How did I become public enemy number one 😞

amother

Mon, Apr 15 2024, 8:52 am

amother Midnight wrote:

If you don't start fresh each day and forgive and give them a new chance how are you ever going to have a good relationship with them. You can tell them that today is a new day and we start fresh. You are the parent. Your love needs to be unconditional.

I believe you are right but I don’t know how to do this. I have come to the conclusion that I am still a teenager emotionally.

amother

Starflower

Mon, Apr 15 2024, 9:17 am

Highstrung wrote:

I’m reading this thread and laughing . Sorry for laughing because I know how frustrating and even painful it could be . I’ve been through this with most of my kids and I’m not done yet . I truly believe it’s a passing phase. That doesn’t mean it’s an easy phase . But I can say that my relationships with each of my kids as they mature and move into adulthood has changed for the better . My DS who was my most difficult teen thus far is now still extremely difficult but we relate to each other on a deeper level now that we actually enjoy each other’s company and conversations even while causing me lots of heartache and him experiencing lots of heartache . I think the most important thing is to make that separation and not to take it personally.

Please don’t laugh at other people’s pain. You could have just started with “I know….” and left out everything before that.

Highstrung

Mon, Apr 15 2024, 10:00 am

amother Starflower wrote:

Please don’t laugh at other people’s pain. You could have just started with “I know….” and left out everything before that.

Ouch. Sorry , I think my post came across wrong to you. I wasn’t laughing at any one’s pain. Hope nobody felt that way. I apologize for not expressing it correctly.
I clearly stated that I understand the frustration and pain and am going through it myself and have gone through it myself . That’s what made me laugh. Like it’s just one more thing on our list of many challenges that we got to deal with and iy”h this too shall pass. For some reason lately , when I post , I get criticized for whatever I say. It really leaves me perplexed . I need to keep reminding myself not to reply to threads anymore. I know people might tell me it’s MY issue if I constantly get criticized. Like I must be saying something wrong . But this never happened before until the dynamics of this site changed recently. Sorry for causing pain to anyone that took what I wrote the wrong way. Anyone that knows me IRL from this site knows that I don’t laugh at peoples pain.

amother

Black

Mon, Apr 15 2024, 10:21 am

highstrung, I'll laugh with you. I have different types of laughter, there's the laugh of oh that's funny and then there's the laugh of I could cry or I could laugh so I'll choose to laugh. I get the impression that that's the type of laughing you were doing. I don't think you were mocking. You were very clearly I 'm with you in your pain, going through it along with you but I also am a little further along.

Chayalle

Mon, Apr 15 2024, 10:58 am

amother Electricblue wrote:

Op, I hope it’s a stage. Today my dd about the same age asked why we can’t be like all the normal families who have either switched over today or have a separate Pesach kitchen. First world problems, right?

My teen could care less about the switch-over or Pesach kitchen - guess she trusts me enough that there will BEH be food by the Seder.
Her gripe is more like, why can't we be like all normal families who buy their kids brand name designer clothes and have no issue popping $150 for a sweatshirt.
First World Problems indeed.

Chayalle

Mon, Apr 15 2024, 11:01 am

amother OP wrote:

I believe you are right but I don’t know how to do this. I have come to the conclusion that I am still a teenager emotionally.

And perhaps that's what you need to do - nurture the teenager inside of you and tell yourself that you're okay, you're good, your aren't whatever your teenager called you or said to you. Build a wall around yourself that doesn't let a teen, who is going thru her own growth and challenges, hurt you. But let your love for her out, let her know you love her and her words cannot hurt you. Try to eventually come to a place where you are the adult and she is the teen.

amother

Lightcyan

Mon, Apr 15 2024, 11:03 am

amother OP wrote:

The past few days she’s been ignoring me if I asked her to do something. Tonight she outright said no (she was asked to remove her belongings from her sister’s bed). I asked dh to speak her. After they had been talking for a while I asked if I should join the conversation or stay out. Dh said I should stay. After a minute or two dd said to dh can you please kick her out (of the room). I don’t know why that hurts me so much but it really does

Ouch. I'm sorry OP, teenagers sometimes know where we're the most vulnerable.

A few thoughts, please feel free to ignore as I'm only basing on what you wrote.

First, no one in a house should be allowed to speak in a way that's hurtful. House rule. When dd asked your dh to kick you out of her room, you or dh might have addressed that directly. "That's very hurtful to say to Mommy. You can't speak in a way that causes pain." Don't force an apology, just put it out there for her to mull over in her own time. Also this way you don't need to feel like you're accepting abuse.

As a side point, part of being a teenager is going through the process of learning that our parents are humans and fallible. I think sometimes they say things that are hurtful to test this out, almost like they can't really believe it's true. There are times when I have said things like, I know I'm Mommy but I also have feelings.

Next, it sounds like a power struggle that got out of hand. Why the need for a whole discussion with dh about moving some stuff off a bed? Ime power struggles are almost never worth it, and sometimes a whole analysis only makes things worse.

Anyway I hope today is better.

amother

Starflower

Mon, Apr 15 2024, 11:05 am

Highstrung wrote:

I understood you completely. All Im saying is that the laughing part doesn’t need to be included in your comment. Whether you mean it to be or not, it’s hurtful.

amother

Starflower

Mon, Apr 15 2024, 11:07 am

amother Black wrote:

I don’t think high strung was mocking, I totally understand that it’s the “laugh or cry” type of laugh. But when we are sitting here making ourselves vulnerable and venting our frustrations, it’s painful to read, even when I understand what she means. That’s all.

amother

Oxfordblue

Mon, Apr 15 2024, 11:13 am

OP, I know the pain, B"H my teens grew up and so did I and we know have a great relationship except for my 20+ year old who still treats me like _______. I've given up and can barely have a normal conversation with her because whatever I say is stupid or wrong - and I only say nice things. My husband treats her like she's G-ds gift to the world and it's really painful. We live really for out so she boards in the tristate area so I'm kind of lucky. B"H my younger children are really amazing even the ones that are teenagers and I count my blessing every day.

batya100

Mon, Apr 15 2024, 12:21 pm

Highstrung wrote:

I like your message.. but the fact that it came from your screenname made me roll! LOL

amother

Mon, Apr 15 2024, 1:52 pm

Chayalle wrote:

Great advice but I have no clue how to actually do that. The pain builds a wall around me I don’t know how to break through

amother

Mon, Apr 15 2024, 2:18 pm

amother Lightcyan wrote:

Thanks for your response. How should I have handled it? I guess I could have told my younger dd to take the stuff off the bed. I didn’t because I didn’t think it was right for teenaged dd to leave it there.

amother

Silver

Mon, Apr 15 2024, 3:18 pm

I think teens today are crazy. Mine are supposed to be "really good girls" comparatively speaking. Everyone raves about them. But the attitude! OMG! They literally speak to me so condescendingly, you can't imagine (or maybe you can), like they're the mothers and I'm a 2 yo.
"No, we're not doing that."
"What are you doing here?"
They'll ignore, give me non answers, question every single thing I say as if they're the committee appointed to make the final decision. They'll brush past me, expecting me to move out of their way.

And it's all so cold and casual, no explosions. As if they really are correct and I have no right to say or ask anything. Honestly, it's enough to make a mother question her sanity.

I hope it's a generational thing, and not that my girls are rotten to the core after everything I put into them. Crying

imaima

Mon, Apr 15 2024, 3:29 pm

amother OP wrote:

The younger dd should have dealt with her own bed?
Unless she is a toddler

amother

Maroon

Mon, Apr 15 2024, 4:13 pm

imaima wrote:

The younger dd should have dealt with her own bed?
Unless she is a toddler

Do you have teens or older kids?

The things belonged to the teenager!

Should the younger dd have moved them herself? Forget the question of whether it's fair (though my kids would have a field day with that), I'm envisioning a meltdown from the teen that her stuff was touched (ridiculous, since she left it on her sister's bed, but a little ridiculous never stopped a teen).
I'm guessing younger dd either already asked teen dd to move the stuff and, when she didn't, turned to mom for help, or she already learned from experience that there's no point in asking her sister to do anything.

I will sometimes announce something like, 'Dd's bed needs to be cleared by x o'clock. Otherwise I'll have to clear the stuff to the floor.' Then teen dd can choose not to without affecting her sister and shouldn't have an excuse to yell (but she might anyway).

amother

Dodgerblue

Mon, Apr 15 2024, 4:21 pm

I’m in my lower twenties. I recently read through my journal from when I was a teenager and oh my goodness do I feel guilty. I said the meanest things and was emotionally abusive to my mother and yet somehow I felt I was in the right at the time. It’s awful. She deserved so much better.

If it helps, I have grown up and am very respectful to my parents. It took time and brain development. But there’s hope for your rude teens. I’m sorry we are the way we are Sad

amother

Starflower

Mon, Apr 15 2024, 4:24 pm

amother Silver wrote:

Same here! And if I say anything, *I’m* the one with the problem.

B'Syata D'Shmya

Mon, Apr 15 2024, 4:35 pm

amother OP wrote:

Thats hurtful and unwarranted. She said it to hurt you (perhaps to get back at you for some grievance that only she remembers - none of us were perfect mothers, there are always going to be remembered complaints).
If she does that again, dh should be prepared to tell her that he doesnt allow her to talk to her mother that way, its against halacha and unacceptable in our home. You and dh are a team and one unit. If she hurts you , she hurts him too. Dd should not be allowed to give the impression that she made a wedge between you two. Believe it or not, she is testing and she needs to know that her parents are rock solid and support each other.
If dh said to stay, that is law in your home.

The stuff she left on her sisters bed, throw out.

As to the nasty comments, ignore those, change the topic, pretend you didnt hear, if she insists and says Didnt you hear me? Say I choose what I pay attention to and what I dont. My prerogative as the parent. And change the topic again. Show her that when she talks that way, its a waste of her time.