Indirect communication

chen

Fri, Dec 02 2005, 11:55 am

Spinoff from the "jewelry" thread:

hardwrknmom wrote:

I wasn't asking about where I can purchase my jewelry I was asking the ladies where THEY buy their jewelry Smile

....oh well.......

A classic example of how people can miscommunicate: when asked a question, women usually answer not the literal face value "where do you buy your jewelry?" but rather the question we assume is embedded therein: "where can I buy jewelry like yours?" I suppose because we are trained early on to be tactful rather than direct, and when we ask "where do you get your whatever?" we often really mean "where do you get your whatever because I want to get the same thing" or "where do you get your wahtever because I want to figure out how expensive it is" or "where do you get your whatever because I want to avoid the place like the plague". LOL

Even when we answer the face-value question, we can be answering the assumed, embedded question.

Case in point:
My then-best friend got married not long before I did. When I became a kallah and was looking to borrow a gown, I asked her what size her wedding gown was. Understand, this woman had been my very best friend. We not only knew each other's dress size, we knew each other's weight, preferred underwear style, and other intimate stuff I think our own husbands don't know. Thus, my question was not a nosy request for information (I knew the answer), but rather a lead-in that was supposed to elicit the response "why don't you try it on and see how it fits you?" I was embarrassed to come right out and ask her to lend me the gown, but I hoped she'd offer.

anyway, when she answered the question at face value ("it was custom-made to my measurements and was not a standard size off the rack") it was clear that she was also answering my unasked, embedded question, and the answer was "no".

Incidentally, I was touched and amazed by the number of casual friends, neighbors, and total strangers who offered me their gowns-- without being asked-- when they heard I was a kallah. Every one of them acted as if I'd be doing her an honor and a favor by wearing her gown. (Which of course made my first friend's tacit refusal look so much worse.)

Motek

Sun, Dec 04 2005, 9:01 am

Quote:

anyway, when she answered the question at face value ("it was custom-made to my measurements and was not a standard size off the rack") it was clear that she was also answering my unasked, embedded question, and the answer was "no".

maybe clear, maybe not

you can't be 100% sure unless you ask(ed) directly!

if she was such a close friend at that time, I'm surprised you couldn't ask her directly