Why would I want another kid?

amother

Thu, Nov 18 2010, 8:18 pm

I b"H have a 1.5 year old who was born in the first year we were married. Since then my life has turned into a treadmill going at 50 mph. No sleep, bottles, diapers, dr appointments, and most of all, entertaining her during all her waking hours. She is the type of kid who will play with a toy for an hour and then refuse to play with it ever again. She's always whining (I don't mean to make her sound so awful, she really is a precious kid, with the cutest smile, and so adorable when she's happy) but I'm absolutely DRAINED from constantly entertaining her and being there to make things right when she cries. She used to take a nap in the afternoon, but now she goes to sleep earlier at night, so by the time I get a break, I'm beyond wiped out, especially since I take her out alot to playgrounds and museums to keep her entertained.
My heter for birth control will probably be over soon. I could probably get some more time, but truthfully, I don't want to EVER have another kid EVER again. I want my life back.
I want to know if any of you have similar situations? Is this normal? Any mothers out there with older kids can tell me at what point it becomes worth it?

amother

Thu, Nov 18 2010, 8:27 pm

amother wrote:

I can sort of relate to some of what ur saying because I have a 14 month old though b"h she's a pretty good baby. All I can say is that I've heard from many people that they find that when they have another baby, the kids can eventually play together and that really helps with having to entertain a baby all day (they entertain eachother instead). Anyways, its totally understandable that you feel this way but your kid won't be a baby forever. Right now you feel completely drained but when she's older and more self sufficient (I.e. potty trained, in school etc...) you might want another... but its okay if you don't want another baby now...

amother

Thu, Nov 18 2010, 8:29 pm

Sounds like you need to take it easy. there are plenty of us out there that don't want anymore. Don't stress about it, it's normal. Even if you never ever ever want kids again, in terms of bc, just take it one year at a time. Get a heter for another year and then reevaluate how you feel. Assuming you are still in your 20's, there is still plenty of time to take lots of long breaks and still have more kids, if you ever choose to. Besides for the extended bc heter, do yourself a favor and take yourself out for dinner, or some me time, get a babysitter and go shopping or hole up in your room with a bag of chocolate and a good book. Whatever works for you, but you will never 'get' your life back (it aint gonna fall into your lap), you need to 'take' it back, grab at it with both hands and hold tight, it's gonna be a long long ride!!

jaysmom

Thu, Nov 18 2010, 8:34 pm

Sounds like you need a break. Can you get together with other stay at home moms or is there a play group you can sign her up for a few times a week? Or maybe drop her off at a daycare for a couple of hours a day? That way you will both be refreshed when you see each other again. If she is not napping, that is a really long day. (Although, I suggest getting into the habit of putting her down at the same time everyday for a 'rest' like in preschool. She may fall asleep, and if not its an activity and a little break for you.)
I am due in a few months and excited to have my baby IY"H, but to be honest with you, I got pregnant to give my kid a sibling, not because I felt like I needed another kid.

flowerpower

Thu, Nov 18 2010, 8:36 pm

Either with ten children, you can make sure to get some me time and a life for yourself. All you have to do is work on it. Make playdates. Go to kid friendly places like Target. Take another mom with you and enjoy yourselves. Get a sitter and go out at night. Read a good book or magazine while she is near you reading her books. Find something that she can do during downtime-every kid needs downtime. Put her in the crib and let her play a little after lunch.

amother

Thu, Nov 18 2010, 8:39 pm

ditto. not preggers yet (I think) but I love my boy! Im so happy with him I dont get why people have more. but im not on bc, cause I want another one so he can have siblings.. and I do want to have a nice bunch of kids (ill appreciate it later on!!) its scary. but I guess life is scary. But everyone can handle things differently-- try to get another heter- and if you cant, well just remember its all up to G-d, its really up to him if you will or wont...Bcs not foolproof anyways either

JollyMommy

Thu, Nov 18 2010, 8:39 pm

I remember thinking after I had my first "why do people have more than 1 kid?" , but when he was about 2 I was good and ready for another. I think a lot of people can relate to this, and things calm down at different ages for different people.

I will tell you that at 4 years old they really get there act together and it is a joy. if you are young and your rav is allowing a heter and your husband is fine with it, no harm waiting until things get easier. I also found the first dc much more demanding than the second and have heard this from many, many people. my WORSE age for kids (well, so far, my kids are still little) is 12 months-24 months. I found age 2 pretty good, and 3 a little difficult. but the second time around was 10x easier.

don't make any big decisions now, see how things go.

there's a series of old, very short books I once read- for each age. the titles were something like "2 years old: terrible or tender" and so on for ages 1-6. if anyone knows what I'm talking about maybe they can post it.

BrklynMother

Thu, Nov 18 2010, 8:44 pm

I can tell you this.... Everyone tells you having kids is great and that children are amazing. As a mother of 3, I agree that they really are. Still, every day is a constant struggle. I love my children so much that I continue to work on myself every day so that I can be a better parent for them. I do remember feeling differently than you do after my first... I was convinced that 1 wasn't nearly enough and we had to have another right away. Wow was it a shocker for me to have to deal with 2 toddlers. Now with my third and as my children get older, I am introduced with new struggles and I find the simplicity of the baby to be a breath of fresh air. Ask any parent when they feel like they get their life back or when they stop worrying and the answer is never ( at least not completely)
If u think I have it all figured out, I don't...I remember how hard the adjustment of my first was too and how I used to cry after hours and days of struggling just to get him to go to sleep...or watching him tantrum inconsolably for an hour until he decided to stop. Parenting is hard but the more you put into it the more you get out of it without even realizing.
On the hard days, I find it helps to look at the upside, remember the good days and remember that hashem doesn't give me anything I cant handle and this must be an excellent opportunity to work on my middos which could definitely use improving.
In regards to having more children, however many you have, they will always drive you to many emotions but keep in mind that a lot of them are good. Don't forget to remember how lucky you are and count your blessings as often as you can so u remember them.
Good luck!

gold21

Thu, Nov 18 2010, 8:57 pm

op, your feelings are normal. its very hard to transition to motherhood when you are 1. young (im assuming you are...) 2. in a new relationship, just adjusting to the roles of girlfriend/ wife/ homemaker/ etc... it takes a good few years to make the transition... it was very challenging for me too!... 1. its important not to completely "lose" yourself in the role of mommy: make time for yourself too. 2. give it time. as your child gets older, you will likely feel a desire to have another baby... or maybe try for another baby already so you can give your child a sibling Beezras Hashem, and then you can take a well-deserved break...! hatzlocha.

anuta

Thu, Nov 18 2010, 9:19 pm

amother,

I highly recommend you read the book "Healthy sleep habits, happy child" by Dr. Weissbluth
It sounds like your child might not be getting enough sleep -that can also cause excessive crying during the day (so you have to always entertain her). She might just want to sleep, but because she is your first, you are not an experienced mother and don't recognize the signs. They are different in kids than they are in adults. I really wisened up after reading this book, and my second child was much easier because of it.

punchike

Thu, Nov 18 2010, 9:33 pm

you should be able to get more breaks during the day.

1) get ur kid some good toys. Toys that are conducive to imaginitive play are harder to get bored of, Like doll carriages, doll houses, little play people, etc. go through the toy isles it doesnt have to be expensive, a cheap puzzle, a book with clear bright pictures, something musical. good, smart toys can go a long way.

2) rotate ur toys, so they always have something 'new' to play with

3) did u consider sending your kid to a play group twice a week? this is a great age to start. or get a babysitter one mornig a wk, and sleep for a bunch of hrs or go out for coffee

4) in my experience if a kid is well fed, has anough rest, and isnt too bored, they will be happy and pretty well behave. Try to see why she crys a lot. is it one of these things, or does she need a relaxing activity, like a warm bath. Generaly, you should be able to sit on the couch for [I]short periods of time[/I] with your feed up while she plays.

5) A video once in a while is ok, I think ad van give u a bit of a break from entertaining her.

I hope these suggestions are helpful. good Luck.

YTYoungMother

Thu, Nov 18 2010, 10:22 pm

OP here.
Thanks everyone for your (speedy! wow!) replies and all the good tips. Let me rephrase my question to clarify the real issue - After I had my daughter, I realized how much work and energy is involved. How much you have to give up of yourself. (All the tips on taking care of yourself were very on target, but let's face it, as a mommy, you still have to give up of your time, energy, and emotional capacity. I'd love to go to Italy for a month, but I have to think what that would do to my daughter emotionally.)
I want to here from those of you who have been in my shoes (or not) - why is it worth it? What makes a person WANT to have kids? Do you LOVE picking up pacifiers 212 times on a single trip to Target? And do you LOVE entertaining your kids every single Sunday? I read so many posts about people wanting another baby - what is it exactly that you want? (I hope I don't sound spiteful, that last question was a real one, literal.)

Also, I do work mornings, and get together with friends every sunday, so we have just afternoons together and even that is too much for me.

zigi

Thu, Nov 18 2010, 10:31 pm

I got of got used to it being about my kids. italy sounds amazing but I know that it will have to wait until my kids are older.

buying bottles and milk all the time. worrying about them it does take effort to make time for myself. but truthfully having another kid doesn't add that much to the burden of what I'm already doing. ( once the child is 6 months old and life gets back to normal) my older kids play very nicely together- at least for a while- I am able to read on the couch while they play and my toddler can entertain himself. I do get my time in.

on sunday it is the thought great now what are we going to do. is evryone going to behave, what can we all do that is fun etc

amother

Thu, Nov 18 2010, 10:47 pm

OP, I really, really, really relate to your post.

I have one child, a 3 1/2 year old & I'm currently pregnant with my second one.

I find myself very overwhelmed by my 3 1/2 year old, & I've felt that way since he was born. I desperately miss my freedom, miss being able to be my own person, and I find entertaining him constantly, and keeping up with all his needs to be both physically and emotionally draining. I did not expect to find motherhood so challenging.

I have questioned myself countless times over these past few years: What is wrong with me? Why do I have such a hard time taking care of my one child when most people around me have more children than me and seem to be managing fine? Why don't I want another child?

We used BC for a while, and then eventually decided to go off. (There's a lot of pressure to have another baby.) After a couple weeks of going off BC, I told my husband that I'd like to go back on BC if it's not too late by now...but it was too late, I was already pregnant.

I have such mixed feelings about this pregnancy. The baby is coming soon, and although I am somewhat excited to meet this baby that I feel kicking inside me, I am terrified about what I am getting myself into. I feel so overwhelmed by one child, how will I handle two?

I'm hoping that hashem will give me the strength to handle it, and that things will be ok. I know my child will be absolutely thrilled to have a sibling, so I am happy about that.

Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in your feelings, and that your post made me feel better & made me feel less alone in my feelings!

YTYoungMother

Thu, Nov 18 2010, 11:53 pm

OP here.
amother, thanks for sharing your feelings.
It's true, just knowing you're not alone, and it's normal, makes it alot easier to go through. It sounds like you're a thinking person, and you're in touch with your feelings, and your kid(s) are lucky to have that in their mother.
One thing that help me alot: I heard a shiur by Mrs Tarshish and she said, mothers are busy taking care of kids, so they don't have regular time to daven, right? Therefore, Hashem listens to mothers throughout the day, whenever they speak to Him, even casually, even in English. When you put your kid to sleep, and he starts to stir, and you pray so hard that he won't wake up, He's really listening to you. I found that to be true so many times, and He really helped me when I prayed with all my heart.
I wish you all the best with your coming baby. I hope he/she gives you a little more of the break you deserve.

dina23

Fri, Nov 19 2010, 9:40 am

I just wanted to add that I can really relate. I think also that some kids are easier then others. My first was really really easy and then I quickly got pregnant with my second. He is the polar opposite. He is really hard and moody. He has been this way since birth. When a kid has a more difficult temperment or one that clashes with their parent it can be really challenging. There were many many times that I swore I would never have any more kids. Two is just fine. I also looked around in amazement, wondering what on earth would possess someone to put themselves through this time and time again. Now that my younger son is in nursery, I find things are much easier. He comes home and plays with his older brother. I dont have to think up activites all the time. They entertain each other and I supervise. My point is that things evolve. This difficult kid has been much better since he started school, and I can deal with him better because we arent getting on each other's nerves all day. I can now say that I maybe, possibly, would consider having more. Not quite yet, but someday. Just know that yout not alone.

chocolate moose

Fri, Nov 19 2010, 10:30 am

amother wrote:

I want to know if any of you have similar situations? Is this normal? Any mothers out there with older kids can tell me at what point it becomes worth it?

My kids are in their 20's. They definitely need time and attention. Think about it - are you close to your parents?

OP - what does your husband say ?