Spinoff cosleeping - no intimacy!

amother

↑ OP ↓

Thu, Apr 04 2024, 1:55 am

amother Geranium wrote:

OP, if you're concerned about your baby falling out of bed, take your mattress off the frame and put it on the floor. There, all danger gone.

(This is something I've done myself.)

Alternatively, put a second mattress on the floor. Put baby to sleep with you on that mattress. Then move to your regular bed to dtd.

There is no room to put the mattress on the floor. Otherwise that's where I would put the baby - if he rolls off there would be a gentle thump and he'd be awake but at least no immediate danger that I couldn't get ahead of fast enough. But I have just a couple of feet of clearance around the beds. Though your comment has me thinking if there's anything that can be rearranged to make this possible... First glimmer of hope on this thread. Going to work on that. There's a desk I can possibly get rid of.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Thu, Apr 04 2024, 1:56 am

imaima wrote:

A baby who was asleep a second ago will take some time to fully wake up and crawl. It won’t be right away

I guess you've never met my baby. Less than a minute for sure. Could I notice the stirring baby, detach from dh, and get over to the bed in less than a minute? Unlikely

↑ heidi

Thu, Apr 04 2024, 1:58 am

amother OP wrote:

Baby is strong enough to climb over anything I would prop on the sides.

How does a living room couch help? First of all the living room does not have a door to lock. Secondly where is the baby in that scenario? In confused.

I also think the 1 inch outside the box comment is needlessly harsh. You don't have to believe me but I did already relate that I tried several rounds of several methods of sleep training and considered all the workaround ideas I could think of with no success. I came here desperate for help and support and I'm getting a ton of judgment. If you don't relate to this situation then you can't help so please leave me alone.

This is obviously a sore topic for you
And you have already made up your mind that nothing will work
So it sounds like you wanted people to validate that choice and the difficulty that comes with it.
Which is what you wrote in your first post
You might want to have this thread locked if it's causing you so much anguish.

amother

Trillium

Thu, Apr 04 2024, 1:59 am

amother OP wrote:

Put him to sleep lying together with you on a toddler bed mattress on the floor. Baby goes to sleep and you go onto big bed.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Thu, Apr 04 2024, 1:59 am

amother Aconite wrote:

Would you actually have s-x in the same bed with your baby a foot away from you?? Am I the only one horrified by this?

When the alternative is no relations and the baby is too young to know the difference and sleeping quietly? Yes I would actually do it if I thought it were safe. having experienced dh's idea of gentle relations I do not believe it is safe but that's the only thing holding back this solution. Better a foot or two away sleeping than in a crib or stroller screaming bloody murder.

amother

↑ Geranium

Thu, Apr 04 2024, 2:01 am

You can also consider getting a full surround bed rail for your bed:
https://www.amazon.com/Fylirow.....ss_tl

(I thought about it but never did it.)

amother

↑ OP ↓

Thu, Apr 04 2024, 2:02 am

heidi wrote:

Yes I do believe I made it very clear in my first post (though someone actually did have a helpful suggestion about mattress arrangement that I hadn't thought of) so why should I have to lock this thread instead of people respecting that I'm looking for emotional support. If you realize this is a sore topic then you could respond by either staying quiet or being kind, why is your response to someone else's soreness to judge and criticize them.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Thu, Apr 04 2024, 2:03 am

amother Geranium wrote:

You can also consider getting a full surround bed rail for your bed:
https://www.amazon.com/Fylirow.....ss_tl

(I thought about it but never did it.)

Would work for a newborn. My baby climbs.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Thu, Apr 04 2024, 2:05 am

salt wrote:

Can someone explain what cosleeping entails - does the mother need to go to sleep and wake up at the same time as the baby every night?

More or less though it could look different for different people. Since baby will often stay asleep for some amount of time after I put him to sleep, I usually sneak off for a bit and leave dh watching him on my bed while I get some stuff done. Or I can do things nearby like get dressed in the morning while keeping an eye out if he's starting to wake up and go places.

Iymnok

Thu, Apr 04 2024, 2:09 am

You have let your baby dictate. You are scared of your baby.
Put your baby in a comfortable crib in another room to go to sleep every night.
The separation from you may help him sleep better.
Put him there for intimacy once a week. At least.

↑ imaima ↓

Thu, Apr 04 2024, 2:21 am

I am commenting on this part of the OP:

„I can't see any solution to this until baby magically decides to not scream upon approaching crib“.

Because I see and know and tried tons of solutions, and I just recently weaned this kind of a baby.

So what I want to say is 1) if your baby is at the age when he crawls but cannot stay asleep for 30 minutes in the evening, you should sleep train your baby for his own sake because there is no way it’s normal. In the evening they are naturally tired and have a longer stretch.
2) if no intimacy were happening I would be hiring a sitter to send her off with the baby in a stroller to be intimate with dh. That would take absolute priority.

kneidelmeidel

Thu, Apr 04 2024, 3:57 am

OP, I’m so sorry people are being so harsh, you sound like a really loving mother AND WIFE who wants to do right by your baby and husband, but is finding that tricky at the moment. Ignore the nasties❤️ I wonder what baby is like when awake- could you put him somewhere safe to play eg in a pack and play with a baby monitor and find some time like that?

amother

Daphne

Thu, Apr 04 2024, 4:48 am

Have you tried putting the baby in a swing? In the crib with music on, or an audible book?
Could you have the baby cry for a half hour?
Consult with a sleep training specialist.

amother

↑ Olive ↓

Thu, Apr 04 2024, 5:00 am

Please don't feel like we're attacking you. Not one post here is malicious. Intimacy is something that you probably aren't discussing in real life with friends and family so we're here to tell you that something MUST change and that this isn't normal. Consider us your substitute sisters for a minute- this is all coming out of care and concern. Sometimes you just need a perspective shift. If it means putting a toddler mattress on the floor, hiring a babysitter for two hours a week, whatever it takes you must reclaim your marital intimacy.

amother

Gardenia ↓

Thu, Apr 04 2024, 6:05 am

It’s a hard stage. Does he have a long stretch at the start of the night? Can you try transferring to crib for even an hour or two? Babies tend to atleast have a nice little stretch in the beginning.
Also as a side note- have you noticed if baby sleeps with mouth open? Does he have any oral ties? Reflex? There may be something bothering him that’s preventing him from sleeping

lovecouches

Thu, Apr 04 2024, 6:21 am

You can try taking your mattress off the frame and using that, this isn't just about intimacy because a baby who crawls in one second like you describe is in danger of falling at any time.
I also echo the get a babysitter one evening or another time that your both home and have her take the baby on a walk or to her house. Maybe you can do it for longer and even have time to do stuff at home.

amother

Begonia

Thu, Apr 04 2024, 6:46 am

Your problem isn't cosleeping. Your problem is that you have a Difficult Baby. If you change your thread title, maybe people will get it.
And yes, Hard Babies are very hard on a marriage. There's no way around that. Been there, done that, we got through it. Six months isn't really that much in the scheme of things - you're practically still a kimpeturin!

amother

Seagreen ↓

Thu, Apr 04 2024, 7:03 am

Unpopular opinion alert, but I don't think it's some big disaster to not have much intimacy in the first year following a baby. I have hard babies. They don't sleep so well or go for the crib until closer to 1. I also have a husband who is bh an active parent, including to babies, so he is also exhausted and shocker of shockers not super interested in intimacy until we're all sleeping more. In the first year following each baby, I'd say we've been together 3-4 times that whole year. Our marriage is excellent bh, and has not suffered from those few non-consecutive years of very little intimacy. After the first year, things settle down enough for us to resume a normal intimacy schedule. I guess maybe this wouldn't work if you're having double digit kids, but we have a mid-size family, not small, so we've been through it a number of times already, and it's really not a big deal. It's a season of life and we've accepted that this is what having a baby entails for us. Go ahead, let the tomatoes fly.