Guests strangers to dh

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Forum -> Relationships -> Guests

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amother

Tue, Jun 08 2010, 10:02 am

Maybe this belongs in shalom bayis.

The situation os this: A young woman in my shul who has been here a few years made a very nice impression on me just from seeing her in shul, though we've never spoken or been introduced. Her husband is also an exceptionally nice person. I thought it would be nice to invite her and her dh for a Shabbos meal.

The thing is my dh doesn't know the dw at all and knows the dh by reputation only. He thinks inviting them would be weird, not only b/c we don't know them well but b/c they're quite a bit younger than we are and we don't travel in the same social circles. I can see that they might think it's weird b/c they've been living here for a couple of years and we've never invited them before.

DH didn't say not to invite them, but he's not enthusiastic. I think they're a very worthwhile couple to get to know, because they're amazingly good people. We also have children approaching marriageable age and you never know, this nice young couple may know someone who knows someone...that's not why I'm inviting them, but it doesn't hurt to widen our social network.

WWYD? Invite or not?

DefyGravity

Tue, Jun 08 2010, 10:07 am

Just curious, how do you know they're an amazingly good couple if you've never spoken to them or introduced yourself?

Do you think they'd feel comfortable with the invitation? Do you think it has the possibility of being an awkward meal?

I'd probably think of an excuse to say no if someone from my shul that I never spoke to, and was much older invited us for a meal. Actually, I probably wouldn't mind going, but DH would (not want to go).

Sorry, I didn't mean for this to sound so rude! I do think you should just go ahead and invite them, but don't be surprised if the answer is no.

Last edited by DefyGravity on Tue, Jun 08 2010, 10:12 am; edited 1 time in total

Yocheved84

Tue, Jun 08 2010, 10:12 am

I would say to invite them! Sometimes our DHs get set in their ways and don't want to get to know new people (to quote my DH, "I already have my friends. I don't need or want more"). But I think what you are doing is lovely--why not spend a Shabbos lunch with lovely people?

Even if you don't become best friends, you shared a Shabbos with nice people and will have nice conversation. Tell your DH that it's the same as sitting with people at a Kiddush, and that it's just one afternoon. And maybe your DH will have a good time, too.

saw50st8

Tue, Jun 08 2010, 10:12 am

I would try to strike up a conversation with the wife next time you see her. If it goes well, then you have an in to invite her!

yo'ma

Tue, Jun 08 2010, 10:14 am

I'd invite them. I have a friend whose dh thought he would feel uncomfortable with my dh because he thought they have nothing in common. In the end, they became friends, they have a lot in common and get along really well. Too bad we both moved, me here, her to Israel.

good wifey

Tue, Jun 08 2010, 11:00 am

ask around in the community who else has invited them and how it was. go accordingly

DefyGravity

Tue, Jun 08 2010, 11:05 am

I wouldn't ask about them. That's rude and can totally breed loshon hara. I invited someone over once and we got a lot of "free" feedback about them. So many people told us that they were horrible guests and they would never invite them again. We ended up having a great time!

Israeli Mother

Tue, Jun 08 2010, 12:13 pm

I dunno. Where I live people invite all kinds of people over for Shabbos meals -- they don't have to be someone you know that well or have done a background check on for heaven's sakes.

As a matter of fact, there are some families in Yerushalayim that have 50 TOTAL STRANGERS over every Shabbos for meals; meals by them are a legendary experience.

If a couple seems to be a nice couple and someone who you think you would be interested in knowing, so invite them for a meal. It's only a meal, not a lifetime commitment! Your husband may be surprised at how much he enjoys the visit, and if not, so it's only for a couple of hours.

And from reading the responses here, I am even so, so, so, much happier than I ever was that we don't live in the States [and I was always pretty happy to be here]...

amother

Tue, Jun 08 2010, 12:20 pm

MamaKikow wrote:

ask around in the community who else has invited them and how it was. go accordingly

WHAT????? Whatever for???? I'm not recruiting a babysitter or a housekeeper, just inviting a pleasant and admirable young couple for a Shabbos meal. You know? hachnossas orchim? Being a good neighbor?

I have no qualms about inviting them--they're very fine people and well thought of, and I'm pretty sure they don't eat with their fingers, pick their noses or curse in public. I can admire a woman I just from seeing her in shul. You can learn a lot about a person from seeing her in shul, without exchanging a word. You see whether or not they talk during davening, if they come on time, dress tzanua, listen to the rabbi's drasha, move over to make room for people when it starts to get crowded, appear to be davening and if so with kavanah, pay attention to the laeining...This wouldn't be the first time that I'm inviting someone because I'm impressed by her bahavior in shul, but in the past it's always been single women. This one happens to be married.

I guess I should have put this in the sholom bayis section, b/c the question isn't wether I should invite this couple for themselves. It's whether I should foget about it because dh isn't gungho. He doesn't know either of them. He usually says sure, why not, when I ask if we should invite someone new but this time he sort of paused and said, if you really want. I got the idea maybe he doesn't like the dh, though he denied it. So what I'm asking is if you wanted to invite someone and dh didn't say don't do it but was very lukewarm or cool about it, would you do it or say forget it?

good wifey

Tue, Jun 08 2010, 12:31 pm

sorry, I guess I got u wrong the first time, and I c that u also got ME wrong.... but since its off topic, I guess will just skip it. and to ur question, which I understand better now, if ur husband is cool about it I suggest u wait a bit more. let him see that dh more in shul and ask him again in a while to see if hes more comfortable. again, sorry for the mis understanding!!

Mrs Bissli

Wed, Jun 09 2010, 6:17 pm

OP, how about inviting another couple/family you already know? That way you have another people to get the conversation going, if situation gets a bit awkward. If you're inviting someone for the first time, don't forget to ask about dietary restrictions/allergies...

DefyGravity

Wed, Jun 09 2010, 6:23 pm

I agree. Buffer couples are the way to go.

amother

Thu, Jun 10 2010, 10:07 am

Mrs Bissli wrote:

GREAT idea! Thanks!

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