Hype About Potching

amother

Banana

Mon, Dec 25 2023, 8:28 am

amother Peach wrote:

Tapping? Tapping is what I do on your shoulder when I want to get your attention. If that's the level of force you're using then no, it isn't abuse. But I suspect that's not what we're talking about.

But it is. For many people. the word "potch" means a tap to get your child's attention. Getting the attention of your child can stop the negative behavior. Simple as that.

amother

Peach

Mon, Dec 25 2023, 8:29 am

amother Banana wrote:

What do you do if/when your child bites people?

There are, I'm sure, any number of ways to deal with a child who is biting. But do you not see the problem of telling a child: You're not allowed to hurt other people. So the solution is I'm now going to do what I just told you you're not allowed to do and hurt you.

amother

Banana

Mon, Dec 25 2023, 8:30 am

amother Peach wrote:

So what do you do?

amother

Peach

Mon, Dec 25 2023, 8:31 am

amother Banana wrote:

But it is. For many people. the word "potch" means a tap to get your child's attention. Getting the attention of your child can stop the negative behavior. Simple as that.

Then we may be having two completely separate conversations here and some clarity is needed. In my mind potch = pain. I was hit very hard as a child. Nobody ever tapped me on my hand.

amother

Banana

Mon, Dec 25 2023, 8:33 am

amother Peach wrote:

Then we may be having two completely separate conversations here and some clarity is needed. In my mind potch = pain. I was hit very hard as a child. Nobody ever tapped me on my hand.

Being hit "very hard" is abuse. Yet, people forget that a "potch" doesn't have to be very hard and they still call it abuse.

Personally, that's why I think threads on the topic are always heated. Because there is no clairty on what is being spoken about.

According to my definition and the definition of some others, saying "I potch my kid" is not at all abusive yet other people would call CPS.

In my world, a "potch" is a tap to the hand. Abusive, huh?

sushilover

Mon, Dec 25 2023, 8:37 am

Giraffe wrote:

So my child woke up after I potched her last night for not sleeping on time and I said she is not allowed to tell the school about it or there will be severe punishment.

The school threatened to call CPS on me last time. Stupid woke school. Look how horrible society is today. Never be nice to kids.

I used to have painful feelings when I potched but after doing it so many times I just do not feel bad for my child anymore. Guess this is how my parents felt when they hit me for everything.

So glad potching is allowed, makes up for migraines and nausea and painful pregnancies. I can now inflict pain on my child as payback. I used to be against it but this forum convinced me it is a moral thing to do.

I am so objective and unemotional and not hysterical. Emotions are horrible. We should all strive to be automatons.

Oh are we using sarcasm? That's fun. I'll join in.

My child got in trouble for pouring water over his teacher. I held him and comforted him. I also called the school and yelled at them for punishing him by taking away his recess. I think it is abuse for an eight year old to not be allowed to play with his peers just because he did something slightly rambunctious. I think I'll call CPS on them.

I praised my son's playfulness, told him his school was wrong for not empathizing enough, and we had a talk about feelings. I teach him that his emotions are all valid and if he feels like he has to pour water on someone, it is necessary to honor those feelings in a kinder way. I am absolutely confident that he will never do anything wrong again (not that he was wrong) . But if he does, it's the school's fault for abusing him with their so- called discipline.

I am so in tuned and empathetic. Logic is horrible. We should all strive to be true to our emotions, no matter what.

amother

Banana

Mon, Dec 25 2023, 8:51 am

amother Lightgray wrote:

This thread makes me realize that most people don’t know what their role as a parent is. It’s sad.

(Call it tapping, potching or time out. Doesn’t matter. Obedience is not the goal of parenting)

Obedient is a scary word meaning capable of listening to another person's request or rules.

Is that the goal of parenting? No. Is being capable of listening part of growing up? Yes.

sushilover

Mon, Dec 25 2023, 8:56 am

amother Lightgray wrote:

This thread makes me realize that most people don’t know what their role as a parent is. It’s sad.

(Call it tapping, potching or time out. Doesn’t matter. Obedience is not the goal of parenting)

Proof that many of the arguments people have against potching can be used against virtually any discipline method.

Obedience is certainly one of my parenting goals, though not the most important. If my child doesn't obey me, it's a recipe for disaster and can be quite dangerous.

Try to spend some time in a household with disobedient children and I think your tune will change. No one wants to live like that, least of all the kids.

amother

Lightgray

Mon, Dec 25 2023, 9:00 am

sushilover wrote:

Um… I’m a mom too you know.

amother

Buttercup

Mon, Dec 25 2023, 9:02 am

amother Peach wrote:

Not condemning or condoning potching, but it can serve as a deterrent. If a child bites (and other methods failed), then knowing that he will get hurt if he hurts someone else can be an effective deterrent.

Just curious, if it was your child who was being bitten aggressively every day, would you want the other parent to take the passive slow approach, or do whatever is needed to put a stop to it immediately? (Obviously not referring to abusing the child.)

amother

Buttercup

Mon, Dec 25 2023, 9:07 am

amother Lightgray wrote:

Um… I’m a mom too you know.

Umm... not all children are the same. Some are more easygoing, some are more difficult.. some push all buttons, some are naturally obedient, etc.

There isn't one parenting approach that works for all kids. The challenge is parenting each child according to their individual needs. What works for one kid, can have an opposite effect on the other. This is what makes parenting so difficult.

BrisketBoss

Mon, Dec 25 2023, 10:25 am

amother Buttercup wrote:

The new ways--not the permissive ways of well-meaning gentle-parent wannabes, but the respectful and research-based ways--are especially good with more challenging children. The strong-willed, the neurodivergent, etc. More typical kids are more likely to respond to traditional parenting alright.

I start with the same baseline for every kid. I don't try the traditional ways first to see if they'll work. It's not so much a parenting method as a way of perceiving children and behavior, from which the rest follows naturally. I don't treat each child the same, but that's the same way as I don't treat every adult the same. We're all different and have different relationships.

I never say, "This child does what I want but that one doesn't. What can I try to get them to do what I want?"

I do think my firstborn is an easygoing, more compliant type. With my second, I could easily have ended up being one of those parents saying "Help! What do I do! My first was never like this!"

But I didn't, because I didn't have 'listening' as an expectation or value at any point.

amother

Yarrow

Mon, Dec 25 2023, 12:34 pm

amother Buttercup wrote:

Potching a child for biting is sure to teach him to be even more aggressive.

amother

Yarrow

Mon, Dec 25 2023, 12:37 pm

exaustedmom wrote:

I believe that potching is lazy parenting.

Sure, if your child does something wrong, its instantaneous and easier to give a potch and be done with it. But did he learn anything? Have you taken the time to explain what he did wrong and how he can rectify his behaviour?

We know potching doesnt work and is damaging. How do we know that? Because the generation that was potched is literally trying to tell you that!!!

You summarized the whole issue nicely. Thank you.

amother

Buttercup

Mon, Dec 25 2023, 1:09 pm

exaustedmom wrote:

The true measure of this will be the next generation. Will the next generation say that my parents didn't discipline appropriately and they therefore had to either put up with a lot of cr*p, or struggle to figure out adulthood.

Each generation thinks they figured it out - they know exactly how to get it right. Then comes the next generation and then blames them for whatever they did 😀.

Personally, I think any approach that calls for 'never' or 'always' doesn't have it right. There are appropriate times for everything, some frequent use, some occasionally used, some sparingly used, some rarely used, etc. Any approach can be abused or inappropriately applied, so that concept in itself isn't a disqualifier.

The key to everything is life is a happy medium. (The Torah in itself promotes a happy medium for life.) The challenge in life is figuring out what is appropriate for a specific set of of circumstances at this time. There is no one size fits all approach in life. Tbere is no one size fits all concept in life. People who think there is one answer, or one solution to a challenge are the ones who don't have it right.

amother

Banana

Mon, Dec 25 2023, 2:55 pm

amother Yarrow wrote:

Potching a child for biting is sure to teach him to be even more aggressive.

Funny you say that. I know someone who was a biter as a young child and he said that one day after biting his father hard enough to cut his skin, his father bit his hand back. While telling me this story this young man said while chuckling "After that, I never bit anyone again!"

Sounds terribly scarred and aggressive.

amother

Poinsettia

Mon, Dec 25 2023, 2:58 pm

amother Banana wrote:

Are we applauding a parent who bit their child? I don't care what the reason was, this is not OK