Honored at Dinner -BIL and SIL not coming

Queen Of Hearts

Thu, Feb 08 2024, 9:51 am

zaq wrote:

I disagree with the italicized. Married couples are a unit. Just as one doesn't send a separate invitation to each spouse unless they're legally or illegally separated G-d forbid, each spouse isn't required to send a separate RSVP, whether it's acceptance or regrets. AIUI, the dhs are brothers, which means that it makes perfect sense for the two of them to be talking about this shindig. Who says it's always the women who have to make the social arrangements? It is safe to assume that a husband will let his wife know that his brother and sister-in-law will be absent and why, and a mature and rational woman would understand that it's quite all right for her husband and his brother to talk to each other. There is no need for the sister-in-law to put in her two cents' worth, too. Would it be nice? Sure. Necessary? Not at all. And she certainly doesn't have to apologize for having a prior commitment.

💯
It was more of a response to OP asking if she should reach out to her sil.
I don't think her sil owes her anything.
But if someone does go out of their way to try to be nice it should be her sil. Not her.
If I wouldn't make it to my sils dinner I would probably text her a little something to show I care about her being honored.

And an apology is definitely not owed. Her sil does not have to cancel her Shabbos plans for her dinner.

amother

Periwinkle

Thu, Feb 08 2024, 10:41 am

OP I think it really matters why you are being honored. If you are donating 2 million dollars for a wing of a yeshiva then I can see inviting my siblings. Buying a Sefer Torah is also up there. Sorry but what exactly do you want, your family to get babysitters, get dressed up, travel an hour, sit through many speeches, hear you speak for 20 min. and go home. Tape it for them and send the clips to your family. They will be thrilled to see it this way. I am sure you worked hard for this but it sounds like a personal pride in the organization. Mazel Tov!

amother

Bluebell

Thu, Feb 08 2024, 1:31 pm

amother Periwinkle wrote:

Well its a bit more than that. Nobody wants an empty family table. Its like no one coming to your simcha.

That being said, it has to work for people to.show up.

In my and my husbands family we've had several siblings honored, often for organizations that we know they give their kishkas to. Even if its several.hours drive we really try to go just to show that suppport.

But if we had prior plans, nope.
Back when we needed babysitters only one went.

Either way we buy an add!!!

amother

Thu, Feb 08 2024, 1:40 pm

amother Bluebell wrote:

Nice to hear!
As an added point , the Shabbaton was not a prior engagement like some posters assumed. They said they were coming to the dinner and then told my husband that they are not coming.
Either way though, you all made good points and I really do see it differently now.

amother

Thu, Feb 08 2024, 7:43 pm

amother Blue wrote:

A lot of people were being really harsh, I admire how calm you are

I appreciate it - you have to be okay with being vulnerable here on Imamother . I really do appreciate the responses. It made me realize how special and meaningful this honor is for me , and that it’s very personal , and not a tangible simcha that I can expect others to feel.

B'Syata D'Shmya

Thu, Feb 08 2024, 9:04 pm

amother OP wrote:

Maybe it was good you got it out here. For SB sake, its really not worth bringing up and may Hashem reward you with more hatzlacha and nachas from your work.

On a personal note, I do work in a chessed that will never give me any public "honor" but at the end of the day, I thank Hashem for the ability to do it - its all His success, not mine. The chessed we do is in His honor.

ETA - But I do have to be honest, I would never ask anyone to leave their kids to honor me or any organization I support. Give tzedaka, generously, but your spare time is for your kids and dh. I dont need the four hours the dinner will require. I have had weeks where I had an obligation to leave my kids with babysitters night after night, and its not good for them. You have to draw the line somewhere and someone will be hurt/insulted/ have an empty chair at their table (of course I respond in advance that Im not coming etc but it was pointed out that you dont want an empty table with no one supporting you).
Please know that by not making a stink about this, you are helping your BIL/SIL's marriage. Isnt that a bigger chessed?

amother

Offwhite

Thu, Feb 08 2024, 9:48 pm

I understand why you're upset, especially if you have a strained relationship with this SIL.

However altruistic a person is, being honored for our accomplishments is a chance to show the world that we've "made it", that we're appreciated. And the main people who we hope will get the message are those who don't really rub us the right way. We kind of want to prove ourselves to them and earn their respect.

So now, your BIL and SIL are rejecting this opportunity to see you being put on a pedestal, to show them "see? I really am someone you should be proud to be related to."

Of course that stings.

siddur

Fri, Feb 09 2024, 8:56 am

amother Offwhite wrote:

This is so true

amother

Firethorn

Sun, Feb 11 2024, 8:45 am

amother OP wrote:

This is a very precious point.
It's your personal simcha because you have worked so much for it and is so meaningful for you. And because its so personal to you, there is no way anyone else can relate and appreciate it how important its for you besides the people close to you who are in it with you!

Enjoy being celebrated for your achievements!