Uncontrollable tantrums

amother

Thu, Dec 07 2023, 8:30 am

My 3 year old daughter has been having tantrums about EVERYTHING and I’m losing it. Anytime she wants anything and doesn’t get it she throws a tantrum, when we do something she doesn’t like, when we are not following on her every whim. How am I supposed to parent her when she doesn’t listen to logic, stay in timeouts, and we don’t want to patch?

AlwaysGrateful

Thu, Dec 07 2023, 8:39 am

When my oldest was at this phase it was so hard. I'm going to answer as if this is your oldest. If this is your sixth kid and this isn't a normal phase, please let us know. Based on your OP, though, it seems like normal "terrible twos" that hit many kids at age three.

There is no reason to give timeouts because of tantrums at this age. Right now, when she feels big feelings, she doesn't know how to process them like we do. So she tantrums.

To a parent, it can feel like we're not parenting right if she keeps on tantrumming. The thing is that it's 100% normal at this age, even healthy. It's just hard -- for them, for us, for everyone within earshot.

Imagine that someone said "My newborn is waking up every few hours and crying until I feed her! I'm exhausted! How am I supposed to parent her?"

Yes, it's exhausting. But it's also age-appropriate. Feeding her every few hours IS parenting her.

In this case, not giving in to her IS parenting her. And letting her tantrum. Now, there's a difference between a meltdown and a tantrum. If she's tantrumming in order to get her way, I would ignore it and walk away. If she's melting down because she's disappointed or frustrated, I would offer to hold her, stroke her hair, give her comfort in any way that she finds helpful. It's sometimes hard to tell the difference. And more importantly, view this as an opportunity to work on your middah of patience. It's SO much harder to be patient as a parent to a three year old than it has ever been before. YOu will mess up and lose your patience sometimes. But as long as you're working on it, trying really hard, you are a successful parent.

giftedmom

Thu, Dec 07 2023, 10:00 am

amother OP wrote:

Toddlers aren’t good at either. But why do you need her to listen to logic or stay in timeout? What happens if you just stick to your boundary and don’t give in?

BrooklynBee

Thu, Dec 07 2023, 10:09 am

I would also use the opportunity to help her understand her feelings. Like saying "You're really upset that I didn't let you do _" etc.
If the tantrum is hurting someone or breaking something I would set a limit and give her acceptable options like "You're really upset that I didn't let you do _, but _ is not for _ (I'm not for hitting- a neutral limit) and then "you can choose to hit your pillow or you can choose to rip paper" etc.
I'm a therapist and use this technique with kids, I repeat it as many times as they need.