Help me figure this out 14 and need space

amother

Mon, Feb 12 2024, 10:16 pm

My 14 year old son is high functioning autistic in a mainstream school with his brother 10 year old.
They come home at the same time
and every single day he says 10 year old should not go near him since he needs space. This lasts for around half an hour. He forces him to go to other room and will chase him away if he doesn’t. Then I have to bring food to 10 year old. I don’t mind this setup but it’s just not a normal family dynamic. Every time I try to calmly discuss 14 yo states I need space. I tried to explain he can’t have space in common areas. But he still insists.

I’ve tried therapy, nurtured heart, floor time, aba, nothing works

He also insists that ten year old stay upstairs until he leaves in the morning since then too he needs space and 10 yo gets in his way. I really don’t mind to accommodate this since I like having a quiet downstairs in the morning too.

10 yo is regular easy going kid. I’ve taught him not to engage with 14 year old but I still need help since this is in ongoing struggle.

Should I have 10 yo give 14 yo his half hour of space or should I insist that everyone has a right to kitchen.

Kitchen is tiny for reference.

amother

Honeydew

Mon, Feb 12 2024, 10:24 pm

Wow this sounds tough!

My intuition is that 14 year old can NOT be accommodated in this way.

14 year old needs to learn how to get the “space “ he needs without infringing on his brothers right to be.

I think a professional who understands the 14 yo, may be a good resource on how to handle this tough situation.

Hatzlacha

amother

Mon, Feb 12 2024, 11:04 pm

amother Honeydew wrote:

Ty I’ve tried many and costly professionals and I’m now unable to spend money and have no insurance. I’m looking for a plan I can implement on my own to help my son.

amother

Denim

Mon, Feb 12 2024, 11:13 pm

amother OP wrote:

Ty I’ve tried many and costly professionals and I’m now unable to spend money and have no insurance. I’m looking for a plan I can implement on my own to help my son.

So we don't know nearly enough about you, your children, or your family set up to give you a real plan.

But the first step is to internalize that this is absolutely not acceptable. The same way you wouldn't let the older boy break his brother's arm, you can't let him force him upstairs or isolate him from the common areas. Both children need to know that this is not okay and you will take it upon yourself to defend the younger boy.

I know you mean well and are trying to keep the peace. You probably don't realize that this behavior can have serious repercussions for the younger boy.

How is the second step. But that comes next.

amother

Currant

Mon, Feb 12 2024, 11:43 pm

Biggest question- do they share a room?

If not, ds14 goes there, and he is allowed to have food. I would have food he really likes up there waiting for him for a few days in a row to get him in the habit of heading straight there. If ds14 needs you around, that's a little harder. I would spend a few minutes with him there, letting ds10 know about it in advance, including that he will get time with you right after.

But I'm betting they do share, and there's nothing to be done about that. In that case, I would try to find a space in the house just for him. It can be small; we put dd in a storage area in the basement, with a fan and a ten dollar small rug from Amazon and a bungee chair and eventually a very small foldy table. He can go there. Make it with him.

He really does need the space. But you'll need to help him change his routine, and the concept that he can eat elsewhere.

amother

Currant

Mon, Feb 12 2024, 11:50 pm

amother Denim wrote:

I both agree and disagree. It is very important. But with a kid like this, the how is paramount. If you don't have a way, you make the best of what you have. And the "how" more often than not will not work at all if it is communicated as "This is unacceptable. You need to stop it."

The biggest piece of guidance I got with my spectrum kid (works for my adhd kid too) is that it's more effective to focus on what TO do than what NOT to do. So you build in a new plan without focusing too much on why the old one isn't okay. He may not get the fundamental message you want, but it's more likely to get done. And then you can try to put the message in afterward. Because he's not going to have space for anyone else's mindset but his own until he's settled into something new.

amother

Burlywood

Mon, Feb 12 2024, 11:51 pm

Why cant 14 yo go to his room and close the door for his half hour of space?

This is something that can and should be instituted. Common areas are for EVERYONE ALL the time (unless someone is being purposely annoying).

Same for morning (and always). Common areas are for ALL.

Otherwise, for “space”, you go to your own personal area, ie: room.

Good luck.

locked by request of OP