issues with having guests

amother

Mon, May 17 2010, 5:41 am

Occasionally we are asked to host people for meals and/or sleeping, usually seminary girls. We live in Israel. And I almost never say no. It's not necessarily a situation where these people could just as easily go anywhere else. The issue is, I don't feel like I can say no because I don't have a good reason to say no, but truthfully I don't really want to have these guests. I am shy and it's a strain for me to socialize with people I don't know. DH is the same exact way. So if the guests are friendly and talkative then it usually turns out fine, but if they're not and I have to draw them out, it's awkward for me and a big strain. I know this doesn't except us from the mitzva of hachnosas orchim, but is it fair to DH to says yes? He also feels we can't say no. For example, we had guests for the seder. This was the first year we made the seder at home and DH would have said all sorts of nice divrei torah, but was too shy so he kept it basically short.
Another thing is that most seminary girls are looking for "chavayot" - to be inspired by role models. And I feel like we are just not the seminary girl role model "ruchniyus" types. DH is more of the cynical type. Not that he will say anything cynical at the table in front of girl guests, but we're just not the type if you know what I mean. In a way I wish we were more that type. So I'm embarassed to have guests looking for that kind of experience. I feel inadequate that we're not that way.
I don't know what I'm asking here because I really do feel I can't say no most of the time. I guess I just want to hear thoughts. It seems like most people living in Eretz Yisroel are the ideal hachnosas orchim types so people basically expect that.

shirafruma

Mon, May 17 2010, 7:42 am

I learned a long time ago, if you don't want to something, blame it on your husband. Say "My DH really is uncomfortable with girls in the house, etc.." or something to that effect.

Also, you are not exempt from hachnass orchim, but not evereyone excels at every mitzvah. So IMHO, I would limit have guests for one meal once a month lets say if you really want guests so badly, and if not then dont have guestsu nless its good friends, etc.

Chayalle

Mon, May 17 2010, 3:18 pm

Just a perspective...

When I was in seminary I knew some girls who were looking for "chavayot" as you put it....you know, that family that hosts 100 plus people every Shabbos, or other such interesting experiences. But not every one is like that. Some people are just far away from home and want to have a normal Shabbos Seuda with a nice family. Some people even appreciate the quiet.

One of my nicest Shabbos hosts was my "chessed" lady - the lady with 5 small children whom I used to help for Shabbos. She and her DH were a nice, quiet couple. I loved watching her DH take his two small boys on his lap and sing Shalom Aleichem with them, completely off key. He couldn't sing a note to save his own life. But the warmth and love I saw there was something I knew I'd want in my own home. I didn't hear earth-shattering Divrei Torah. I just saw a nice, quiet couple raising their kids with love. It was enough for me.

louche

Mon, May 17 2010, 3:24 pm

Not everyone is looking for a rip-roaring time or spiritual inspiration. some ppl just want to be in a homey family atmosphere so they're not alone and feel less homesick. if the ppl you host are looking for something more than you offer, they don't have to come a second time. Don't feel you must do anything that isn't "you." as all the self-help books advise, just be yourselves.

You should ask the hospitality coordinator to send you girls who are more outgoing and talkative if that's what you prefer. No doubt there are people who would prefer less chatty guests; there's someone for everyone.

louche

Mon, May 17 2010, 3:27 pm

I understand you perfectly about the talkative guests, btw. not long ago we had a young man who was so introverted, it was like pulling teeth to get him to answer questions with more than a word or two. we were all sweating bullets trying to draw him out and include him in the converstaion. personally I think it's more than a little rude not to make an effort to be sociable in s/o else's house, even if you are shy (and this was no seminary teen but a man in his mid to late 20s, years out of college and out working in the secular business world.) It's a real drain on one's energy to have such a guest.

freidasima

Mon, May 17 2010, 3:27 pm

You can just say "no". Stop feeling guilty.
I am totally antisocial. I work long and hard, I have my own big family and I do not like having guests. We have no room for them to sleep over, we are crowded enough. I don't like having strangers around as it means I have to get dressed wear a sheitl etc. With the kids I am my own shleppy self over shabbos and that's just fine.

Yes we do have guests but unless it's someone I am totally comfortable with it's tons of work. I have to be "on duty" all the time to make sure they are ok, to keep the conversation going etc. If it's a friend of one of the kids then the kid can do the work already but stam sem girls? Bochurim? Never got into that business and don't intend to either.

I'm antisocial at home. Have to use all my strength up for my own family and don't have too much spare with my health...sorry...

Rodent

Mon, May 17 2010, 5:44 pm

When I was in seminary I just liked seeing religious families in action. But I'm a gioret so never had that and was more interested in seeing how real life works. I hope I didn't make any hosts feel awkward. I did have one awkward experience myself with a lovely family but they refused to speak English at the table and speaking absolutely no Hebrew, myself and a couple of other girls had nothing at all to contribute.

I have a slightly different issue with having guests myself. It's rare these days anyway as we live in the sticks but my husband just forgets that anyone else exists. He leaves all the serving, cleaning up and kids to me while he sits and chats and I can't stand it (before kids it was dealable, but 3 small kids as well and it's horrid). He promises every time that he will help watch the kids or whatever and never does. Mind you, he's the same if we go to any other community events or anything so I can't say I'm thrilled to do that either!

I don't think you should feel so obligated though. If it's not for you then just say no. Or take them less often.