Just Don't Ask | Imamother

amother

Cyclamen

Sat, May 25 2024, 9:34 pm

TR91 wrote:

Worse than asking? Asking a second and third and fourth time when the answer was vague. Banging head

Oh yes, some don't get the hint or don't care Sad

amother

Maroon

Sat, May 25 2024, 9:54 pm

amother Cantaloupe wrote:

Please don’t ask your kids friends where their parents daven!

Adults as well.

Don't ask where dh davens or about his Learning. Maybe he doesn't...

amother

Maroon

Sat, May 25 2024, 9:56 pm

...how many kids someone has.
They might have none or want to have more but can't.

WhatFor

Sat, May 25 2024, 10:12 pm

amother Springgreen wrote:

I can only talk for myself, obviously, but I think there's a lot of common sense and balance that needs to be exercised here. There are certain things that should not be asked, period. Other things that once in a while may push someone's buttons but there is no way to know that and it is considered a normal question.
I say this as someone who has a lot of such 'buttons'. But I know that I need to have answers and I can't expect everyone to be more sensitive than typical common sense calls for.

Ex: Asking someone 'are you making a pidyon haben?' is ttly out of bounds. There's no reason for you to be nosey like that, and many negative responses to this question are very personal. I've been asked this many times and it still stings.
On the other hand, asking someone 'where are you from?' is a normal question. If there's no straight answer (let's say mom lives in NY while dad lives in Chicago, and I split the time between them, so where is my childhood home?), I need to come up with an answer that I'm comfortable giving. It's a normal question and I have to be prepared for it.

If you're someone like me who has lots of questions that require personal answers, you have to be ready with answers even for questions like the pidyon haben one. It's uncomfortable. But if you're the questioner, please be sensitive and more cautious. You can talk, you can ask. But be aware.

For those who asked, here are some topics I like bringing up with ppl I don't know well:
- A book I read recently/ask what they think about a certain topic
- current events
- A hobby or interest I have, ask if they're interested or what they like to do
- Comment on something you see, ask if they have an opinion
- An upcoming event/yom tov (ex: do you have any good ideas of a way to make Lag Ba'omer extra special? Have you ever heard a good speaker on the topic? etc)

If you're really interested in the other person and in being curious about their life and what is interesting to them, you'll find things to talk about.

100%. There are so many questions people shouldn't be asking, like why there's a gap between two children. (News flash: It's either of 2 reasons: by choice, or not by choice. Unless someone volunteers that info, it's none of your business.)

Then there are those that are more benign, and the questioner is very unlikely to be asking for a detailed response. Like "how's married life?" Think of that as "how's life?" But the questioner is just acknowledging that you recently got married. Feel free to give a vague answer just like you would when a neighbor asks "how are you?" when you're having a rough time but don't feel like sharing that. "Fine." "B"H." "Good" are all acceptable answers.

"How's (newly married child)?" can be treated the same as if someone asks about any child. The questioner is generally trying to communicate that they care about you by inquiring about someone you love who just underwent a significant life change. You can use the same answers as above. Almost no one is asking that question to find out the dirty details of the newlywed's life. It would actually generally be inappropriate to give too much info.

People need to stop asking nosy questions, but on the other hand, people can also give some grace to those asking generally neutral questions that happen to be sensitive. Should no one ask a kid "how's school?" or an adult "how's work?" in case they're having a rough time?

amother

Peru

Sat, May 25 2024, 10:22 pm

When are you due? (I got that question since I haven’t lost the weight from my last pregnancy)

amother

Crimson

Sun, May 26 2024, 1:46 am

Past week someone asked my husband how old is his oldest. When he said he doesn’t have kids that person went on to tell my husband that it’s so important to adopt.

As if we don’t want to adopt, as if it’s up to us and we haven’t tried.

amother

Cerulean

Sun, May 26 2024, 10:41 am

I second "How is your couple doing"?

Ruchel

Sun, May 26 2024, 12:48 pm

And if you ask, accept the answer ! don't "are you sure" or "I'm sure you are"
I'm thinking of pregnant and twins here

don't ask "have you gained weight". I WILL lie.

don't push and push until the person cries (my cousin who was told peru urevu is so important, well SHE KNOWS and peru urevu is TRYING)

amother

Aconite

Sun, May 26 2024, 1:37 pm

Guys this started out "normal". IE I agree with you get kids we need to be careful but with adults can we not learn to say "I'm not comfortable discussing that can we move on".
if we can't learn resilience, oy.
even our teens (if relatively healthy kids) can learn to say "I'm not yet sure where I will go to sem, but I know Hashem has a plan",
really

amother

Viola

Sun, May 26 2024, 3:07 pm

amother Daphne wrote:

I had a thread few months back about pidyon haben because I had a miscarriage and was nervous people would ask. Turns out I had a boy but jokes on me cuz he was emergency c section so I had an answer to give. And yes people did ask

Don’t ask a 12th grader about seminary. I just saw this happen in a room of people and she had to say she didn’t get in anywhere yet

Same here… had emergency c section and dh friends and not even friends just ppl from shul kept asking if we’re making a pidyon haben… when answered no, question was why??

amother

Viola

Sun, May 26 2024, 3:11 pm

Are you nursing?
Are you still nursing?
Why don’t you nurse?

happy chick

Sun, May 26 2024, 3:19 pm

How old I am and what color hair is under my wig

amother

Currant

Sun, May 26 2024, 3:21 pm

amother Peru wrote:

When are you due? (I got that question since I haven’t lost the weight from my last pregnancy)

Yeah this question is only ok as a follow up to someone telling you that they are pregnant.

amother

Currant

Sun, May 26 2024, 3:28 pm

I think some people are being over sensitive here though. This is getting kind of crazy. Honestly if you’re offended by some of these questions then that’s just too much to talk about. You wouldn’t even be ok with your friends asking you if you are nursing? Amongst my friends it’s a totally normal question we would ask each other and we don’t really care if the answer is yes or no. We don’t judge. Some people nurse, some don’t, etc but it’s just a convo starter and people like to talk about themselves and the choices they make sometimes.
At least in my group of friends.
That’s just one example.
If EVERYTHING is taboo what exactly do you ever talk to people about?
I’m sure there is something everyone doesn’t want to be asked but those same questions many people may be fine with being asked.

There are exceptions like “are you pregnant?” Which is always a no-no.

But otherwise it’s not so clear.

amother

Viola

Sun, May 26 2024, 3:32 pm

amother Currant wrote:

Before you say that some ppl are overly sensitive- I had a random woman who knows my mom just from the street ask me if I’m still nursing. Now please explain to me why that’s her business???

amother

Viola

Sun, May 26 2024, 3:33 pm

And if I say I’m not nursing, than why’s it your business to know the reason?

amother

Teal

Sun, May 26 2024, 3:37 pm

Why did hatzala come to your house? I was so worried about you. And when I said ty, everything’s fine bh, most just said great but I’ve had the 2 people pressing me for info. NOT OK!!!!! I’m so so sorry that you’re so curious, but it’s actually none of your business!

amother

Sand

Sun, May 26 2024, 3:43 pm

I don't understand why miscarriages are such a secret. Can someone explain?

Success10

Sun, May 26 2024, 3:45 pm

Before a minor fast day "Are you fasting?"

amother

Teal

Sun, May 26 2024, 3:48 pm

amother Sand wrote:

I don't understand why miscarriages are such a secret. Can someone explain?

I can’t explain for everyone, but I’ll explain for myself. I don’t want or need your pity. The people who I thought would be a support system for me were told about it. Others who love to just gossip, or who just wouldn’t be there for me weren’t told. It’s a hard thing to go through and everyone is entitled to tell or keep private