Will walking around in a snood effect my kids shidduchim?

amother

Tulip

Fri, Jan 12 2024, 6:12 am

amother Peony wrote:

You always get a yes when looking into a boy unsolicited for your girl? Wow. You must be really special. Most girls have a much harder time unless they strictly wait for boys side to approach them with a yes.

We don’t ask snood or sheitel but when asking for a family description we often hear something like “the mother is very down to earth and comfortable with herself. She doesn’t need to dress up and use makeup every time she goes out. A snood (or tichel/scarf etc.) is just fine with her.”
It paints a certain picture. I happen to be ok with it but I know that many aren’t.

I find it interesting that you get this information sometimes. References are trying to say POSITIVE things about the family, and if they're not, someone should clue them in that they should put different references on the resume.

I have literally asked about hundreds of girls as I have/had multiple boys in shidduchim, and I have never heard this description. I HAVE heard a lot of "she does tons of chesed, they are such warm people, put together etc," which honestly makes me feel so inadequate as I DON'T do tons of chesed TMI

. (I hope nobody rejects me because of that, but they probably do).

Also, people judge you on so many things, the shaitel/tichel is just one small aspect. It's almost impossible to control anyway.

IME, I have a much easier time getting a yes from a balabatish family (even though we are a simple family) than from a Rosh Yeshiva type family. So many things beyond our control... money, looks, yichus... so important in shidduchim but so not something we have much control over.

Chayalle

Fri, Jan 12 2024, 6:18 am

amother Peony wrote:

I want to respond to this that girls have a harder time getting boys to look into them because the boys have so many resumes. But once they looked into DD...yes, we rarely didn't get a yes. (I'm not tulip). I guess my wearing a snood to the grocery didn't make a difference, or they didn't even ask about it.

Chayalle

Fri, Jan 12 2024, 6:38 am

amother Candycane wrote:

I dress Baltimore in Lakewood also. So does everyone I know. Because we (collective we) don’t do this shtus.

There is absolutely a time and a place for everything. Snoods at the grocery store. Later today, I will be taking my kids to Orthodontist, a frum office, and I know all the other moms will be wearing a beret or snood or tichel or whatever. Just like me. Shul or a simcha or work - sheitels and real clothing and makeup. A fully madeup face, shabbos clothing, etc. is socially off in the wrong setting, Lakewood or not unless you were coming over from somewhere that you needed to be dressed that way.

Yes and no though.
I have a neighbor whom I consider to be the former Queen of England's rival. She is always 100% put-together. This woman, who is in her 80's BAH, is always made-up, wearing heels, perfectly presentable and elegant.
I consider her to be as individual and non-conforming as a simple plain Jane from OOT. Because she is doing herself. She isn't conforming to everyone else. She's authentic to how she feels and enjoys being. And she is never, ever socially off.
She is warm and welcoming and accepting, and we have a wonderful relationship even though we are so different.
I see judgement as going in both directions and to me, the point is about being yourself, and accepting of others who are different than you. Instead of - I do everything right and everyone should do everything my way.

amother

Crystal

Fri, Jan 12 2024, 6:39 am

I don't think it is specifically the snood that would be the issue..
I know that when people look into potential shidduchim, it is just a certain type that would go out in a snood all the time (I think everyone does it once in a blue). There is nothing right or wrong about it. But if someone is looking for a put together family for their child they may say no to you because snoods do give off a less put together impression.
Yes I know you can be super put together even in a snood and have a matching pre-tied for each outfit and spend more time putting it on than a sheitel etc but that is just how it goes!
If you don't mind giving off that impression, than go for it!
BTW, I personally know a lot of down to earth, not crazy materialistic type of people who would say no to a shidduch if they knew the mother does not put on a sheitel to go out.

Also, OT and not to derail the thread, but Lakewood is a great place with a lot of good and if you don't like the materialistic part of then don't move here and don't bash it! (This is not to OP)

watergirl

Fri, Jan 12 2024, 6:39 am

This thread is one of those times when The Kichels said it better. Last week actually I think.

Rochi was (finally) going on a date. So the Mrs. Kichel was making everyone crazy fixing the house because "we don't want him to think we are that kind of person" who would do XYZ, ie the things they DO do. So she was trying to cover up who they really are so the date doesn't think they are "that type".

This is what this OP and thread are about. If you are the "type" to wear a snood in public (the horror!), then you are still the "type", even if you go out in a sheitel.

Rabbi Hauer is on Halacha Headlines pretty often and he says often that shidduch dating is the world's best Broadway play. That's what this is.

boysrus

Fri, Jan 12 2024, 9:10 am

amother Whitewash wrote:

I've served as a shidduch reference and I've never had anyone ask about how the mother dresses let alone snood vs sheitel. Any question about style, tznius, or wardrobe is about the girl only.

Agreed. Mom of boys here. It never occurred to me to ask about the way the girls mom dress. And believe me I have made calls about maybe 50 girls at least!

amother

Whitewash

Fri, Jan 12 2024, 9:55 am

boysrus wrote:

Agreed. Mom of boys here. It never occurred to me to ask about the way the girls mom dress. And believe me I have made calls about maybe 50 girls at least!

I feel like it's one of those shidduch myths, like questions about plastic tablecloths or scrape vs stack. 99.9% of people don't ask or care about these things. But because one or two people do, people start talking and gossiping about the latest craziness and before you know it, it's filtered down and people are expecting these sorts of questions across the board.

amother

Peony

Fri, Jan 12 2024, 10:13 am

boysrus wrote:

Agreed. Mom of boys here. It never occurred to me to ask about the way the girls mom dress. And believe me I have made calls about maybe 50 girls at least!

Nobody asks how the girls mom dresses but they do ask to describe the family. We just heard of a family that was described as very out of town. When asked what that means part of the description was the casual dress.

kenz

Sun, Jan 14 2024, 9:48 am

amother Orchid wrote:

I live in Israel and wear shaitels only to simchas pretty much. I will travel across the country with a tichel. And I've BH married off kids.

I'm surprised by people using pretieds as the alternative though. I thought those were completely out of style. I mostly see people wearing tichels that they tie themselves. I loved pretieds but haven't been able to find any in at least 2 years.

The ones with short “tails” went out years ago but the ones available now are made with long tails to look as much like regular tichels that you tie yourself as possible. They’re available in all the “snood” stores including many online. One I like a lot is Valerie’s, it’s located in Chicago but free shipping over a certain amount and great sales.