Just Don't Ask | Imamother

Log in / Sign Up

List of Forums + New Post Recipe Box Usergroups Following My Posts Bookmarks

Private Messages Advanced Search Rules New User Guide FAQ Advertise Contact Us

Forum -> Relationships -> Manners & Etiquette

Just Don't Ask

Previous 1 2 3 4 5 Next

View latest: 24h 48h 72h

amother

Daphne

Sun, May 26 2024, 3:49 pm

amother Sand wrote:

I don't understand why miscarriages are such a secret. Can someone explain?

Not a secret, but private. I don't want your pity, and I know there would be some members of my family who would just blab about it to everyone if they knew. It's something really hard and personal that happened to me and dh and I don't want to have to talk to you about it or answer your questions or accept your sympathy

amother

Daphne

Sun, May 26 2024, 3:52 pm

amother Currant wrote:

I think some people are being over sensitive here though. This is getting kind of crazy. Honestly if you’re offended by some of these questions then that’s just too much to talk about. You wouldn’t even be ok with your friends asking you if you are nursing? Amongst my friends it’s a totally normal question we would ask each other and we don’t really care if the answer is yes or no. We don’t judge. Some people nurse, some don’t, etc but it’s just a convo starter and people like to talk about themselves and the choices they make sometimes.
At least in my group of friends.
That’s just one example.
If EVERYTHING is taboo what exactly do you ever talk to people about?
I’m sure there is something everyone doesn’t want to be asked but those same questions many people may be fine with being asked.

There are exceptions like “are you pregnant?” Which is always a no-no.

But otherwise it’s not so clear.

There's a certain basic level of sensitivity that should be expected of anyone with social skills. Some things are just off limits. If I ask you where your sixth grader goes to school I have no way of knowing that was an insensitive question because he's not in a school right now. You can ask normal questions and if it's sensitive, read the room and move on. But it's never okay to ask about pregnancy, details of someone's illness, etc.

Raizle

Sun, May 26 2024, 3:52 pm

Look, I also have issues with certain questions I get asked but at this rate you might as well abolish small talk as a means to try and connect with people. How are you supposed to make conversation and show interest in people's life if every question might be a sore point for someone. Just learn to read body language and think before asking things but there's a point where it's just going over board. If one was to take on board every sensitivity listed then you would never be able to communicate with anyone. People don't like when you ask too much but people also don't like when you don't show interest in their lives. You can never get it completely right

amother

Daphne

Sun, May 26 2024, 3:53 pm

amother Viola wrote:

Same here… had emergency c section and dh friends and not even friends just ppl from shul kept asking if we’re making a pidyon haben… when answered no, question was why??

I would hope hope hope that they're just not aware of the reasons why someone wouldn't make a pidyon and are assuming that one of you is a Levi... otherwise that is really socially off

amother

Springgreen

Sun, May 26 2024, 3:58 pm

Personally I just can't figure out for the life of me why discussions about nursing and birth are normal conversation topics. I know they are for some reason, and I have to accept that and expect that people will ask questions (and yes, many of them will judge or give advice/opinions that are very unsolicited), but I still can't figure out why it's considered acceptable to ask a woman about something that should be personal. It's my body and I should be able to choose what I want to discuss about it. Why should you be able to ask me if I needed stitches after birth? Why is it alright for you to ask me how my nursing is going (and if I say 'I'm not nursing', why is it okay to ask why not?). If you're a close friend or someone I turn to for advice, that's a different story. This thread is aimed at random acquaintances. I'm still attempting to figure out why so many people took it personally when I told them I wasn't comfortable discussing these things.

So yes, I can say I'm not comfortable. But many people don't understand that and for some odd reason they take that as an invitation to dig deeper.

Re the miscarriages - miscarriage is something that the person can share or choose not to, same as any other event in their lives. If they choose not to, that's their prerogative.
When we had a mc, it was extremely painful for us (we were still PIF at that point, and were already married a few years) and I didn't want other people know about it for mainly 2 reasons: a) they could never understand the pain we were in. I was proven correct about this with almost all the people we did eventually share with (not counting my other IF friends). They made very stupid and insensitive comments that I had to swallow because I knew they meant well but simply could never understand. And b) please don't judge, but as someone living with Male Factor infertility, it's hard when the whole world seems to think it's obviously my issue, and having a miscarriage (which was actually probably due to low quality sperm) just reinforced that opinion for them. I didn't have the patience for it. I didn't want to hear any more suggestions about what vitamins I should be taking, which treatments help egg quality, or anything else. I didn't want suggestions or judgements - period. And if I don't want to hear about it, then I better just not share about the miscarriage! Maybe you'd be smarter, but I'd heard enough comments back to make me keep my mouth shut.

amother

DarkKhaki

Sun, May 26 2024, 4:04 pm

amother Daphne wrote:

I would hope hope hope that they're just not aware of the reasons why someone wouldn't make a pidyon and are assuming that one of you is a Levi... otherwise that is really socially off

Some people aren’t aware at all. We are leviim and when I told my friend we’re not doing one she said “oh it’s not a sfardi minhag?) we are Sefardi.

amother

Tiffanyblue

Sun, May 26 2024, 4:04 pm

convert here...

really bothers me when around a shabbos table ppl who don't know me at all ask my maiden name... shuts down that "friendly" game of jewish geography EVERY TIME

amother

Feverfew

Sun, May 26 2024, 4:09 pm

amother Tiffanyblue wrote:

convert here...

really bothers me when around a shabbos table ppl who don't know me at all ask my mother's maiden name... shuts down that "friendly" game of jewish geography EVERY TIME

I once asked a convert what her name was before she was married... She said 'White, not related to the other White family'.
I was so embarrassed when I found out later that she was a Giyoires, but I think the way she side-stepped the question was very clever.

amother

Daphne

Sun, May 26 2024, 4:16 pm

amother Tiffanyblue wrote:

convert here...

really bothers me when around a shabbos table ppl who don't know me at all ask my maiden name... shuts down that "friendly" game of jewish geography EVERY TIME

I think that’s a question within the range of normal to and someone. I don’t go around assuming most people are converts and if I happen to encounter someone who is then I lll move on from the question if it made them uncomfortable.

amother

Taupe

Mon, May 27 2024, 5:18 am

amother Currant wrote:

I think it depends on who is talking. If I was chatting to my friends or my sister/sil, then that is often a normal conversation. But if it's a random acquaintance of my mom or a neighbor down the road, it's a little intrusive for them to be asking, and it's usually for no reason other than them being nosy.
And for me a lot of conversation is about reading the room/person. Watch how the other person reacts to the question, and then let it drop if they seem uncomfortable. Most questions are okay to ask, but sometimes that particular question can be a sore point for that particular person. Asking how their child is doing in 6th grade, for most people it's fine. For the person whose child is struggling or been excluded from school, then it's going to be uncomfortable. But then you should be picking up on that and changing the conversation.
Some questions are never okay, like asking about fertility or pregnancy.

amother

Crocus

Mon, May 27 2024, 5:25 am

amother DarkKhaki wrote:

Some people aren’t aware at all. We are leviim and when I told my friend we’re not doing one she said “oh it’s not a sfardi minhag?) we are Sefardi.

Can happen the other way round too.
I know a couple who made a pidyon haben for their second child Confused

First child was from father's preivous marriage, not everyone knew that.

amother

Cognac

Mon, May 27 2024, 6:02 am

I had a neighbour (and not someone I'm close with) once ask me 'what are you waiting for' in regards to having kids. It was very hurtful and I didn't really respond.

In certain instances, people need to think before they speak.

wanttobehappy

Mon, May 27 2024, 6:11 am

I am a photographer I learned not to ask how many children do u haves cause some have kids that passed away or in mental hospitals… they don’t know if they should count them. I ask who will be joining the shoot. Never assume a spouse is joining.

amother

Brass

Mon, May 27 2024, 6:15 am

A question that is not appropriate is one with which the answer is most likely something private, for example, asking someone why they are not drinking alcohol.

I think it's fine to ask someone what their maiden name is (and I'm a convert with a maiden name that is obviously not Jewish.) The asker was probably asking to play Jewish geography and with such an answer the game's over. They obviously should not then ask if the person is a convert or comment that it doesn't seem like a Jewish name, but the initial question is fine.

I also think asking a 12th grader what they're doing next year is completely normal. It can be a great conversation starter to show interest in the person. If someone does not wish to share because they don't want people to know they haven't been accepted anywhere (which by the way is not an embarassing situation to be in but I understand why some would be sensitive), they can simply say "Oh I'm not sure at the moment" or "still need to finalise plans." The onus is then on the asker to pick up on the social cues and drop the topic.

Same for asking someone what grade they're in. I have a lot of sympathy for the 22 year old who was asked, but that is a highly unusual situation.

amother

Banana

Mon, May 27 2024, 7:20 am

amother DarkKhaki wrote:

Some people aren’t aware at all. We are leviim and when I told my friend we’re not doing one she said “oh it’s not a sfardi minhag?) we are Sefardi.

I'm sorry but it's just not ok for people to not know this, mothers take note and educate your children. You don't want them to be this person.

amother

Trillium

Mon, May 27 2024, 10:55 am

Frum nurse kept asking about pidyon haben right after our son was born (after a few losses) and I really struggled to be kind agh

amother

Smokey

Mon, May 27 2024, 11:00 am

amother Tiffanyblue wrote:

convert here...

really bothers me when around a shabbos table ppl who don't know me at all ask my maiden name... shuts down that "friendly" game of jewish geography EVERY TIME

Ugh I hate that question too but for other reasons. I have a very unusual maiden name that people can immediately identify (and my family has a terrible reputation). I'll often to give a super generic last name which is actually not a lie because it is an original family last name in our family tree....

amother

IndianRed

Mon, May 27 2024, 11:13 am

amother Hyacinth wrote:

That gives a vibe of self-centeredness. Generally when you meet someone, you make inquiries of them, not talk about yourself.

Regardless, wouldnt it have tons of triggers too in them? If I talk about my married children, maybe she is struggling with shidduchim. If I talk about my pregnancy, maybe she just had a miscarriage. If I talk about my summer plans, maybe she is struggling financially.

I guess it's just best to ignore each other, or just wave and give a shy smile as you walk past each other.

I have social anxiety and this is exactly why I can never think of anything to say at a kiddush. I'm so cautious not to offend. I'm sure I come off as aloof and probably self-centered.

amother

Feverfew

Mon, May 27 2024, 12:18 pm

amother Smokey wrote:

I know someone like this...she actually changed their surname to a very generic one, changed their passports, birth certificates, everything. When someone asks 'which cohen' they say that they've moved...

zaq

Mon, May 27 2024, 12:37 pm

Success10 wrote:

Before a minor fast day "Are you fasting?"

What's wrong with that? Not that it's something anyone necessarily needs to know, but if you're going to go that route, there is absolutely nothing about you that anyone who isn't a professional serving you in some way needs to know except, perhaps, your name. Even that they don't genuinely need to know, do they? They can call you "Ma'am" or call you "You with the blue headscarf." And you can converse by exchanging tidbits on the parashah of the week or contact information for providers of various services such as lawnmowing and shoe repair.

Many women don't fast the minor fasts, and not necessarily because they're lax in their frumkeit. They may have been brought up that way. They may have a health condition that puts them at risk of something unpleasant or dangerous if they fast. They may not see a purpose to minor religious fasts. Not everything is about trying to tease out the possibility that you might be pregnant.

Page 4 of 5

Previous 1 2 3 4 5 Next