S/o large ratio babysitter

amother

Seablue

Sun, Mar 03 2024, 12:26 pm

amother Lime wrote:

This is very helpful when changing a dirty diaper of a toddler and the baby is crying.
Imamothers we are doing it wrong, in the above scenario you stop mid wipe if the baby cries hold and nurse them whilst talking to toddler saying I'm not neglecting you since you understand me. I love you just don't wet yourself and no don't touch down there I haven't finished wiping.

Sea blue I'm generally curious, have you ever worked a day in your life since you gave birth and are your kids wearing clothes you got from your siblings or is your husband managing to bring in enough for you to go but clothes for your children.

In the scenario you describe you finish wiping the toddler and talk to the baby and tell them you are coming. Just hearing your voice is soothing and babies understand more then you think they do.

Of course I worked and at a multiple jobs and my kids wear hand me downs from siblings.

amother

Lime

Sun, Mar 03 2024, 12:28 pm

lotta wrote:

Seablue, it seems that you know of multiple stories that's keeping you so passionate about it.
large babysitting group doesn't always equal neglect. It can happen in smaller groups too. How about we let all Mommies know to do their research and know it's super beneficial to send to a smaller group when possible. Yes a small ratio is the best. Parents should do research of which babysitter they use that this babysitter is good substitute when Mommy can't be there. Babysitters who babysit just for practicality of being home and making money, they don't belong being babysitters. A babysitter has to have the traits of a babysitter and know how many kids she can handle, putting all money matters aside. Safety comes first.

Some parents it's not a matter of staying home with the kids. THEY DON'T KNOW HOW TO GIVE THE KIDS EMOTIONNALLY WHAT THEY NEED! Let's not judge. It's a story of it's own. So if these mothers go out and need the outlet and then land up being more present when the kids are home, instead of being nervous and yelling... I think it has it's pros.
In order to be the best mother, parents need to give themselves what they need. Yes, there is usually an underlying issue. Slowly they would be able to be more present. We could start a whole thread on childhood trauma..

Very well said!!!!!

amother

Snapdragon

Sun, Mar 03 2024, 12:30 pm

amother Seablue wrote:

Neglect can be on a scale and thats great that baby is thriving. It isn't healthy that baby needs to wait often and you should insure that this isnt a frequent occurrence.
1:3 for a baby is a bare minimum. Obviously 1:1 and 1:2 is far more ideal, especially as a baby is younger and is more needy.

from my experience when you're talking about a one+ year old many times it's better for them to be with more then a baby or two. I'm not talking about stay at home moms who take the baby with them on errands etc. when I had my baby plus one other it wasn't good at all. they were bored and weren't happy. once I started sending my baby to a good babysitter he was so much happier and I had so much more patience for him the rest of the day, I don't regret it at all.
Every normal mother knows and feels what's best for her own kids, when I was feeling depressed from being home with a cranky baby all day we both were suffering.

Ema of 5

Sun, Mar 03 2024, 12:30 pm

amother OP wrote:

If you really realized how serious this issue is to the detriment of the child you would consider some of these ideas:
- non jewish cheaper babysitter who is loving and respectful with cameras of course
-mix the ages
- stop learning and go to work if you really cannot afford proper child care - I know this will be controversial but I say it with utmost respect for those learning just not at the expense of innocent babies
- cut out other expenses obviouslyi know this doesn't apply to everyone but I do see it in lakewood lots of moms shopping in fancy stores buying new sheitel then leaving their babies in large groups

Thank you for posting your ideas. Unfortunately, they won’t work for many people. Some people won’t send to a non Jewish baby sitter. I don’t know of any mixed age groups where I live, and I’m sure I’m not the only one. Not everyone who sends to a baby sitter, no matter what the ratio, has a husband in kollel. Re your last one….first there is no reason to name a specific city. Second, you have no idea how they are paying for whatever it is you see them buying, so you don’t know if they are actually budgeting well or not.
My point is not to rip apart your suggestions. My point is just to show you that, even with the most wonderful solutions, there will still be people who will fall into your category of unacceptable. The suggestions are wonderful, but please realize that they are not applicable to everyone.

amother

Taupe

Sun, Mar 03 2024, 12:34 pm

amother OP wrote:

You follow people around and keep track of which groups they send to, how many kids are in each group, and which stores they shop in??? Wow with all the time you have you can just do them the favor of babysitting their babies.

amother

Seablue

Sun, Mar 03 2024, 12:36 pm

lotta wrote:

I agree with a lot that you wrote.
A small ratio doesn't allows mean that its a good situation, every babysitting situation needs to be assessed individually. A large ratio no matter how competent the provider is will inevitably have neglect.

amother

Lime

Sun, Mar 03 2024, 12:36 pm

amother Seablue wrote:

And why can't I do that when wiping one baby from my sitting group and the other starts crying?
And I meant hand me down from YOUR siblings their cousins!
Who looked after your kids whilst you worked?
Before I started babysitting I worked from home and kept my baby at home. I most likely neglected her more than the kids in my babysitting group. I can sit on the floor with 7 12 months old and play, sing, Daven and teach them where their eyes are but I couldn't do that with my own 1 yr old whilst working on a pc.
I quit a job to look after my child and love on other children thanks for saying I'm a terrible mother and babysitter.
If I wouldn't have money to feed or dress my kids and we live in a shelter or on the street but I'm 24/7 loving on my children this is what you are saying is ideal???

Ema of 5

Sun, Mar 03 2024, 12:36 pm

amother Seablue wrote:

But it does because you are feeling worse for the moms feeling then the baby who is suffering. So when moms understand the effects of placing their baby in neglectful childcare situation you are helping innocent babies who are suffering.

That’s not the way it works. You don’t shame someone into doing what YOU believe is the right thing to do. If you truly cared, you would be going about this much differently.
You don’t know who I care more about.

Ema of 5

Sun, Mar 03 2024, 12:38 pm

amother Seablue wrote:

Talking to my baby does not make him stop crying when I’m changing his diaper, even if I’m not dealing with my other kids. Talking to my baby doesn’t make him stop crying when he doesn’t want to be in the car.

amother

Seablue

Sun, Mar 03 2024, 12:39 pm

amother Lime wrote:

I prioritized quality childcare over every other expense. I either nanny shared or had a private sitter or very small group. I lived very simply but to me this was a top priority.

Ema of 5

Sun, Mar 03 2024, 12:40 pm

amother Seablue wrote:

Where is your proof?

Ema of 5

Sun, Mar 03 2024, 12:41 pm

amother Lime wrote:

I think you’re doing great!!!

amother

Seablue

Sun, Mar 03 2024, 12:42 pm

Ema of 5 wrote:

Ema of 5 it's interesting that these conversations always seem to trigger a similar response in you.

You don't work, so its interesting that you get triggered from this topic.

Even if your baby is still crying a calm soothing voice of a mother can make a large impact on the babies stress level.

amother

Seablue

Sun, Mar 03 2024, 12:42 pm

amother Lightpink wrote:

Now that we know that you had endless relatives and friends to be at your baby's bedside when you couldn't, can you start a gmach for those who don't?

I had no one to be at my babies side.
A gemach would be very helpful.
Although NICUs have strict protocol with visitation especially during flu season etc and with COVID so it wouldn't be so simple.

amother

Lime

Sun, Mar 03 2024, 12:43 pm

amother Seablue wrote:

No mother in their right mind will hear of a baby sitter who neglects children and say yay I'm sending my child to this group. And if they do, they are obviously not in their right mind and it's anyway not safe for their child to be with them anyway and the babysitter might be a safer option and they aren't going to take advice from you via imamother.

amother

Seablue

Sun, Mar 03 2024, 12:44 pm

amother Lime wrote:

Good point.

Ema of 5

Sun, Mar 03 2024, 12:47 pm

amother Seablue wrote:

It “triggers” me because I don’t like bullying. I’ve worked most of my married life, and have always sent my kids, when needed, to loving baby sitters with small ratios. What are you trying to prove exactly? That you are making me feel bad? You’re not, my skin is much thicker than that. I am defending the other moms, the ones that you and OP are shaming. It’s not ok.

amother

Lime

Sun, Mar 03 2024, 12:49 pm

amother Seablue wrote:

I prioritized quality childcare over every other expense. I either nanny shared or had a private sitter or very small group. I lived very simply but to me this was a top priority.

How many was a small group and what age were they?
I'm salivating thinking how much you must have earned being able to afford a private sitter and paying them enough that they can pay their bills.
I also live very simple. When I was working before babysitting we had never even ordered a pizza for supper, we couldn't afford it, nevermind getting a basic takeout or paying a babysitter.