How do you effectively discipline a 17 month old?

chaylizi

Wed, Mar 24 2010, 7:46 pm

He throws spectacular tantrums, in which he tries to be as violent as possible towards the person he is angry at. He hits, throws his head back until it connects with someone else's face/head & screams until I've successfully distracted him. He either has a serious anger management problem, or I really have no idea what. My girls were active & were (are) certainly major handfuls, but I've never had to deal with this before.

Similarly, how should I cut his nails, give him a bath or change his diapers without incurring extreme wrath?

Before suggesting anything, just not that I do not consider potching within the realm of possibility.

He has a very pleasant personality, until he gets upset & then everything blows up.

happymom

Wed, Mar 24 2010, 8:08 pm

is he getting the proer sleep and nutrition and attention from you? if yes, besides for that, kids need to be taught how to dela with emtions. what I do is just state to my toddler what can be dont in this situation. for example (when we want a toy we ask mommy for help instead of grabbing...) they dont know. I would try and figurte out what is bothering him though. what is he getting angry at all the time? is he unhappy about something?

with nails etc just make tit fun. I mostly distract at that age, even with tantrums. show them pretty flowers and theyll be ok:) I usually hold them on my lap in front of a video when I cut thier nails. it works. when tjhey get older I tell them a story for each nail. I tyy and find a fun thing like this for things so we dont have to have power struggles.

chaylizi

Wed, Mar 24 2010, 8:13 pm

he sleeps well. he's a picky eater, but I spend the time and effort trying to find healthy foods that he will eat. And I stay home with him & play with him all day. As for what's bothering him, he's very jealous of my attention (which is funny, because he gets most of it) & he is very possessive of me. He hits my 3 year old whenever she wants to play with me or sit on my lap. It's pretty sad actually. He really does a decent job of beating her up.

geemum

Wed, Mar 24 2010, 9:33 pm

chaylizi wrote:

I understand you well as my DS is also an adorable kid until something upsets him and then he loses it (and it can be the stupidist thing that upsets him).

Like the previous poster said, try to make chores and habits fun and exciting. eg: Singing certain songs/rhymes when cutting his nails, special toy that you buy just for baths, let him hold stuff while u change him and even rhymes (we do - incy wincy spider).

in terms of the jealousy - you say he gets most of your time - thats a part of the problem why he can't share you, because he's used to having you all (most) the time. try inviting friends with similar age children so he gets used to having other kids' company with you.

hope this helps
hatzlocho.

chaylizi

Wed, Mar 24 2010, 9:36 pm

I've been wondering about this. He is not all that verbal. He says everyone's names & a some pretty random words. He articulates nicely as well. The rest of his verbal skills are babbling. He gets frustrated a lot and I have no idea what he wants. Both my girls were very verbal early on, so I'm not used to this.

chaylizi

Wed, Mar 24 2010, 9:39 pm

geemum wrote:

in terms of the jealousy - you say he gets most of your time - thats a part of the problem why he can't share you, because he's used to having you all (most) the time. try inviting friends with similar age children so he gets used to having other kids' company with you.

that's an interesting thought. I pretty much decided not to send him to playgroup next year, he won't be 2 until 2 months after the school year starts. maybe I'll try play dates.

montrealmommy

Wed, Mar 24 2010, 9:45 pm

IMO, we need to 'educate' before we discipline. They (children) cannot be held accountable for their actions unless they know what we expect/an appropriate way to behave and they choose to act otherwise.

That said, is there a safe place you can put your ds when he is in that irrational place? A pack/n/play or something - I don't know if he's a climber or not, but a place where you don't have to hold him, he is not a danger to himself or anyone else (hitting incl). Then wait 1-2 minutes (ie. let him be alone for 1-2 min) then sit next to whereever he is and try to talk, read, finger play, etc.... the second he is calm, pick him up and applaud his ability to calm down (ie. oh moishy, now ima can hold you because you are so calm). In our hose there is the time out chair - it's not always reflective of poor behavior and a consequence, rather, when one of my dk's can't or won't act/react in an age appropriate manner, this is where they go to be undistrubed to try and gain control rather than losing it. I have even begun doing this with my 15mo. old. Once they are calm, in an age appropriate manner I will try to give them the words/ability to exress what was really wrong vs. how they reacted. So for an 17 mo. old I would say something like, you wanted this toy. If you can say please, then you can have it (or whatever your child's communication level is at). Same for throwing food (oh moishy, now I understand thay you didn't want the Cherrios, next time you can tell ima no (and shake your head to demonstrate).

AS mentioned above, if your ds is frustrated communicating his needs then all that I have writen may be useless. These are just methods that work for me.

chaylizi

Wed, Mar 24 2010, 9:49 pm

montrealmommy wrote:

That is a very good point. I have trouble figuring out how to address it, because I know he doesn't know any better. I have a play yard that my ds plays in. I think I'd prefer to put a pack n play up just for time out though. Then he knows that this is his official discipline spot & doesn't ruin areas that are supposed to be safe for just playing.

montrealmommy

Wed, Mar 24 2010, 10:02 pm

chaylizi, I completely agree, a seperate place for time outs really helps to avoid confusion. Also, how do your girls get along and how do you discipline them? I found that using the same catch phrases but with different follow through really helpful. For example, if my 6 y.o., 4 y.o or 15 mo. old threw food on the floor, I would first say "we don't throw food on the floor" so they know that was the wrongdoing. The 6 y.o would have to clean it up, and his meal would be subsequently over, he would also be expected to apologize to dh and I (or hosts) and Hashem for throwing something that he made a bracha on and not being respectful. My 4y.o would have to clean it up and would have 1/2 her food removed and would only be allowed to return to the table after apologies were sincerely said. My 15 mo. old would be taken out of his highchair and assisted in cleaning something of the mess up and then be given a choice if he still wants to eat (as the throwing may have been his way of telling us no more). But each hears "we don't throw food" it sort of levels the playing field for them - no one is allowed to do this.

chaylizi

Wed, Mar 24 2010, 10:08 pm

we like timeout here. no one likes it. another option is taking away a treasured object/toy for a certain period of time. I try and be age appropriately consistent across the board.as to your example, if my baby throws food, the food is removed & he is told why. my older kids would have to clean it up & probably would be sent away from the table.

montrealmommy

Wed, Mar 24 2010, 10:30 pm

lavendar, from my experience, it's not so much that they understand what a time out is; rather they learn to associate a behavior with a reaction (action/reaction). No different from when they cry to get fed as infants. If every time Shloimy does something that upsets ima (as seen by her face and tone of voice and body language) and he then goes to the time out place, then shloimy learns that this is not a good behavior. AS shloimy grows up he will acquire the langiage and maturity to understand why said behavior is not preferable.

I have found this to be very effective. Even my 15 mo. old knows when he has done something disagreeable (most of the time). In the beg. he would wail in the time out spot. but after 1 minute (or so) I would stand near by and talk to him and make silly faces and as I wrote, the instant he stopped (other than to take a breath and continue) I would swoop him up with a big smile and give him hugs and kisses and say "I am so happy you calmed down, ima loves to hug and kiss a calm boy". He doesn't necessarily understand my words, but my tone and body language are clear. Ima likes this behavior and wants to be close when I act like this.

Chayalle

Thu, Mar 25 2010, 10:55 am

My DD just turned two so I've been going thru the tantrums/anger/frustration stage for quite a while.

I agree with posters who said that this is an age where a child is learning to express him/herself...and because sometimes they just don't know how to expres their feelings, they tantrum. They have emotions and wants and needs that they haven't yet learned to identify, much less express any other way.

For this reason, I don't even think that discipline is needed here....rather, what they need is EMPATHY. When my DD tantrums, I tell her very soothingly that I see she is upset, that Mommy doesn't know what is is that she wants to tell me. Sometimes she needs to be put very lovingly into her bed for a bit with her blankie, because she is tired and doesn't know it....often I can detect the point at which she is ready to be comforted and calmed down, and then she's ready to come out.

I don't think that this is the time to educate not to hit...that would be if she hit another child, or if she hit me at a time when I said no to something....but when it's a frustration thing, what she needs is validation for her feelings.

Number_1

Thu, Mar 25 2010, 11:07 am

and what do you do with a 17 month old that laughs straight back at you when you try to discipline?
I put her out of the room and close that door (my 2 1/2 yr old would cry until he calms down and come out all smiles...Mommy, now I'll be good) but my 17 mo old just stands quietly until I come and check whats going on - and check if she is still there and once she sees me...she starts giggling!! LOL

I'm not sure if she is just too young to being "timed out" or just...... Very Happy