What do you think if this social issue

amother

Fri, Feb 23 2024, 12:37 am

amother Puce wrote:

Teacher of 9-10 yr olds here for many yrs.
It is not okay for a teacher to wake up half way through the yr to bring up a serious issue and jump to therapy. (Unless it is a sudden recent dramatic concerning behavior which is not the case here.)

It could def be your daughter would benefit from social skills groups / therapy or coaching. But first I'd tell the teacher and principal:
* You were taken aback bec this came out of no where. Prev teachers didn't think it was a big issue & this yrs teacher didn't reach out the first half a yr. You are wondering why.
* Ask for concrete examples. Before u could help your daughter -or consider proffesional help, you (and proffesionl) need exact details and examples.
* Ask what the teacher has done to help your daughter. How does she respond when she hears her being chutzpadik or mean? Did she ever talk to DD privately and discuss it with her? Would she consider making an incentive program with her?
* Tell her what you plan to do at home. How u will discuss and role play with her. Ask her to communicate with you immeadiatly if your DD does s/t out of line so u can actively work with DD.
* Tell her you want to first have both the teacher along with yourself really putting effort into helping her. Of course if after a few months its ineffective you will consider proffesional advice / therapy.

Obviously speak respectfully. Question in a curious wondering way, without sounding defensive or accusatory -I know not easy when you feel your daughter is being attacked, but really important to show you respect the teacher and want to work with her not against her.

Hatzlacha!!!
And your daughter will iy"h grow out of it. She just may need some hand holding or more along the way. I have watched "mean" 10 yr olds become the sweetest young adults.

WOW!! You must be a fabulous morah and mother!!! Thank you for your post! This is so so helpful and validating!! I really appreciate you taking the time to write this out.

amother

SandyBrown

Fri, Feb 23 2024, 1:11 am

amother Puce wrote:

I love your post! I’d like to add that since this is your oldest you may not know what appropriate behavior looks like for this age but an experienced teacher does so please hear what she’s saying and address.
That being said you and your husband can learn skills and read lots of great stuff on how to teach and coach her and bring it to her attention when she says something not nice.
There are some great social skills courses as well as parenting classes. You can share with the teacher what method of awareness you use at home and ask her if she can pls use it too. It will either get better or it will get worse as she ages. If you see that you and your husband aren’t able to help her out of this then it’s time to get a professional involved.

amother

Fri, Feb 23 2024, 1:20 am

amother SandyBrown wrote:

Thank you, yes. I totally agree with you. I am completely aware that I'm not experienced and I never doubted the issue that the teacher just brought up. It was her way of handling it that was really bothering me.
That's the direction I would like to take

teachkids

Fri, Feb 23 2024, 5:59 am

Clearly I don't know your kid at all, so I can't diagnose her, and I'm working just off your description, but what you're describing is how ADHD often presents in girls. I've also seen that smart kids with ADHD manage to control it more until the school work starts challenging them, and then the combination of more brain attention on academics and the hormonal shifts of preteen make the symptoms much more obvious somewhere between 4-7th grade.
It may be worth asking the principal/school social worker for a meeting to discuss if they think it's worth getting her evaluated.

amother

Hibiscus

Fri, Feb 23 2024, 9:21 am

Another Morah for that age here:)
I love what the other teachers have to say. Practically, I would move one from why it wasn’t brought up before etc and focus on what you’re doing to help her. It seems like your conversations with your daughter aren’t helping, as you say things to her about the comments she makes but she continues to make them in different ways. At this point you need to figure out from a more professional/educated standpoint what to do to help her. Maybe speak to a social skills coach, or read a book others may recommend, etc.
Say to the teacher, “ Thank you for your suggestion. I’d like to first see what I can do. This is my plan- xyz. Let’s be in touch in a month to see how it’s going, and evaluate from there”.

amother

Cherry

Fri, Feb 23 2024, 9:31 am

My son is/was a blunt kid. He says it like it is. Some can perceive it as chutzpa and it is, but it was not his intention at all. At his mesivta faher (years ago) they noticed it. We told them we are aware and working on it and he really doesn't mean to be chutzpadik--he's just blunt. They said if we continue to work on it they'd take him.

BH he has matured. He's still a blunt person, but more in check with what he says, when and to whom. But it was a lot of work on our part and his. No therapy. We would tell him to rephrase, correct tone, etc but he was also willing to work on himself with the prompting.

amother

Lightpink

Fri, Feb 23 2024, 10:16 am

I also have a dd like this. She's 15 now, she's at the point where she's finally aware what she comes across as, but still has a hard time with it. Basically the way we dealt with it is by teaching her to always think before answering, especially to people in positions of power since they get the most offended.

For ex: if a teacher gives a surprise quiz w/o giving them an opportunity to study first, my dd will be the one to loudly 'explain' to the teacher how unfair that is. Or if a teacher tells her to rewrite an entire chapter of tehilim (at detention) she will respond: I really don't have time for this.
I know, I know, it's def chutzpah, but her intention is not to be chutzpadik. She's just brutally honest.

When she remembers to think before responding then she would def be more respectful for ex: we asked how she wd do it diff with the surprise quiz if she thought before blurting out her response. She said she would ask the teacher if they can please have 5 minutes to quickly review the material. And in the 2nd example w the detention, she told me she would have stayed completely quiet if she wd hv remembered to think first.

It takes alot of effort from her part since it's her nature, and unless she decides that it's a major priority for her to change this, it's almost impossible for us to help her.

oneofakind

Fri, Feb 23 2024, 10:40 am

Teachers don't like to seem like they are nit picking. Imagine if they call a parent after 3 weeks of school and say your kid is chutzpadik and says mean things to kids. What? You barely know my kid, half the time it was yom tov ...etc. Meanwhile, her behavior stood out from the first day.
She called now about an issue you know already know about and haven't been able to change. Kids like this are impulsive and lack perspective - they have a hard time putting themselves in the other person's shoes and recognizing that their tone and/ or word choices are offensive or inappropriate.
Speak to the principal with humility and ask for free or low cost recommendations.

amother

Crystal

Fri, Feb 23 2024, 11:08 am

Doesn't almost everyone sometimes put their foot in their mouth? Don't most people occasionally say something mean, especially when stressed or under extreme provocation? (Not you, all you tzdekestehs here, I'm talking about ordinary people with ordinary human failings, who are generally pleasant but sometimes not.)

Unless the teacher is seeing something extreme, like frequent episodes of nastiness or severe lack of self-control, I wouldn't be concerned. You don't live in Stepford.