Leaving an aging parent for Aliyah

amother

Mintcream

Wed, Nov 22 2023, 1:04 pm

amother Charcoal wrote:

So much guilt tripping on this thread, exactly what unhealthy parents do to their adult children.

I grew up in an abusive home and have cut off both my parents for years (on limited speaking terms now). And I disagree with you. This thread is discussing normal kibbud av Vem under normal circumstances. And it's not about parents who are holding their kids back. It's about adult children who want to make sure their parents are taken care of because it's the right thing to do. And because they have gratitude. No guilt tripping.

And I'm not saying they can't make aliyah, just all the specific details should be discussed with a rav. If the parents were/are abusive and it's near impossible for the child to live near them or care for them, I'm sure that the rav takes that into the equation.

amother

Forsythia

Wed, Nov 22 2023, 2:31 pm

amother OP wrote:

My husband has a complicated relationship with my mom, for good reason. He said if we didn't go because of her he would be resentful for the rest of his life.

I thought that after marriage a wife doesn’t have an obligation toward her parents anymore because her husband takes precedence. But a husband is still obligated to care for his parents. AYLOR.

amother

Tulip

Wed, Nov 22 2023, 2:43 pm

Phoebe31 wrote:

I wonder if this is community dependent but many people I know move away from their parents and don't care for them in old age. In fact, more people I know don't live near their parents than do, it is very unusual where I am from to stay where you grew up. I don't think it's violating kibud av, you have to live where it works for your family.

Genuinely curious how they handle ailing parents. Just leave them in the custody of who- nursing home? The state?

amother

Gardenia

Wed, Nov 22 2023, 3:26 pm

I'm confused
Forget about aliyah. If the two spouses are from different cities, on opposite sides of the country, how are they supposed to be available to take care of both sets of parents when they get older? Seems like some posters are suggesting that this is their obligation.

My story - my husband and I grew up in different countries. My husband moved to my country to find a wife and after we married we stayed in my country. My in laws remained in their country. Subsequently, each of my siblings in law were unsuccessful in finding a spouse in their country and moved to the country of their spouse (where the spouse was studying/employed) and settled there. In laws are alone in their country. Are posters suggesting that one of the children need to move back to take care of them? This is not an option for any of us for many reasons.
BH my in laws are still capable of taking care of themselves, but when they need help, the only logical thing to happen is for them to move to be near one of their children.

amother

Tulip

Wed, Nov 22 2023, 4:08 pm

amother Gardenia wrote:

This was the case in my family & my grandparents moved to be near their children. The children living overseas spent weeks at a time, many times a year in the country where the parents moved- they no longer had minor children.

amother

Wed, Nov 22 2023, 6:35 pm

amother Tulip wrote:

The reason for moving is irrelevant. What will you do when your parents need help. Move back? Bring them to you? Are other siblings nearby who are capable? Basically you need to do something other than hiring an aid or placing them in a nursing home.

For years I had an elderly neighbor with dementia who was only visited about once a week by her only child. There were aids there 24/7 but she was horribly cared for, probably abused. Don't do that to your parents.

You are all making very valid points. I do have a sibling that is capable and local. Is it fair to leave that burden on them though. I think leaving with absolutely no support is completely different.

Phoebe31

Mon, Nov 27 2023, 1:42 pm

amother Tulip wrote:

Genuinely curious how they handle ailing parents. Just leave them in the custody of who- nursing home? The state?

Sometimes, the parents move to the city they are in but otherwise they fend for themselves and yes, eventually go into assisted living.

amother

Azure

Sun, Jan 07 2024, 7:01 am

I don't think you don't make aliya because of this, but planning for the stage when they need help needs to be part of the conversation.

Saying this as a daughter who's parents made aliya in there late 30's and did not think about/ realize how hard it would be for them as there parents age.

Some things to think about:
What financial resources do the parents have/ how dependent on you will they be?
Will you be able to contribute financially to the care if you make the move?
Will you be able to take on responsibilities such as paperwork and logistics?
Will you be able to move the aging parent to Israel at the end of life?

My mother has basically come to an agreement with her sister, that while they are still able to be independent and live in there own home she takes the brunt of the responsibility.
When they reach the stage of needing an aid/assisted living, they will move them to my parents home.

I do think you need to discuss with your sister before dumping the responsibility on her

amother

Vermilion

Sun, Jan 07 2024, 7:11 am

amother Azure wrote:

You bumped an older thread