Just Don't Ask | Imamother

amother

Wine

Fri, May 24 2024, 4:21 pm

amother Hyacinth wrote:

That's a passing acknowledgement too. That doesn't carry a conversation much. She will say thank you and then what?

And then it’s in her court to share things. You can discuss the weather or the annoying construction the city it doing or where you are on the way to.. so many conversations you can have without asking prying questions.

amother

Hyacinth

Fri, May 24 2024, 4:35 pm

amother Wine wrote:

That's mindless conversation that I would have with a person if I get stuck standing together in a line. It doesn't forge any connection or closeness. It's an aloof type of conversation.

I would be insulted if I meet a good friend and the extent of the conversation would be about the weather. 'Hi Chany, how are you. Isn't the weather lovely. We finally have some sun after a few days of rain. Anyways, was so nice to see you. Bye!'

How does that make you feel?

amother

Peach

Fri, May 24 2024, 4:37 pm

amother Hyacinth wrote:

you share your life and usually the other person will share tidbits of theirs.

Trademark

Fri, May 24 2024, 4:39 pm

amother Hyacinth wrote:

When you meet a good friend, or someone you are more acquainted with, you know enough about them what sensitive topics to avoid. You know if they are married, have children, have special need children, works etc. And you know which topics they enjoy discussing or are willing to discuss.

I think the advice is more when you don't really know someone. Or to be aware when someone is going through something, not necessarily something big, for example they are applying to seminary and you are not close enough to keep up with all the details, then you should wait for them to update.

So when for example they tell you they got accepted into seminary then you can have a great conversation about that.

This depends on each situation but it's a good reminder to be aware.

amother

Hyacinth

Fri, May 24 2024, 4:42 pm

amother Peach wrote:

you share your life and usually the other person will share tidbits of theirs.

That gives a vibe of self-centeredness. Generally when you meet someone, you make inquiries of them, not talk about yourself.

Regardless, wouldnt it have tons of triggers too in them? If I talk about my married children, maybe she is struggling with shidduchim. If I talk about my pregnancy, maybe she just had a miscarriage. If I talk about my summer plans, maybe she is struggling financially.

I guess it's just best to ignore each other, or just wave and give a shy smile as you walk past each other.

amother

Hyacinth

Fri, May 24 2024, 4:47 pm

Trademark wrote:

Not really. I never shared my SB issues with my friends or the financial challenges. There is a lot people keep private between good friends too.

It's impossible to keep track of everyones sensitivity. Obviously use common sense and don't ask prying questions. Or don't make stupid comments. But we can't walk around with crazy sensitivity levels, expecting everyone to walk on eggshells.

If a conversation line is making you uncomfortable just speak up. 'I would prefer not to discuss this now', ' this is private info'..etc. I don't think it's normal to expect everyone to weigh every single word.

Trademark

Fri, May 24 2024, 4:50 pm

amother Hyacinth wrote:

I don't usually open conversations with my friends about their finances or their marriage.

amother

Hyacinth

Fri, May 24 2024, 4:55 pm

Trademark wrote:

I don't usually open conversations with my friends about their finances or their marriage.

Right. But if you're going to tell me about your upcoming vacation with your dh to Miami, won't that be a trigger to think about my awful situation?

Should I be walking around with this huge chip on my shoulder and take offense at any nice gesture that happens to set off a trigger. Or should I take hold of myself and be happy for others that they don't have an equitable challenge in this area?

You can't take enough care to not trigger something in somebody. The only way to do that is to never have a conversation with people.

Trademark

Fri, May 24 2024, 5:03 pm

amother Hyacinth wrote:

Things I talk about if I meet a friend/ acquaintance, depends on the person and circumstances: How are your children? How's work? what's your yom tov plans? talk about local / community news, I like what you/your baby is wearing, where did you get it? How's the wedding prep/ moving going? etc

Obviously, there is always a small chance of offending someone. But there are basic conversations/questions that are generally not offensive and most emotionally healthy people will recognize that the other person meant well and not take offense.

amother

Buttercup

Fri, May 24 2024, 6:36 pm

amother Hyacinth wrote:

You can’t completely avoid it, but we all should certainly try to avoid hurting peoples feelings. Basically: don’t be nosy and don’t assume everything is good.

zaq

Fri, May 24 2024, 7:41 pm

Here's a great idea: Don't talk to people, period. Talk only to G-d.

Hello, Master of the Universe, it's me, Zaq.
How ya doin'?
Lovely weather we're having, thank You for that.
How are your kids?
Whaddaya mean which ones?
Your favorites, the Chosen People.
They don't listen to You?
They listen to every idiot with a megaphone and an agenda but not You?
Sorry, didn't mean to pry.

Aside from that, how've You been?
People have been claiming You're dead?
Ugh, that must be a terrible feeling.
Sorry, didn't mean to make You feel bad.

So...read any good books lately?
What's that?
You wrote THE Good Book and nobody reads it?
I heard it was the most widely-selling book ever, translated into a bazillion languages and sold all over the world.
Oh, they read it but nobody follows it?
Bummer.
Sorry, didn't mean to bring up a sore topic.
Guess I'll be going now, have a nice day.

amother

Springgreen

Sat, May 25 2024, 2:50 pm

I can only talk for myself, obviously, but I think there's a lot of common sense and balance that needs to be exercised here. There are certain things that should not be asked, period. Other things that once in a while may push someone's buttons but there is no way to know that and it is considered a normal question.
I say this as someone who has a lot of such 'buttons'. But I know that I need to have answers and I can't expect everyone to be more sensitive than typical common sense calls for.

Ex: Asking someone 'are you making a pidyon haben?' is ttly out of bounds. There's no reason for you to be nosey like that, and many negative responses to this question are very personal. I've been asked this many times and it still stings.
On the other hand, asking someone 'where are you from?' is a normal question. If there's no straight answer (let's say mom lives in NY while dad lives in Chicago, and I split the time between them, so where is my childhood home?), I need to come up with an answer that I'm comfortable giving. It's a normal question and I have to be prepared for it.

If you're someone like me who has lots of questions that require personal answers, you have to be ready with answers even for questions like the pidyon haben one. It's uncomfortable. But if you're the questioner, please be sensitive and more cautious. You can talk, you can ask. But be aware.

For those who asked, here are some topics I like bringing up with ppl I don't know well:
- A book I read recently/ask what they think about a certain topic
- current events
- A hobby or interest I have, ask if they're interested or what they like to do
- Comment on something you see, ask if they have an opinion
- An upcoming event/yom tov (ex: do you have any good ideas of a way to make Lag Ba'omer extra special? Have you ever heard a good speaker on the topic? etc)

If you're really interested in the other person and in being curious about their life and what is interesting to them, you'll find things to talk about.