Hype About Potching

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Hype About Potching

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amother

Banana

Mon, Dec 25 2023, 3:00 pm

amother Poinsettia wrote:

Are we applauding a parent who bit their child? I don't care what the reason was, this is not OK

I wouldn't say I'm applauding them but this notion that children are totally ruined when we are harsh with them 5% of the time is beyond.

Would you have liked this child to go to your son in school and bite him whenever he so choose?

How would you have dealt with this situation?

amother

Lightgray

Mon, Dec 25 2023, 3:02 pm

sequoia wrote:

The “happy medium” is a good thing, but it is possible to take true ideas and apply them falsely.

Just as there is no judicious amount of starving your kids, there is no judicious amount of hitting them.

So eloquently put. As always.

amother

Banana

Mon, Dec 25 2023, 3:02 pm

I'm still waiting for someone to tell me how they would deal with a child who bites people? All I've hear is "I'm sure there are methods."

And they are...?

amother

Poinsettia

Mon, Dec 25 2023, 3:03 pm

amother Banana wrote:

There are other ways to stop biting. Biting back puts the adult on the same level as the kid. You bit me so now I bite back. This is the perfect example of a power struggle.
You can try removing him from the room, you can try words, you can discuss with a behavioral therapist......

amother

Firebrick

Mon, Dec 25 2023, 3:04 pm

amother Banana wrote:

I'm still waiting for someone to tell me how they would deal with a child who bites people? All I've hear is "I'm sure there are methods."

And they are...?

m
I already told you. Talk to them.

My kids bit people and I took them aside, explained to them why it’s not ok, and it stopped. If they repeated the behavior they couldn’t play with that friend or sibling until they stopped…

amother

Pink

Mon, Dec 25 2023, 3:07 pm

sequoia wrote:

Agreed. What constitutes a happy medium depends what's a contender in the first place.

amother

Pewter

Mon, Dec 25 2023, 3:08 pm

amother Poinsettia wrote:

Shlomo Hamelechs words are not meant to be understood literally. Learn the meforshim.

So basically it's ok to yell and scream instead of potching? If that's not what this means, what DOES it mean?

amother

Lightgray

Mon, Dec 25 2023, 3:10 pm

BrisketBoss wrote:

The new ways--not the permissive ways of well-meaning gentle-parent wannabes, but the respectful and research-based ways--are especially good with more challenging children. The strong-willed, the neurodivergent, etc. More typical kids are more likely to respond to traditional parenting alright.

I start with the same baseline for every kid. I don't try the traditional ways first to see if they'll work. It's not so much a parenting method as a way of perceiving children and behavior, from which the rest follows naturally. I don't treat each child the same, but that's the same way as I don't treat every adult the same. We're all different and have different relationships.

I never say, "This child does what I want but that one doesn't. What can I try to get them to do what I want?"

I do think my firstborn is an easygoing, more compliant type. With my second, I could easily have ended up being one of those parents saying "Help! What do I do! My first was never like this!"

But I didn't, because I didn't have 'listening' as an expectation or value at any point.

This. Brisketboss I’ve learnt a lot from your parenting posts over the years. Although I’ve been raised more or less this way, you only helped me understand it better.

I feel like most of what we are trying to explain is falling on deaf ears. People are arguing till their blue in the face whether a slap is hurtful, whether there are times to do it, whether other punishments are better.

They are simply not understanding the concept that being a parent isn’t like being a trainer.

amother

Poinsettia

Mon, Dec 25 2023, 3:13 pm

amother Pewter wrote:

So basically it's ok to yell and scream instead of potching? If that's not what this means, what DOES it mean?

Who said anything about yelling and screaming?

Actually, one medrash is that the staff refers to the the staff used to direct sheep. One doesn't hit his cattle with the stick, he uses it to direct them to the right path. A parent's job is to put their children on the right path which can be accomplished EVEN without hitting.

amother

Yarrow

Mon, Dec 25 2023, 3:36 pm

amother Banana wrote:

Funny you say that. I know someone who was a biter as a young child and he said that one day after biting his father hard enough to cut his skin, his father bit his hand back. While telling me this story this young man said while chuckling "After that, I never bit anyone again!"

Sounds terribly scarred and aggressive.

Definitely scarred. People laugh away their hurt all the time.

Notice I didn't say that potching a biter wouldn't stop him from biting again. 50% chance it will. But the frustration, hurt, confusion that takes place inside the biter will make aggression come out in different or more ways.

Btw how old is this biter? Most kids who bite aren't doing it to hurt their friend. Depends on age and intent. It would be awful to smack a child who bites because he's teething or needs oral sensory stimulation.

amother

Banana

Mon, Dec 25 2023, 4:15 pm

amother Firebrick wrote:

Has not worked for my child. I haven't tried biting them yet (!!) but she has not stopped biting even when I calmly explain to her that it really hurts.

You know what she does? She bites at her school.

amother

Banana

Mon, Dec 25 2023, 4:16 pm

amother Poinsettia wrote:

I don't believe in isolation. I think that's abuse. Have you heard of solitary? Imagine feeling so unworthy that your mother doesn't even want to be around you.

amother

Firebrick

Mon, Dec 25 2023, 4:17 pm

amother Banana wrote:

I don't believe in isolation. I think that's abuse. Have you heard of solitary? Imagine feeling so unworthy that your mother doesn't even want to be around you.

Why do you keep saying isolation and solitary? Removing them from the fun area doesn’t mean solitary. It just means away. It can be away with a parent together with them.

amother

Banana

Mon, Dec 25 2023, 4:18 pm

Any behavioral therapists want to weigh in on how to stop a child from biting in a non-abusive way?

amother

Banana

Mon, Dec 25 2023, 4:19 pm

amother Firebrick wrote:

Why do you keep saying isolation and solitary? Removing them from the fun area doesn’t mean solitary. It just means away. It can be away with a parent together with them.

I'm always supervising my young children. I can't be in two places at once. So it means leaving someone by themself.

amother

Poinsettia

Mon, Dec 25 2023, 4:21 pm

amother Banana wrote:

I don't believe in isolation. I think that's abuse. Have you heard of solitary? Imagine feeling so unworthy that your mother doesn't even want to be around you.

From the way you're throwing around isolation it's clear that you don't know what it means.
Removing the kid can mean sitting him down somewhere even 2 feet away, sit with him if it makes you feel better, and explaining why you removed him. How is this isolation?

amother

Firebrick

Mon, Dec 25 2023, 4:23 pm

amother Banana wrote:

I'm always supervising my young children. I can't be in two places at once. So it means leaving someone by themself.

Can be right outside the room by the threshold. Or on the next couch.

amother

Banana

Mon, Dec 25 2023, 4:24 pm

amother Firebrick wrote:

Can be right outside the room by the threshold. Or on the next couch.

What's going to make her stay there? How would I keep her from running right back to the action?

amother

Yarrow

Mon, Dec 25 2023, 4:29 pm

amother Banana wrote:

I don't believe in isolation. I think that's abuse. Have you heard of solitary? Imagine feeling so unworthy that your mother doesn't even want to be around you.

On your lap.
Exaggerating isn't helping anyone.

amother

Banana

Mon, Dec 25 2023, 4:31 pm

amother Yarrow wrote:

On your lap.
Exaggerating isn't helping anyone.

I'll give it a go.

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