it would play out. Older sister may bribe younger sister to lie. I'm thinking I need something that happens each time I see or hear it.

Thank you ladies for your encouraging posts.
Another stone, please feel free to leave the discussion.

notshanarishona

Fri, Nov 10 2023, 10:14 am

Does your 6 year old have a shadow in school? I don’t think they should be sitting next to each other on the bus. 11 year old should be sitting with her friends and 6 year old with her class. They should not ever be together in school settings anyway, typically 1st and 6th don’t have the same lunch, recess, hallways, etc so the main issue is likely bus time. Maybe this can be avoided by you driving them? Think outside of the box, you can’t make your 11 year old not be embarrassed of her sister but you can make it that she doesn’t have to be near her sister in front of her friends on a daily basis.

amother

Maple

Fri, Nov 10 2023, 10:27 am

amother Pewter wrote:

You said the younger sister needs the services provided by their current School. What about the older one? Maybe let her know that if she bullies her little sister in this environment you'll have to send her somewhere else...

Yeah. Give her a reason (leaving her friends) to hate her sister forever.
If she thought her sister is ruining her life before, imagine after.

She's 11. Still a child.
Remind her over and over that bullying is not acceptable.
But don't destroy her.

amother

Bronze

Fri, Nov 10 2023, 11:16 am

I cannot agree more with the poster who pointed out that first graders and sixth graders rarely see each other in school, that the issue is most likely the bus and entrance and dismissal times, and that taking at least one of them by car may be an effective, out of the box, solution. I also encourage you to reach out to your local Special Needs organization because many of them have special activities for siblings of kids with special needs (without their siblings included). It's very important for your daughter to hear that she's not the only one, that it's somewhat normal to be embarrassed of your sibling with special needs, and to share chizuk and strategies with eachother. Finally, for the imas who are equating the feelings with typical sibling embarrassment, I just want to point out that the picture can sometimes be more embarrassing than you are painting it... some kids with special needs have extremely poor hygiene, may say highly inappropriate things, and may have unusual movement patterns. It is not a justification for bullying, but I just want to explain that the feelings may be closer to mortification than mild discomfort. It's a lot to ask an 11 year old to see the bigger picture when she may be feeling such strong feelings. In addition, signing your older child up for as many after school activities as possible (and your younger child for as many out of school supports as would be appropriate: tutoring, various therapies), may minimize their interactions and ultimately enhance their relationship.