Support for married kids…

essie14

Mon, Mar 04 2024, 1:33 am

Nope.
MO/DL
We pay for their education and expect that that sets them up for their future.
All our kids are currently in university or have graduated.
While they're in school we pay for everything.
Once they graduate and are working they slowly start taking over their own expenses: entertainment, cell phone, car insurance , clothing , toiletries, etc.
Once they move out (whether that's single or married) they are self sufficient.
None wanted to marry young so that never came up for us. But we would have paid for their college education regardless.
If they had chosen to get married they would have had to figure out living expenses with their spouse.
We don't believe in the concept of "marrying off". People get married when they're ready and when they understand what that entails.
We do plan to help with a down payment for a home when they are ready, whether that be single or married.

amother

Steel

Mon, Mar 04 2024, 1:35 am

MO here, I believe in helping out. I also believe the couple should be working and financially responsible. But I also know life is very expensive and it's hard for couples with kids to be able to afford everything and I would help of course if needed. I wouldn't want my child to have financial stress in their marriage if they are doing everything they can to support themselves but still come up short.

amother

Puce

Mon, Mar 04 2024, 1:46 am

Interestingly we didn't need the help when we were first married. My secretary salary was plenty for our basic needs.

We needed help when we had to start paying tuition, and then again when we started to pay high school tuition.

(We did not ask our parents for that help though.)

I do not plan on supporting my children when they get married. Even if they start out in kollel, one of them can work and they will live simply.

I do hope to be able to help them with tuition though. That is one expense that I don't think is reasonable for a family to bear alone.

amother

Junglegreen

Mon, Mar 04 2024, 1:52 am

DL and not wealthy. In my circles it's common for boys to only start university when they're 23 or older, after yeshiva studies and army service. I don't think it's fair to expect them to wait until they finish school and are able to get a FT job, before getting married. I pay for their education and I help them with other expenses while they are studying, married or not. I expect that they make every effort to finish school and get to the point where they can fully self-support. It hasn't come up for me yet, but I assume that if a child of mine was not making that effort I would probably cut the purse strings.

I don't have the ability to help them with a down payment. Which is part of why I at least want to help them with their monthly expenses, so they don't have to blow through all their savings, and will eventually be able to purchase a home. Getting on the property ladder in Israel is really challenging these days.

amother

Magnolia

Mon, Mar 04 2024, 2:20 am

Nowadays, salaries for young kollel wives are pretty high, even with zero college education or work experience. In lakewood, brooklyn etc, starting salary for post seminary girls can be as high as 60k, or more. And room to grow. That is more than enough for a young couple to manage financially by themselves without support.
OOT pays less, but expenses are also a bit less.

Yes, down the road, once there are more than a child or 2 in the picture, 60k wont be enough, but at that point, the wife usually got a few raises and is growing in her job, OR the husband started some sort of work, or both.

I know alot of people like this, including myself Smile

Add in a scenario where the girl worked before she got married and squirreled some money for a couple of years, and there is even more wiggle room (my situation also). One of the perks of not being first in my class or group that got married, I had over 30k saved up. And this is without my parents paying for things when I was home and single, it was just me being careful and spending wisely, and not having to pay rent/utilities etc since I was still living at home.

I am typical JPF who married a guy who learned full time for 4 years. We more than managed.

LovesHashem

Mon, Mar 04 2024, 2:27 am

amother Topaz wrote:

I believe you either have to marry off your children already having a means of support, or else offer them support.

You can't marry them off at 20 and then say well. Now they're an adult. Same as not giving them any vocational or secular education and then washing your hands off of it.

JPF

The problem is a 16 or 20 year old has their own opinions about life. If they refuse to get an education what are you to do?

amother

Sunflower

Mon, Mar 04 2024, 6:50 am

RWMO. I don't believe in recurring, indefinite support, but do believe in helping with startup costs and big ticket items (as in, a house). And this is pretty common in my circles. Most young people are able to manage their monthly expenses but they don't have the money upfront to furnish an entire apartment or put a down payment on a house, so I don't think ots unreasonable to help with those things. I would also help in an emergency (we were helped in an emergency where I was sick and couldn't work for several months).

amother

Dill

Mon, Mar 04 2024, 7:45 am

My parents married me off at 18 and I really didn't want to. We were thrown into tumultm my husb of 22 came into this marriage w debt. My mother asked me for money before I got married I wasn't eating much in those days 15 years ago.
However my siblings after got help from them. We were married where my monthly income wasn't even covering my rent! Wich they picked the apt! It didn't even make sense!!!! We had to clean out our wedding money until I realized what they did to me!!! It was insane. I suffered more from what they did to me . The trauma of all that in a new marriage has played a huge toll on me. Now asking them to pay for therapy they say no! It's like hell in deep water. Wtvr I came to terms that they are just not normal. N it's disgusting what they did. Yet it's my life n I just have to deal with it now. Wtvr.

amother

Apricot

Mon, Mar 04 2024, 9:40 am

My parents did not support me. They gave us monetary gifts before yom tov (Varied--so not something we could depend on) and lent us money to buy a car and house renovations when we first bought our house (key word lent). My husband learned in kollel for about 3-4 years and by then we had 2 kids. Life expenses were more than I was bringing in, so my husband went to work (first part time in yeshiva and then full time out of yeshiva).

My parents helped pay for basics like dishes, pots and pans. We paid for beds, table, chairs, book cases, etc from money I had saved from working and chasuna money. We got used couches.

My husband is in a field that when the market does not do well, his department is the first to go. So unfortunately he has been out of work more than once. We see parnasa is not a given. With my oldest (son) just a few years from shidduchim, we told him we will help were we can, but not commit to any given amount. We can't--how can I promise to pay their rent, etc if our parnasa is not 100% certain--what happens if one month we can't pay our own bills.

We told my son that we are happy for him to learn as long as he can/wants. He has to realize parnasa ultimately is on him. He can do side jobs (like tutoring, etc--I know a sofer that wrote mezuzos during his lunch break while in kollel and BH brought in a decent side parnasa) to bring in money while in kollel. And he will probably have to live simply. As long as it works, we'll help where we can, but no commitments.