I'm so irritated by her stupid teenage behavior...

amother

Tue, Dec 26 2023, 4:18 pm

Thank you all for your wonderful replies.

I keep wondering if most of this behavior is typical for a 13 year old. Maybe it is? My memory is telling me that when I was that age most of my age group was quite insecure. Most of us have grown into supremely confident women. Some not.

Do I feel comfortable with myself? Absolutely. Back when I was a teen I was hell as insecure, however, life has made me a tough, confident woman today. I could be the CEO of a huge company.

Although I like the idea of doing something we both enjoy, there is nothing I can think of that I'd enjoy doing together with her because her immature behavior triggers me.

She has already had intensive Speech therapy and other therapy to help her achieve more academically, but she's still getting C's, D's and F's in many subjects.

It's possible that the reason why all this triggers me is that back when I had these traits people seemed to take advantage of me, causing me untold pain. Having a stronger sense of self would've helped.

I can't stop wondering, are mothers typically ok with their insecure teens? How are you supposed to unconditionally love a child who has some of your least favorite traits?

amother

Dodgerblue

Tue, Dec 26 2023, 5:25 pm

amother OP wrote:

You need to make peace & be ok with the marks she's getting. Not every girl is academically smart & that is totally ok! The important thing is that she tries the best she can, marks don't matter. You need to show her that you're happy & proud with her trying her best, regardless of her marks. I hope she doesn't feel your attitude towards her & it's making her feel stupid and low self esteem.

amother

Tue, Dec 26 2023, 5:47 pm

kugelEater wrote:

Let's break this down. What about her behavior is so triggering for you? Why is it immature?

The weird hand gestures, the irritating complaints and cut-offs mid-conversation when I'm just trying to make her happy, the timidness, not knowing how to be socially cool, saying all kinds of annoying things in a random conversation, choosing to make herself small, and giving up on things before starting.

With my younger daughter, our conversations have a sense of both of us participating in it. She is aware of how I feel and I'm aware of how she feels. There's a smooth energy flow beacuse both are somewhat sensitive to each other needs during the conversation. With my teen this doesn't happen, it's just me and a child who demands a ton of patience.

amother

Dodgerblue

Tue, Dec 26 2023, 5:57 pm

amother OP wrote:

STOP COMPARING HER TO YOUR YOUNGER DAUGHTER!!! You're just being so unfair to her! Lose your expectations of her that she must be like her sister or the way you want her to be, and love her for who she is!!!
Go get therapy for yourself if needed, but just please accept your daughter for who she is. She's probably sensing your attitude towards her & that is contributing to her being insecure. You must learn to accept her for who she is, stop comparing her to your other daughter, and know that every person is different & a world for themselves. It is so horrible for a child to grow up in the shadow of their sibling that their parents like more then them.
INSTEAD OF TRYING TO CHANGE HER, WORK ON CHANGING YOURSELF AND YOUR ATTITUDE TOWARDS HER.

amother

Honey

Tue, Dec 26 2023, 6:02 pm

You sound like my mother. I always irritated her. She always said why can't I be like my younger sister. I have no relationship with her today. And I am severely damaged from that attitude. It affects me in ever area of life. What you are doing is terrible. Get yourself help now to learn how to stop.

amother

Tue, Dec 26 2023, 6:11 pm

I just want to note that the reason for making that comparison was only to explain a point, that she lacks a certain social awareness and coolness. I'm careful not to show any favoritism.

I also want to say that I work hard to find opportunities to give her compliments and approval. And I DO try to do whatever I can tolerate, like make her a special sandwich for lunch, spend a bit more on the nice outfits she wants, chat with her every day after school and allow her a bit more freedom in having fun with friends.

My own mother didn't put in this kind of effort or have any level of self awareness here.

amother

Currant

Tue, Dec 26 2023, 7:03 pm

amother OP wrote:

A few things you mentioned in this post make me wonder about ADD.

amother

Tue, Dec 26 2023, 8:27 pm

amother Currant wrote:

A few things you mentioned in this post make me wonder about ADD.

Hm...She's been evaluated and I was told she was weak in receptive and expressive language. Also, failing in school in an environment of uber smart kids doesn't help a child's confidence.

amother

Currant

Tue, Dec 26 2023, 10:09 pm

amother OP wrote:

Hm...She's been evaluated and I was told she was weak in receptive and expressive language. Also, failing in school in an environment of uber smart kids doesn't help a child's confidence.

Interesting, was she diagnosed with a language processing disorder? In some ways that can look similar to ADD.

amother

Currant

Tue, Dec 26 2023, 10:33 pm

amother OP wrote:

Hm...She's been evaluated and I was told she was weak in receptive and expressive language. Also, failing in school in an environment of uber smart kids doesn't help a child's confidence.

I think that frum parents need to reassess what we consider smart and what we value. Especially in the girls' schools, it seems to me that there is a huge emphasis on rote memorization. Those who can memorize easily are the ones who get A's and are therefore viewed as smart.

We all know that in real life, the ability to memorize is probably the least important talent. My tortured point is that your dd might very well have other strengths that are simply not valued by her school. That means that YOU need to help her recognize and develop them. She can improve her self-confidence by knowing what her strengths are.

Believe me, I know how hard it is to go to parent teacher conferences and hear much less than an enthusiastic review. Don't just accept their opinions. Your job as advocate means trying to help her teachers see the strengths that you see in your dd, and maybe give them pointers on how they can be encouraging.
/quietly steps off soapbox.

familyfirst

Wed, Dec 27 2023, 12:11 am

Your daughter has grit. Incredible that she keeps working so hard for her very average marks.

Studies show that it isn’t the “a” student that is the successful entrepreneur. It is the “c”’student with grit, who disciplined themselves to work hard for results, that are often more successful than the “a”. And by the way, it’s usually the c that hires the a.

Concentrate on those qualities. So much to be proud of. Your daughter is disciplined, nurturing, respectful, and keeps trying. Embrace those qualities and tell her how proud you are!!

Also, spend the extra money to make her feel well dressed. Way cheaper than therapy:)
Get her nice clothes, accessories etc. don’t overdo it, but being proud of her physical appearance will boost her self esteem.

Success10

Thu, Dec 28 2023, 2:10 am

I think it's very self aware of you to realize she's triggering you. Meaning, it might not make sense, but something about her persona is touching a raw nerve from your past. I think most people have "trigger child". Hashem gives them to us to force us to revisit those painful things we thought were safely stored away in our subconcious. And deal with them. I'm not saying it's easy. But you've done the first step by being self aware.