If youre the main breadwinner

jewjew85

Sun, Jan 07 2024, 12:55 am

Hi OP!
Ok first what is your husband in school for? Is this just temporary and one day he will make a lot of money?
My husband had a very low paying job for a few years and I totally didn’t respect him and was really unhappy with it. My parent always make comments: well I told you this before you got married, tell you’re husband to get a real job etc. it was not easy. My husband actually went back to school for a masters while doing this less then job and actually just got a job in an unrelated field which is the potential to make lots of money hopefully. But same prob as you in terms of personality, he’s very nice and sweet and don’t think he has a hustler go gettem personality so I often wonder how far this careers will take him. Anyway, I can relate- at least he is in school? And the parents comments are so annoying and I have to tell them what can I do this is my life, pls don’t make me feel bad. But I would not change it for the world! My husband may not be making alot of money but he makes up for it in so many other ways. Maybe your husband can get a side job or something remote? If the problem is getting to big for you to handle I would suggest a couples therapist where sometimes it’s eaisee to say how you feel.
Also what other people said about not having more kids, I totally agree. If you can’t afford them now money won’t just fall from the sky when you have another baby…

amother

Sun, Jan 07 2024, 1:03 am

jewjew85 wrote:

He is not in school for anything. Its a trade type of job which requires a lot of hustle and business smart which he clearly doesnt have. There is a lot of room for growth but he just doesnt make much. He is only able to cover playgroup, I cover every other expense. We are in couples counseling, but that requires money which we dont have a lot of extra of. Bulk of parnassa is on my shoulders which is so stressful. I tutored kids tonight until 10 PM. I am 9 months pregnant and exhausted. I have no interest in it and it is frustrating, but I am good at my job and we need the money. My husband is not interested in getting a regular 9-5. He wants to work on his business...

jewjew85

Sun, Jan 07 2024, 1:07 am

amother OP wrote:

He is not in school for anything. It’s a trade type of job which requires a lot of hustle and business smart which he clearly doesnt have. There is a lot of room for growth but he just doesnt make much. He is only able to cover playgroup, I cover every other expense. We are in couples counseling, but that requires money which we dont have a lot of extra of. Bulk of parnassa is on my shoulders which is so stressful. I tutored kids tonight until 10 PM. I am 9 months pregnant and exhausted. I have no interest in it and it is frustrating, but I am good at my job and we need the money. My husband is not interested in getting a regular 9-5. He wants to work on his business...

I’m so so sorry that is so frustrating and nothing I say will help. I have def been there. Would he be interested in switching jobs? As much as he would love to have his own business maybe he can’t-have you tried calling any community places - I hear sometimes they give some money towards counseling

amother

Sun, Jan 07 2024, 1:13 am

jewjew85 wrote:

I want to believe in him and believe that he will succeed because it is a good career but for now it is hard since I don't see the fruition of his labor. He comes up with dumb ideas for other jobs (I don't tell him they are dumb ideas, I just gently guide him if I can). I just wonder if this will always be my life. If we will always be living paycheck to paycheck, if I will always be worrying about purchases big and small, if we will ever be able to buy. If my parents will ever stop thinking badly about him. Etc...

jewjew85

Sun, Jan 07 2024, 1:23 am

amother OP wrote:

I understand. I wonder too. They will probably stop thinking badly once he starts earning money-paycheck. To paycheck is the worst. I don’t want to transfer money out of savings to buy lunch for myself! It sucks!
How did you grow up? That can affect it as well. I grew up wealthy so my father looks down on DH- it’s getting better now tho with his new job

amother

Sun, Jan 07 2024, 1:57 am

jewjew85 wrote:

I grew up very comfortably, going on vacations all the time etc.
And wow you get it... I also dont want to transfer money out of our measly savings to pay for a grocery shop!
How long are you married? How do your in laws view your husband?

amother

Coral

Sun, Jan 07 2024, 2:03 am

amother OP wrote:

Then my mother said "if you married someone wealthy or educated you wouldnt be so stressed all the time"
I know they are right and it hurts me that this is my reality but what do they want me to do.

No.
There are two parts to Emunah in this question.
1. assuming that if you had money you'd be less stressed. Everyone has different challenges. This is the challenge you were given. If you were meant to have it easier, you would have it easier.
2. your challenge may not be to have more money but to work on finding menuchas hanefesh in the situation you are in. It's hard, I should know, I've been working on it for years. But if you've done your maximum hishtadlus which it sounds like you are, then you need to work on letting go.

Apart from your mothers attitude being unhelpful, it actually is a lack of emunah. Before you get married you can take that into account. Afterwards, it's a lack of emunah to get busy with the what ifs.

I know it sounds impractical and holy, but what really helped me was learning a sefer on Emunah.

jewjew85

Sun, Jan 07 2024, 2:05 am

amother OP wrote:

Yea same got everything I wanted I guess my parents wanted my husband to support me the same way.. like they worked their butt off so should he - idk.
4 years they support whatevr he wants to do.
What about you? We were pay Check to pay check until recently it’s so hard I cried all the time I told my husband the other day I’m so happy I can buy a salad and it’s not bankrupting us